Update! :)

So Timberline didn't work out :( It's ok though. I figure God knows what he's doing and I think the fact that I'll be going back to AWH is prob. what's best. It's hard to do... but I think I can do it.

Not sure when I'll admit, but it should't be too long. OY. I feel more at ease though because now I have things in place and things are being done and that makes me feel better.

I work today and tomorrow and then I'm off the schedule for a bit until I'm a little more healthy to be at work. I think it's good to finally just be focusing on my health again and really kicking ED's butt. I know I can do it and I have a lot of good ideas for this time being there at AWH and what I can really do to succeed. I'm actually kind of excited because I feel like this is it! I can do this! Maybe things are going to finally start going like SUPER GREAT. Like I'll really get a grip on ED and symptom use.

Also, I wanted to say that I deleted a previous post about AWH. I never meant to sound like it was a judgmental place. AWH is a wonderful place with loving, caring staff. When I wrote that post I was very upset with things and I was aggravated. Yes, I do struggle with feeling judged and I do struggle with going back to AWH because I feel like staff will judge me, but I KNOW they won't. I know they never will or have. So I apologize.

Anyway! I will keep everyone updated on when I go :) Part of me wants to just back out but I'm not going to! I won't. I deserve to live a happy life and a healthy one. And I am going to this time my all.

Thank you to everyone for the encouraging words these past weeks! You all rock (=

Update On Insurance...

So we found out that Timberline Knolls is covered. So now I have to make the decision on if I want to go there or back to Anna Westin.

I know most of you are wondering why I'm even debating between the two and why would I go back to AWH...

Well, it's hard to explain my reasons but I have them. First off, traveling alone is hard for me and going somewhere so far from family would be difficult. I feel like I need them more in my recovery and going far away excludes them in ways.

I'm going to call TK tomorrow and talk to them and everything and hopefully my therapist will get back to me on the AWH info and then I can move forward. I just have a lot to think about. I hate making big decisions -_-

What's Going On!

So I really suck at updating this... But here I am and here's a little update (=

So the rents are back home and things are back to normal for the most part. Things were a little rocky while my parents were away and one day at work I had a breakdown because I wasn't eating for a few days and I ended up going home with a co-worker for an hour and eating lunch with her and then going back to work where I cried the remainder of the time. Fortunately I have an amazing boss who is so caring and did her best he help me through the rough night. I was asked to stay at work because they thought it would be better than going home and being alone with my thoughts and possibly using symptoms. I was a little upset they had me stay since obviously it's no fun to be crying at work and having everyone wonder what the heck is going on with you.... but I got through it and all my co workers were super nice. But now that people at work know my struggle it's harder now to use symptoms there (restricting). Now one of my co workers makes sure that I eat and it does help but it pisses of my eating disorder (which I guess we want? lol).

Anyway. So that's all that really happened the last few weeks. I have just been doing my best to stay strong and keep fighting! Things have been a lot harder recently and I feel like I am falling back a bit. I've been getting back in to old habits :/ But I guess I can say somewhat proudly that I have gone a week and half w/o purging! Hopefully I can keep that up. I came oh so close to purging tonight but I didn't. I try to tell myself that being full is just a feeling and it will pass. And I WON'T gain ten lbs from one meal. I just need to keep saying that. Even thought I don't believe it, I know I need to keep repeating it.

Prayers would be helpful! Love you all and thanks for your ongoing support! :)

Home Alone

So the past four days I have been home alone. My parents have gone to the Virgin Islands for their 25th anniversary and that left me home alone. At first I was super excited because this meant there would be no one nagging or bothering me! :) WOO! It also meant more time for my eating disorder to come in :/ And he did. BIG SURPRISE.

Being alone these past few days has really showed me how disordered I am with food... like for instance, last night I spent a full hour and a half making something I knew I was NOT going to eat. I prepared this elaborate baked mac and cheese and when it came out of the oven, I took a small bite, panicked, and threw the whole thing in the trash. WHAT A WASTE OF FOOD. I don't know why I even made the freakin' dish! I knew from the start I wasn't going to eat it. UGH.

Then the last two days I have obsessively spent HOURS upon HOURS looking up low calorie recipes and foods... Mind you I had 3 days off from work this week (in a row) and I didn't know how to spend my time. Plus I was starving since I've been restricting the past few days. Not too much, but just enough to cause me to go on crazy binges...IT'S NUTS. As strange as it sounds, I can't wait to have my parents back. I need them for support so badly. Me doing this alone is not working.... not working at all. I can't feed myself properly. I know I should... I went to the Anna Westin House, did IOP and IDP, all places that help you to learn how to freakin' feed yourself! I SHOULD KNOW HOW TO FEED MY BODY. Breakfast is the only time I know what to do basically. Well, maybe not.... I mean, I eat two things and I know that in order to eat a full meal you need three food items...

UGH. IDK. I feel like such a moron. Why can't this be easier?!

I HATE ED SO MUCH.

I remember...

I still remember the day that I distinctly heard that voice in my head. The voice we now call ED. It's like it happened just yesterday. That's how clear it is to me.

I was 11 years old. I remember standing in front of my mirror looking at myself. I don't remember why I was looking but I was. Then, all of a sudden, the voice appeared. It was literally like someone else was in the room talking to me. Standing right behind me whispering in my ear. It was telling me I was imperfect. I was fat, ugly, a disgrace. It told me my parents were disappointed in me and that I would never amount to anything… That I would be the one to make all the mistakes.

I remember it started picking me apart piece by piece. First my face, my hair, my arms, my legs… then my stomach. I remember my body suddenly began to overflow with emotions and thoughts. Thoughts of destruction and emotions of sadness and anger. It was like I was smacked in the face. I remember I began to cry so hard I couldn't breathe. I was terrified. I thought I had completely lost myself. I was a disgrace. I was a failure. I had let myself go too far. I was fat and I had to do something about it. And that's when everything began. The restricting, the exercise, the purging, the laxatives and diet pills… all because this stupid voice started talking to me and filling me with lies. Now I'm 21 and I look back at this little 11 year old girl and wonder how I could have let this happen? I wish I had been stronger back then and had been able to ignore ED and push him away before he had gotten his claws in me so deep that now I feel like there's no escape.

Tonight I looked in the mirror, the same exact one that I did that night all those years ago, and again I listened to ED pound me with horrible thoughts, and sadly, I listened. I took it and I believed it. But then I stopped and I thought to myself "Why? Why, when after these past two years of hard work and dedication to recovery do I still choose to stand in front of this mirror and listen to ED criticize me?". I don't want to do that. I want to walk away from that mirror, without one glance of myself, and go about my life knowing that I am perfect and beautiful just how I am. I don't need ED and I don't need his little lies. I need to start loving this body and know that it's the only one I've got and I need to cherish it.

Job and School!

I GOT A JOB!

God is good <3 I knew he'd provide one for me in good time (= And look! 

I will be working at a cupcake bakery :D The place is so cute and alive with wonderful people are so kind and energetic. I'm super stoked to start tomorrow! 

Of coarse ED popped in and tried to ruin this whole experience for me… but what else is new? I'm just trying to ignore him and stay in the happiness of this whole situation! 

The one hard part about it is I get free cupcakes when I work and stuff and so the binging and stuff pops up and kind of makes me nervous :/ It's only one a shift so I shouldn't be freaking out… but ED is trying to blow it out of proportion and make it sound TERRIBLE. He's like "Oh, Kelly… you're gonna lose control! You're gonna gain so much weight!"

Yeah… cuz one cupcake a day is going to make me gain 10 pounds… -__- I'm telling' ya, ED is creative and so annoying. But my wise mind is present and is telling me I'm fine and that it's not possible. So I'm going to be fine (=

I just am happy to finally have something else besides treatment to focus on. For the last two years my whole world revolved around treatment, treatment, treatment, and now I have something else to work for :)

Also, I'm looking hardcore in to going back to school and so that's a good feeling :) I'm looking at schools in New Hampshire, massachusetts, and Vermont. I know that's SUPER far from home, but I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks the idea is wonderful and would prob. help me a lot. It would help to go out to where I love being and to also just kind of start new. Like a new environment, new people… IDK. It's not positive I'll go out there for school, but I would LOVE it if I could. We'll see what God has planned ;) I'm trying really hard to lean on him and trust him with this.

Anyway. That's all! I'll shut up now ;) lol

Home home home...

So my first day back home and I had to see my dietician and therapist. It didn't go over too well with my dietician appt :/ Turns out I lost quite a bit of weight while being away in New Hampshire so she strongly urged me to get back on to my meal plan and do my stuff. Obviously ED was throwing a party in my head when she said I lost weight, but Kelly was like "Oh shoot." She felt pretty disappointed. Honestly, I wanted being in NH to be a time where I could get my crap together and do what I need to do and prove to my team I can do it. But it turns out that ED was a little too strong :/ I did do well still they said. I mean, I was able to be present with people and enjoy my time so that's a HUGE step. Usually I'm a blob floating around… ya know?

Anyway. So after my appt. she told me I needed to eat lunch and suggested the bistro across the street. And guess what? I did it. I first sat in my car for like 10 mins trying to get myself to actually go and when I finally did I was scared out of my miiiinnddd. But I sad down and ate my lunch (as much as I could) and then I went to the park near by and cried a bit :/ I felt so sucky. But I was glad I ate. I needed to.

Then I had my therapy appt. and I cried my freakin' eyes out! I was like so happy about stuff yet so sad… I was all over the place emotionally. lol! But it felt good to just cry. And to talk about it to someone.

But then I come home and find out that tonight were going out to dinner for my sister going to college and an early birthday dinner for me and I was so not prepared for that. I hate eating out twice in one day. SUPER hard for me. But I'm gonna do it and I'm going to succeed. I just need to know that it's normal to do that! IT'S OK. I need to just relax.

Anywwaaay. Here's a hug to all the ppl who read my blog and support me (=

New Hampshire

So it's my last night in NH right now :( I'm really sad but the trip has been super good!!! I had the most amazing time :) I got to see my awesome friends and I even got my first kiss :D So I'm one happy girl :) It was the best night of my lifeeee. I honestly felt like nothing in the whole world could go wrong. It sucks to like someone who is so far away. But I'm putting my trust in God. I know he has his reasoning for what he does.

As for ED... he was pretty present throughout the trip. I did my best to ignore him and just do what I needed to do. I did go a few days with just eating like one meal and nothing else :/ So that was kind of bad. ED was just really taking advantage of being away from home. And obviously I had a ton of nerves going on since I was back in NH. But I just hope that once I get home I can get back on track and do what I gotta do. I can't keep eating and then not eating... it's super hard to go days without eating to go back to eating. It's SO hard.

It's super hard to go home tomorrow :( I love MN... I have so many amazing friends, but I love NH too and I wanna be back so badly. I'm torn between the two. It sucks. But I mean, I feel so happy here. And like, Friday night, with the guy I was with, when I was with him, it was like I was so happy that ED wasn't even there. He was obviously there in the beginning and telling me that I was fat and ugly and all this stupid crap, but once I got in the car with him all I cared about was being with him and when we sat together after the movie, I was so happy that I didn't even have time to think about what if he though I was fat or what not. I felt so perfect with him... I can't explain it... but I just felt like everything was going to be ok. All I can say is that it's great motivation to want to get better. So I can feel this way all the time! But omg, my night with him made my summer complete and I wanted it to never end.

So, my trip was awesome and I had an amazing time with my friends (= I hope I get to come back asap! It's vital and important that I come back.... just sayin'.

Ok! I'm done!

Hopeless.

It's 1:40 am and I can't sleep. I feel hopeless right now. I feel heartbroken and defeated. I don't even know what to do. I feel like, in this moment, that I want to give up. I haven't felt like this in so long but all of a sudden I feel like just falling to the ground and surrendering to whatever in this universe wants me to suffer. I feel like my pain has been getting so much greater these past few days. I don't know how to describe it but I feel so hurt and ashamed of being me. I wanted to tear everything down in my room and just burn it. I can't stand looking at the person I am. I feel so sad. So sad. It actually makes my chest hurt.

There's a lot going on inside me right now and I don't know who to go to to talk to about it.  Should I even try to talk? I feel like I do and nothing changes. The pain just gets worse.

NH is in a few weeks and I am scared out of my mind. I don't even know why. Well, part of me knows, but the other half is just confused.

What's going on with me?

Am I Doing This Right?

So while having dinner this evening my Dad and I were discussing my treatment and it seems like he's getting frustrated with me. He kept asking if the program was working, how long I'd be in it, la de da de da… it just seemed like he was kind of like "Are you ready to move on yet?" He even said to me that it's been two years and like how much longer do I need it? I told him I didn't know how long I'd be in IOP or anything but I did make it clear that it's helping! I mean, people stay in eating disorder treatment for years… this isn't some easy fix. He then was like "What goals are you setting?" and so I told him and he didn't seem too impressed. I think he wanted something more than "To eat night time snack at least 3x this week."

Then the big thing came… school.

I shut down right there and then. Every time school is mentioned I just shut down. I want to go back, God only knows how much! But I just feel like I'm not quite there… I'm more there than I was a few months ago! But right now it just seems more of an eating disorder type thing to want to go back. I know it prob will always be and I just need to learn to not let it be. (what I mean by that is that going back means freedom and the ability to just relapse with no one there to see…)

Anyway, so we discussed school and I just said I was applying to some schools but hadn't sent in the applications yet but I will be when I'm ready and for sure know when I want to go back. Of coarse he seemed upset by this but he just kind of got up and walked away…. which he does when he wants to say something but knows it will only upset the person he's going to say it to. So now I wanna know what he was intending to say but know it's prob best I don't….

The purpose of this post is to freaking try and figure out if I am taking too long or am going too slow at this whole recovery process?! I feel like everyone looks at me like some giant disappointment! I feel so useless in this world and it sucks. I mean, no job, no school, no boyfriend, hardly any friends left it seems and parents who are just down right frustrated with me is a hard everyday thing to have to live with.

I sit here watching all my friend's live their lives and do such wonderful things and here I am going to treatment everyday sitting in a room expressing my deep feelings and emotions and eating food that frankly I don't want a f*ck to deal with and it seems everyone thinks I'm in some day care where they feed me and it's so easy. Well it's not. It's effin' hard and I hate doing it everyday. And after almost two years of it I feel like I should move on and do something else but I just need to realize that this is what I need right now and that's all that matters. But I constantly feel like my parents think this is something so easy and they just don't get why when I come home everyday I'm so exhausted! Well, I'd like them to try to tell their deepest secrets and feelings to people. They should try making themselves vulnerable and giving up coping mechanisms that make you feel like nothing in the world can harm you and everything is going to be ok because you have those coping mechanisms. THIS IS HARD SHIT. I HATE EATING. EATING IS THE WORST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. And yet, we need to do it to survive (dammit). I don't know what's going on with me right now. bye.

I'm Amazing

So I was drying my hair just now and it occurred to me that I am pretty amazing. I mean, I think it's pretty incredible that I wake up everyday with this voice in my head constantly telling me I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, I need to restrict, purge, exercise… and yet, I still keep going and fighting. I am stronger than I think. I have been really trying to fight this eating disorder and I must say… I am doing AMAZING. And to all the girls out there fighting one as well.. YOU ARE TOO!

YOU'RE AMAZING. You wake up each day too with this terrible voice and yet, you still keep fighting to recover! It's incredible the work we do. Most people think recovery from ED is simple… Just eat. Umm… it's far more complex than that! I mean, we have to retrain ourselves to learn that food is OK, that it won't change our bodies over night or in just a matter of seconds. We have to learn it's ok to keep it in. That we truly can eat and still be beautiful! Regardless of our weight.

It's not easy relearning all of this. I've had a hell of a time trying to tell myself it's ok to keep food in and not purge. And I definitely still struggle with the whole "you won't gain weight over night" since every morning it looks like I've gained a pound or two. But really, I haven't. And even when the thought of it is SO STRONG, I keep going and eating. Of coarse I still struggle, people know this. I have days where I fall to the ground and cry my eyes out! But I KEEP GOING. And so many of the girls I know do too. Especially my AWH ladies! You girls are amazing! I've lived with you for months and have seen the struggles you deal with and what you've done to overcome is so extraordinary! I love seeing the progress of both myself and you! I am truly amazed at what we are capable of. Honestly, you are so much stronger than what yourself credit for.

I hope I don't sound conceded or crazy, but this is just something I had to share!

Keep fighting, ladies! And remember… "A challenge a day keeps the ED thought away!" (EDT Jen, lol)

WTF.

I am SUPER annoyed right now. My team has decided that there are too many trips happening for me in too short a time (which is true..) and that it isn't good for me and my health. So I won't be able to go to NJ :( I get to go to Maryland for my cousin's wedding, but I'm flying home the next day with my brother. Part of me is seeing that as a huge relief since I think it'll be best for me right now. My team agrees that a shorter trip there is also what's best. I am sad that now I have to call my nana and poppop and break the news to them :/ I know it's going to make them super sad. I just hope they understand that this is for my mental health.

But now my team isn't supporting NH. That my friends, is just not okay. I talked about it today and stuff with my therapist and she said she doesn't think it's such a good idea for a lot of reasons. But if I buckle down and really work hard at this she might support it and let me go. I mean, well, ultimately they can't stop me from going, but I don't want to go and do something my treatment team doesn't support… I want to feel like they believe I can do it and CAN do it. So starting right now, I am going to really kick this eating disorders arse and getting myself on track. I am going to follow my meal plan (at least 85%) and I am not going to purge or exercise. I am going to prove to them that 7 days away from home seeing friends is OKAY for me and I can do it.

I have been wanting to go to NH for years now and now I have the opportunity and I don't want to cancel. It would break my heart and I know it would break my BFF's if I had to tell her I can't come. I can't do that. Plus, I'm not going to let ED take something else away from me. 

I'm just so fed up! I want to be able to go to both places but I have to make decisions for my heath. Which is super sucky, but I know it's only for the better. My eating disorder had been loud and yes I have been using symptoms a lot lately, but I think NH is a super great motivation to work hard! And even after the trip because I don't want to have to lose anything else due to this illness. I want to do things normally and I want to see people. ED will not take that from me!

So please pray for me and for help with fighting against ED and the ability to go to both places! 

xxx

New Hampshire & New Jersey

So in like three weeks I go to New Jersey and then a week and a half after I get back I fly out to New Hampshire. I am terrified. I am stoked to go to both places. First off, for New Jersey because I love being with my family and I ADORE weddings… :) And New Hampshire because I get to see people I haven't seen since I was about 13 and 15! But guess who is interfering though with my excitement? Ed. All morning today I have been panicking because I looked in the mirror and oh my gosh I saw something I did not want to see. Well, first off, every time I look in the mirror that happens, but today I just began to panic because what if when I go on vaca to both these places I GAIN weight? Or what if the people I see think I'm too fat to have an eating disorder? Stupid fears, I know. But for me they're real and they scare me to death. Vacations mean eating out, eating a lot, and doing things on a whim. ALL THINGS THAT SCARE ME. I want to be able to eat and just forget about it but how on earth do I do that? ED is so loud these days. I know I've been trying to be more positive with like writing affirmations to myself and totally covering up certain mirrors in my house (I need to completely cover the ones in my room…). But he just keeps throwing new things at me. New Hampshire is a super important trip for me. I have waited so long to go back and I am super excited for the people I'm going to see. But part of me wants to just cancel because what if I have panic attacks or something? What if I freak out and just shut down? I don't want my trip to be that way. I want to be care free and enjoy the time. I know I'm not going to cancel the trip… that would just let ED win. But I need to just figure out how I'm going to deal if any of those things happen. I don't want to upset people or make them uncomfortable… that's something I fear also. But I need to make sure my needs are getting met too. It will be my first time going on a vacation with an actual meal plan and stuff too. I haven't been on vacation since I started treatment. So to follow it seems hard. What if I have to eat something that isn't at the right time or why if I have to move things around and I completely screw everything up? UGH. Right now ED is telling me to lose as much as I can before both trips to keep myself from gaining a lot. This I know is a poor idea and won't work since IOP is monitoring my weight and if I lose there will be a meeting to discuss that and I don't want that. Been there done that. I just need my mind to shut up. I need ED to go away. I want to stop being this way! WHERE IS THE MAGIC PILL?!

It has now been

10 days since I have given up my scale 0__o It has been hard, excruciating and painful. It was extremely hard when I went to see my dietician yesterday for the first time since giving it up and knowing it was hidden in the office somewhere… It's even harder knowing that at any given time I can ask for it back. So I have to just keep reminding myself of the pain the scale brought me and how much I don't want it to have such a hard hold on me. My eating disorder is furious obviously with the fact that I won't take it back. But I have been told it's good to piss ED off! lol IOP is going well. Although today was HARD. We had to make our own grilled cheese sandwich and I had a mini panic attack during the process. I had an even bigger panic attack after eating it and was shaking. I haven't had that happen since I was in the house… But I was just so scared. Grilled cheeses are super super hard for me and the fact that I had eaten one and not purged it was so hard to comprehend afterwards that I wanted to just bolt out of the room screaming. Of coarse I didn't do that… I cried instead. IOP has been super helpful and everything, but oh my goodness it is hard! SO SO HARD. I have cried on the drive there almost every day now because I get so scared of what they're going to serve us or what's going to be brought up and processed… I just get nervous and extremely anxious. I am glad though that I get to be in the program and that I am going despite ED constantly telling me to just call in sick or something… I am working hard! I won't give up. I just need some kicks in then butt to really challenge myself in some certain areas. That's all :)

Really Nervous...

So, tomorrow I give up my scale.

I am super super scared to do this and I am freaking out. I feel like this should be easy since this is the 4th scale I will be giving up, but it's still just as hard. I know I need to stop buying scales and to not focus on a number so much, but it's what my ED really holds on to. Having a number to go by everyday is SUPER important to it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I need to put my faith and trust in my team and to know they would NEVER let me spiral out of control, but ED keeps saying "All they wanna do is make you fat, fat, FAT!"

I don't know what I'm going to do now when I wake up each morning. My routine is to wake up, go potty, and weight myself…. now I'll go potty and be lost with what to do next 0__o

I need some suggestions. I know I could go eat breakfast, and I will. Breakfast is usually a simple meal for me and I can most times get through it. What I need to something to do afterwards too! Something to get my mind off the fact that I don't have a number and I don't know and won't know how much I weigh. I mean, I could always talk to my team about being open with my weight but we tried that while I was at the house and I ended up crying in my room for two hours refusing to go to programming. So I don't know…

I just really am scared. And it's embarrassing to know this is the fourth scale… like, dude…. how much money did I waste?! I mean, to ED it's not a waste of money but to Kelly, it is… I could have bought cute glam clothes! UGH.

Please pray for me and for peace around this big event for me. I am terrified.

First Day Of IOP

So it was the first day...

Lunch was stressful. I cried during my check in :/ I was pretty honest with my feelings and everything which is super rare for me when I start a new group with a whole bunch of people I don't even know. So I was proud of myself for not just lying and being like "I'm fine. The food was good. I have no feelings."

I wanted to purge so bad after lunch and was so tempted to just run from the room, but I stayed and fought against the feeling. I know I don't want to purge anymore and I want to just eat and be normal about it. I want this program to work for me! I'm willing to fight and do the work, I'm just SO scared and am afraid I'm going to fail or something. Like, I am still so obsessed with losing weight.

I guess we'll see how it all goes. I'll give it a few weeks or so and see how I feel.

It is a good group. I know some of the girls from when I was at the house, but it's still super stressful. I just want to stay quiet and not talk. I don't know how I'm going to open up... I feel terrified. Plus, ED wants me to stay quiet and keep all my feelings bottled up.

But today while sitting there I felt like I was going to EXPLODE with all the feelings and emotions I was dealing with. THANK GOD I saw my therapist RIGHT after IOP because I was so emotionally unstable by the end. I had so much going on in my head. The feelings from lunch, from the weekend, from days to come, how crappy I felt after eating, how I wanted to just find a place to hide and never come out….

I'm super mad at myself for letting so much get to me. Especially one thing in particular. But it's hard because the thing is something I've dealt with before and to have it happen again REALLY hurts. Like, what happened was good/bad. IDK… it's something stupid and I shouldn't even be thinking about it or EVEN CARE. I should just be over it by now but I still feel so hurt and confused.



I feel like the whole world is just throwing stuff at me every which way and just TRYING to make me feel like crap. Like, right after lunch today I checked my email on my phone and I saw an email from Macy's telling me I didn't get the job I applied for (which hurt like heck) and I felt like CRAP. I wanted to just stand up, surrender to everything, leave the room and just cry. Obviously I didn't do that… I composed myself and tried not to let it get to me but oh so clever ED was all like "Well, obviously you didn't get it. You're not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough… you're a failure and everyone knows that. You should just go home and purge."

I HATE when ED says all of that. It really gets to me. But despite this day, I didn't purge! I actually right after dinner went to my friend's house and vented to her which helped. Obviously I feel like I'm burdening people with my issues, but I know she cares about me and wants to help me, so that REALLY helped. I just the hate feeling like a huge bubble of negativeness. But hey, I have some issues and I need to deal with 'em.

So I guess I just hope things get better these next few days. I need something magical to happen. Like for Jesus to appear in my room and to just like hug me for eternity. I don't know. I just don't need anymore things to go wrong. I just want to be happy. Which I was on Saturday at Jax's wedding :) I had SO MUCH fun! So that's a positive! I didn't really let ED be present that night. I ate dinner, and it wasn't even my meal plan exchanges (which did freak me out) but I dealt with it and ate it (= And with complete strangers at the table too! And they were some cute boys, lol! And normally I'd freak out and not eat because I wouldn't want to look fat or gross to them, but I ignored ED and ate my meal and even talked :D I even tried to get to know one of the guys even better, but that plan flopped…. which is OK. I am OK. At first it did hurt and I got frustrated, but I figured God has someone out there for me and when he comes, it will all work out :) I just get so annoyed waiting….y know? 20 yrs old and still never had a boyfriend! Makes me feel kind of pathetic. But meh, I'm alright :) I have recovery to work on.

Well, that's basically all for now… I hope tomorrow goes smoothly :)

Totally freaking out….

So next Tuesday I start IOP (Intensive Out Patient). I had my intake today and after being told some of the expectations and what they expect out of group members, I kind of had a breakdown on the drive home :/ I cried all the way home.

I want to do this and I want to get better, I really do… but it's so hard when I feel so engrossed in my ED right now and all I wanna do is keep losing weight :/ But I know I can't. I can't live my life constantly trying to be thinner. That's not really a life. It's just so hard when all I ever see in the mirror is something I dislike SO MUCH.

I'm really scared I'm going to like get kicked out of group or something. Or like I will do everything wrong or mess up :/ UGH. IDK. I'm just freaking out! I just don't want to disappoint people… I feel like that's all I ever do…

I'm super scared of the eating there though. I eat so little as it is and now I have to eat full meals in group and I am SO SCARED of gaining like a billion pounds… I hate this. I really do.

I am very very

aggrivated.

Just now I was down stairs with my dad and we were watching TV together. I went to get up and he asked "Whatchya doing?" and I replied "I'm gonna go read." and then he said "Well, fine. That doesn't bring me joy or anything but do whatever you want."

I was just like...




I'm starting to see that everything I seem to do displeases him. I know he's mad because I don't have a job. I hate how I keep getting these sparks of hope for these jobs and I feel like he's proud and then they fall through and he's just disappointed in me. I can't help that no one seems to want me :/ It's hard on me and I don't think he knows that. Nor my mom. It been hard and it's really fueled my eating disorder in many ways. It's making me feel like all I'm really good at IS having an eating disorder. It seems it's the one thing I can do right. Everything else I seem to suck at.

I hate being home all day but they don't understand that it's hard to leave and do something when you're so dang depressed. I don't the world to see me.

I hate my body and I hate how I look and it's been really hard lately and having these types of comments said to me just makes ED loud and go "See, you suck at everything. The only one you can please is me." and I truly believe that right now. It feels like the only one  I can please is ED.

Plus, my faith is slowly going down the drain which is NOT good. I feel like God isn't even there. Everyone keeps saying he'll bring the right job for me but I'm just like "well, it better be soon because my parent's are starting to hate me".

Seriously. I feel like the worlds biggest disappointment.

If only my parent's knew how I felt and knew what I was truly going through. They keep saying they're seeing progress in me (which I know I've made some) but if only they knew that everyday is Hell for me and ED is SO LOUD. SO. FREAKING. LOUD.

I don't even want to read anymore now. I just want to lie down and cry. That may seem dramatic but honestly, I feel drained and emotionally exhausted. I look at all my friends and see them getting married, having jobs, being in school and I just can't help but feel jealous.

I mean, I've been looking in to going back to school but even that doesn't seem to please my parents. They're just like "Oh, okay…" and then they have to be like "I don't know.. that's a hard school to get in to". Like I NEED anymore of that kind of talk. That just turns me off again!

UGH. I'm so frustrated and annoyed.

I feel like crying.

Easter was so hard. There was food everywhere and I panicked and I ate so much. I wanted to use symptoms but I didn't, partly because I couldn't find a way to without making it obvious. So I suppose that's good right? :/

Ed is so loud right now and I looked at myself in the mirror and the image I saw was too much to even bear. I feel like a total wreck and failure.

I just wanna throw crap and scream!

At least I'm seeing Titanic 3D for my 3rd time tonight <333 I know, crazy, but dude, it's like the only thing that'll make me happy.

I'm dreading what I'll see in the mirror tomorrow.

It's been a rough

couple few days :/ Went out to eat dinner last night and I kind of over did it I think… I ate some key lime pie and all night I felt so horrible about myself.

But today I ate a bagel (= And this is huge since bagels are one of the BIGGEST fear foods of mine. So that my friends, is something big. But now I have this whole week of just me and my dad and I'm alone all day which makes it super hard (can't seem to find a stink in' job!) and I am worried that I might get out of hand while being home. I am planning on going out and doing things (hopefully. I like to isolate….) and keeping myself occupied. I do need summer clothes but I'm too scared to buy clothes but at the same time am desperate :/ UGH. IDK. I feel like a wreck.

I just don't want to end up using symptoms now that no one is home during the day :/ It's like a wide open invitation, people -___- Ed is screaming at me!

Well. I'm going to do my best.

Thanks for reading this, if you did… which if you're reading this then you did… so thanks.

I'mma go play with my hair now.

challenges.

I think I'm over doing it with the challenges :/ I'm going out to lunch AND dinner today with both friends….

I'm kind of scared since I normally NEVER eat out (totally against ED's rules…) but I really wanna see these friends and I know I can't just go "Oh, oops… just kidding. Not coming anymore! Don't wanna go against ED's rules…"

UGH. I just wanna be a normal human being and go out and have fun! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?!

Well, I'm going to pray that this all goes well.

PANCAKES!

Oh hai there…

GUESS WHAT I DID THIS MORNING?

I challenged myself to making some pancakes and then eating them! Oh yes I did.

So today was my last day of IDP

at the AWH and I thought I was okay with it until it was actually time to go home :/ But I realize that I am terrified out of my minnnddd. I was scared to walk out the door. I knew it would be my last time (hopefully) and that scared me.

I guess it's just scary to know that my level support is gone and I no longer have like EDTS or w/e to check in with everyday. It's a sucky feeling knowing that you no longer belong to a place. I'm weirdly going to miss it :/ I am however glad to be gone and done. I mean, I think I've learned what I can and I have gotten what I can from there.

It's just nerve racking because my ED is so loud and immediately wants to go back to symptom use. UGH. It just won't shut up! I hate it. But I'm going to do my best to stick to my meal plan and to do what I need to do in order to get better and not worse.

There's really not much else to say. So I'm gonna go now.

Bedtime now.

Hey friends!

So, there's not too much to talk about tonight. This post is mainly dedicated to those who I'd like to thank for being there for me (=

HUGS AND KISSES FOR YA'LL =D

Honestly though…. you all have been so important in this whole recovery process.

I have lost a few friends during this time of recovery, but to those of you who stayed by my side, thank you. Thank you so much. I realize that for some this all was a bit much to handle and honestly I don't blame some of the people who left for leaving. This illness is hard and really does change a person. I know I have been hard to deal with this past year of my recovery, and I was hard to deal with while in my ED before recovery.

I guess there was one loss that hurt the most and that loss can never be brought back. I won't say who, but I'm sure you all know.

This loss was one of the hardest I ever had to face. This person has said a lot of hurtful things to me in the past few months, and honestly, after receiving a letter from them, I realized how shallow they really were. They said I "Changed too much" when really, I just stopped living life their way. I'm living life my way. Whether it's healthy or not, it's my life. I don't need to live it any other way than my own. Yeah, some of my choices are not the brightest, but ya know what? We live and we learn.

This person also made the point that they were some how better because they were able to be 'smart' about their choices and I wasn't. The fact that I decided to start purging was apparently a sin to them and because they at least talked to their doctor about weight loss and doing it the 'healthy' way made them better than me.

Well guess what? I.DONT.CARE. I know I made unhealthy choices. I know I continue to make them. But I'm glad. I glad I ended up in the Anna Westin House. Why? Because I didn't just gain knowledge on my ED, but also on forever life skills. I gained and learned SO MUCH that will benefit me for the rest of my life. Like for example, DBT… we all need that! It has SAVED ME. It is some of the greatest stuff ever and if I had never gone to AWH, I would never had gained the skills of DBT!

Another thing this person said was that ED tore them apart from me. That may be. But look at all the people who ED didn't tear apart from me. Those are the people I want in my life. They looked beyond my ED and saw the real me. They never gave up. They stood beside me and didn't judge me.

And yeah, my first time at AWH, I didn't care what I did or didn't do. But honestly, who goes in to treatment all ready and prepared to give up something they've relied on for SO LONG?! Umm.. not me… and not anyone else I know. So I don't need to hear "I wasn't impressed with your first time at the AWH" because ya know what? I know how I was and I know what I did and did not do. But at least I had the balls to go back and do it right a second time.

I think I'm doing great. I think I'm really making progress. And yes, there will be slip ups, no ones perfect, but at least I'm doing something about my issues.

So to the person who wrote this letter to me, here is my response:

Our friendship is over. You decided it, not me. I was there the entire time trying to talk to you and work things out when you constantly pushed me away. But now I'm done. So stop writing to me. If you really don't want to be friends, then stop. I don't need to hear what you have to say because none of it means a thing to me. The only words that matter are those that come from my true friends.

I'm done here.

Interesting week

this has been.

Since I left the house I went without purging, but then last weekend my parents had a Mardi Gras party and it ended up with me using symptoms :'( But ya know what? It's ok. I slipped up, it happens, and I'm no a week free of purging! The main issue is struggling with restriction and exercise. I need some support around that :/

Body image has been down the drain recently…. I've been having a rough time with that :( Which really sucks. I checked in with an EDT about it and like I've been told over a thousand times, body image is the last to go…. UGH. I wish I could be the first.

POSITIVE MOMENT THOUGH :D I challenged myself with eating two beignets my brother made tonight. It was hard as Hell, and dude I wanted to purge SO BAD, but I did it!

So that's an accomplishment. And even though it's hard to accept, I'm at least half accepting it. SO YEAH.

I guess the only real down down DOOOOWWNNN part to all of this is that I was recently told something that really brought me down and I wanted to use symptoms. It's bothering me so much and it's making ED really loud. He's taking this and having a party in my head, man. It's really aggravating and exhausting and I hope it all stops. I hate how people and things they do can really have such a huge impact on my ED :/ Well, I just need to do my best to just keep myself under control as best I can. It's all I can do.

So next week is my last week of IDP and I'm kind of nervous :/ I don't want it to end but at the same time I do…. well, ED wants it to…. A LOT. He wants to gain all control back… ugh. IDK anymore. I'm just frustrated and so annoyed.

This week has really been a drag...

First, ED has been really loud and obnoxious, and second, DAVY PASSED AWAY.

WHY IN THE HECK DID THAT HAVE TO HAPPEN? I mean… seriously… of all the people in the WHOLE WORLD!? DAVY? DAAAAAAVY?!

I didn't eat after I found out, that's how hard I took it. Which, obviously, made ED happy. I suppose I was both in ED symptoms and mourning mode :/ I mean, one of my FAVE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND WHO WAS BASICALLY A PART OF MY EVERY MORNING (I listen to The Monkees every morning… haters gonna hate) IS NOW GONE x___X And on top of all of this sadness for Davy, ED is like louder than Hell. He's all up in my face 24 hours a day yelling at me.

I did do one momentous thing though…. I gave up my diet pills yesterday to an EDT… so that is pretty good. Even though now I'm going nuts and wishing I hadn't because I'm now in panic mode. (Gawd I sound messed up. Sorry.)

I'm in a rough spot. ED is loud, Davy is gone, my mind is a giant clusterf---- and I can't seem to calm down.

A Little Education For Ya'll….

Ok. So numerous times I have been approached by people telling me to watch certain documentaries and such things about people with Eating Disorders. They say "Once you see this, you'll for sure want to get rid of ED…" or "This will scare you out of your eating disorder for sure!"

Yeah… no.

For a good example, let's look at today. Now first off, I love my Mom. I know she means well and cares about me. But when I came home today from programming she asked me if I wanted to watch this documentary about a person who died from their eating disorder. I know this was because she wanted to enlighten me and show me that what I'm doing to myself is literally like killing myself and is super unhealthy (Which, by the way, I understand…). Of coarse I asked "Were there pictures shown?". When she said yes I immediately told her that watching the documentary prob wasn't the best idea then because images like this:

FUEL my eating disorder because sadly, and for some f'ed up reason, that is how I want to look. I know, it's messed up, sick, disgusting…. But it's the plain out honest truth.

Also, when people tell me I'm slowly killing myself is unhelpful to hear to, because truth be told, I have struggled with suicide for a while now and hearing that ONLY makes ED louder and more excited. I know, again…. messed up.

So what I want all of you lovely support people to know is:

• Don't mention how ED is a way of slowly killing myself.
• That I am basically going to look emaciated and like a Holocaust victim (I hate when ppl say that!)
• Don't tell me that I'm destroying my body.
• And so on….

Those things only FUEL ED and make him happier and louder.

This disease is hard to explain and honestly, posting this, I know I'll be judged and people are going to think I'm sick, gross, disgusting, severely messed up…. But honestly, the less people understand and know more about this illness, we're not going to get anywhere.

This is all the sad truth for me and I am working on it; Day by day.

Sooo.. tonight is my last night!

I'm feeling somewhat nervous.

Actually… really nervous. I know I did a lot of hard work here and made a lot of changes, but I still feel like my ED is so strong! But I know it's my time to leave and to face the world….

………

I feel like avoiding everyone which I KNOW is wrong… It's just how I get :/ ED wants it to just be me and him again and I kind of do too…. It's hard to explain… and everyone will probably be mad. I mean… ED is like my BFF. Without him I feel like there's nothing left for me. He's been there with me for 9 years now and if I just threw him to the curb (Which I should) it would hurt too much. He's kind of like my… pacifier. A safety net. I'm so scared to do this. Even with doing IDP at the house for a month doesn't seem like enough. But I know I can't stay here forever, and God knows I don't want that! I mean, I am getting sick of eating ALL. DAY. LONG. I hate it!

I probably sound so anti-recovery :/ I'm sorry. This is just such a hard disease to fight.

Anyway. We'll see how things go outside of here and back at home (yay for Kiwi and seeing Kathryn! And my parents! lol). It will be a process…. a long one. Atleast I know that AWH isn't going anywhere and if years from now I need it, I can always go back. But I can tell you that I won't be back here any time soon and hopefully, the goal is, never again to come back.

Well, it's all in God's hands!

So it's been decided….

I leave next Wednesday.

I'll be doing IDP here though for four weeks, so I'll still be at the AWH. But I'm nervous to go home again. I mean, I know what to expect… I've done this before. It's just scary when symptom use has been bad and ED is so freakin' loud and all I wanna do is binge and purge, restrict and work out. But I'm going to go home and try my best to refrain from that.

I just hope I don't mess up again :/

And boy am I not looking forward to today. I have a lot going on and my mind is going crazy and body image is just down the drain. I found out my weight last week and I broke down. I've gained 11 lbs since being here. Hope this isn't triggering to anyone, but it's just hard when I find out I came in under 107 lbs and OMG did that make my ED happy. He was like "Oh my gosh! You were so freakin' close to your FIRST goal weight!" and now he's yelling at me cuz I am so FAR from it now…. and all I wanna do is get back to it :(

UGH. Well… we'll so how things go. I'm pretty determined to do this right this time and not get my butt back up in this place.

Hallo!

So I gave my life story the other week and it went pretty well.

Other than that, I've been having a tough time. I purged a week ago and I felt so guilty. I broke down to my therapist afterwards. It's weird… after I purged I didn't feel the same relief I always did. I didn't feel good or satisfied. I felt guilt, shame, disgust… but even after feeling all of that I still want to continue to purge :/ I know it's because I am really hating this weight restoration! UGH. I got my more tallies added to my meal plan and since then I've just been gaining and gaining (or so it seems…). I hate looking at myself in the mirror because every time I do I just break down in to tears. I hate it.

At least I got to go to church yesterday and that really helped! The message really applied to what I'm going through and so it was JUST what I needed to hear. Praise God for being so AWESOME SAUCE.

Anyway. I'm hanging in there the best I can. I have been symptom free since Jan 10th, so we're going to continue that! I know I can do it. I I have the strength that God is giving me each day to overcome this.

Thank you all for your constant support and love <3 xxxx

My Life Story I will present this Weds.

I was born August 21st 1991 to the loving parents of Linda and Michael Reinhardt. in Maryland.

As a child, I remember being happy all the time. There were no cares in the world. I remember the endless nights of playing with my American Girl doll, Samantha, and those long afternoons playing with my millions of Barbies (half of which I stole from a friend). I remember all the excitement I felt each time I watched a Disney movie or my favorite television show was on. It seems it all went by so fast…

I remember starting middle school like it was just yesterday. I remember how scared I was. How sad I was. But then, how excited I was! I felt somewhat grown up. Seventh grade was honestly one of the best and worst years of my life. I had awesome teachers, I met my best friend… but it was also the year when things started to go down hill.

I started focusing on my body more than usual. I started comparing myself to others constantly. I have to admit, I wasn’t the most popular kid, and actually, I was hardly noticed at all and mostly this one boy picked me on a lot in particular. He would tell me I was fat, ugly, a loser, and I believed him. I let the words eat away at me. I spend every night trying on clothes to figure out how to look ‘cool’. I tried doing my make up and my hair. I tried everything I could think of to look beautiful and to be accepted. I read magazine article after articles to find the answer of perfection and beauty. But I could never seem to perfect it. There was always a flaw in me.

Soon, I decided the answer was to go on a diet. So at twelve years old, I began dieting. I let myself eat, but only small portions which then soon turned smaller and smaller. I started faking sick to get out of dinner. I still remember the nights lying in bed with the worst pain in my stomach because I hadn’t eaten all day. I remember crying myself to sleep it was so bad. But the pain didn’t stop me from continuing.

Every morning I woke up at 5:00 and snuck out to our workout room in our house and ran on the treadmill for 2 hours before school. No one ever knew.

Each day I skipped every meal, lied to people, and hid things. I started to become one big liar.

People slowly began to notice but hardly said anything. I just went about and did my thing.

My best friend, Kaitlyn, noticed something was wrong and tried to confront me about it numerous times, but I always came up with some sort of lie. Soon, she just stopped. It was clear to her I didn’t want the help. I was in total denial that anything was wrong.

Later in the school year, I was told I would be moving back to Minnesota (I lived there from kindergarten to 3^rd grade). This was extremely hard for me. I had to leave all my friends behind. At first, I felt somewhat excited since I would be going back to my old friends and that sounded exciting.

Boy was I wrong.

I started going to Plymouth Middle School and things just got worse. I was picked on there for being ugly by this one boy (he picked on me previously to living there). So now I had him to pick on me again. Everyday he had some snide comment to say to me.

The friends I had previous to living there didn’t want to be my friend anymore and the hopes of starting those relationships back up again were crushed. It was really hard on me. I felt alone and completely abandoned.

Of coarse I got the stupid comments on my infatuation with Titanic, and constantly was teased. I got notes left on my locker of people drawing the ship sinking and me drowning. It always hurt, but I pretended I was fine and not affected by it when truly, deep down, I was hurt…. Immensely.

I never felt normal growing up and with all this teasing; it just fed in to the thoughts that something was wrong with me.I wasn’t the smartest kid in school and I even once had a teacher tell me something was wrong with my brain and should see a doctor. My mom of coarse got super angry and confronted this teacher, but still, even to this day, the words she said still ring in my head.

Around this time I also started cutting. It started to become obsessive and I would do it multiple times a day. It helped to ease the pain and suffering. I didn’t know how to cope with the pain and this seemed to be the only way. It worked for me. Sometimes I even hoped people would notice the band-aids on my wrist, or the scars, just so the world would see I was in pain…. that I was suffering. But no one ever said a word. So I kept it locked deep inside and never told anyone.

My eating disorder started to get worse. I kept going days without eating until one day I fainted in the halls and was sent to the nurse. When she said I had to eat, I refused. She called my mom and she came to get me and I got a long talk. At this time my mom hadn’t known I was struggling with this for a while. I lied to her about it and soon she ended up just sending me to Melrose where I did outpatient for a few months. It was horrible and I hated it. I was loosing weight more and more rapidly. My mom began to see this was serious and it put a lot of stress on her.

After quitting Melrose (I hated it there), I started high school at Marantha Christian Academy. It was one of the greatest decisions of my life. I was welcomed to a whole new world. I began to come close to the Lord and accepted him in to my heart and felt ready to fully live my life for Christ.

The first year there my eating disorder was pretty quiet. It was like it was hardly there. I was able to enjoy life and my new friends, my new relationship with God… everything seemed perfect.

When tenth grade started, things started to go down hill again. The voices became loud again and I started restricting again. I started exercising for hours at a time again. But each time the hours became longer and longer. Soon I was on the treadmill for over four hours. I was determined to reach my goal. I started recording everything I ate, the nutritional information, my weight…. I bought a scale an began weighing myself every morning, then every morning and afternoon, then just up to about 20 times a day. I became addicted to thinspiratin and pro ana sites. I became a member of over 10 sites and was an active member. Soon I started my own site. As people joined, it just fueled my eating disorder more. I had texting buddies, email buddies, IM buddies, all people to help motivate me to starve myself. Sadly, I did the same for them. It was a terrible time and still can’t find it in me to forgive myself.

By eleventh grade I had learned how to purge. I still remember the first time I did it and the feeling I got. It was like everything in the world had been changed. All my worries were gone… nothing mattered. I became addicted. I purged up to 15 times a day. It was honestly all I felt could get me through.

Senior year I had lost so much people had started commenting on me and telling me I had the ‘perfect’ body. This made my eating disorder happy to hear. It got me excited and soon I started to use laxatives and diet pills to achieve an even more ‘perfect’ body.

I soon started to work in the cafeteria (not by choice) and had to prepare food and serve it to the younger kids. This became dangerous and led to a lot of stealing food, hoarding it, hiding it in my locker, and binging and purging while at school. It was what I did anytime I felt bad, did poorly on a test, or felt like my day was just utter crap.

I used to hide when everyone went off campus for lunch. I would hide in the girls bathroom exercising. I was just completely at a low point. I never went anywhere with friends. I isolated and hid myself from the world. I became so depressed and my only friend was basically my eating disorder.

By college I was in the darkest spots. I started at The Art Institutes. They had a culinary program and always gave out free food that they had made. I remember waiting for class eating cake after cake after cake and then using symptoms. I was so drained I was failing my classes and had to drop them all.

One day, in September, I had come home and had eaten dinner with my family. Afterwards, I went to use symptoms and my mom walked in on me. The shock and horror on her face was enough to scare me even to this day. In a panic she called every doctor possible.

After this, I decided to leave school and seek help. I found The Emily Program and decided to give it a try. By February 16^th I entered The Anna Westin House. It was terrifying and absolutely scary. I remember holding on to my dad for dear life crying my eyes out begging him to take me home. But with no luck, he left and I was stuck.

As the weeks went by, it got easier. I got accustomed to the rules, how things ran, the staff, residents… For the five months I spent there I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was so deep in my eating disorder I used symptoms all the time. I didn’t take anything seriously. I wanted my eating disorder. I was too afraid to let go. I was scared of how life would be without it. It was scary to imagine! I wanted to avoid it any way I could.

During the stay, my best friend, Kaitlyn, had decided she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore. One night I got a text from her saying I wasn’t her best friend anymore. This honestly confused the heck out of me. Thinking maybe she was drunk or something, I tried calling her… but she never answered. After a few days she finally answered in a text saying terrible things to me. I was completely heart broken and was devastated to know my best friend no longer wanted me in her life. For days I shut down, isolated in my room, cried, didn’t go to meals… It was almost like a breakup.

It was so hard because Kaitlyn and I were SO CLOSE even though we were miles apart. She was like my sister. I told her everything. We talked everyday, and it was like she was always right there beside me. It took a while to overcome the pain and the heartbreak. But I was happy I was in a place where I had immense support and love to help me through.

Even though it’s been about nine months since we’ve talked, I still feel the pain and still cry every so often. But I am stronger now and know that maybe this was just how it was meant to be.

After I left the house I went to IDP for 3 months. It was hard and I still didn’t know if I wanted recovery. I continued to use symptoms and lie. I never followed my meal plan and constantly isolated.

After a while things started to change and I began to realize what I wanted. I wanted recovery. I was sick of how I was living and wanted it to change. So Dec. 13^th I came back to the Anna Westin House with a completely new attitude. I came in with the complete goal of NO SYMPTOMS, to put fourth my BEST effort and to do whatever I could to overcome this.

Being here now is exciting. I am in a whole new place and feel so good about what I am doing and who I am. Although it’ so hard since it’s been the longest time I’ve gone without symptom use, I am able to see it and be somewhat proud.

I know have a great support system in my life. My friend Kathryn has stuck beside me the whole time and has been the biggest support of all my friends. I am so thankful to God that I have her in my life along with my loving parents who never give up on me and continue to help me fight. My entire family is a huge support system and I can’t imagine trying to do this without them. I am confident in myself and know that I will recover. Things are different and I can definetely feel change in the air.

I will continue to fight and I will not stop until I defeat ED. I know I can and with my God beside me, I will overcome this. I will never let go of the hope. I will go on! I will fight and I will one day eat popcorn while watching That 70’s Show laughing and having no care of what I am eating. I will enjoy food and I will have my life back.

Why is body image so important?

Just ask yourself. When you wake up in the morning, who do you let define your worth? The mirror? Your peers? The scale? God?

Sadly, for a lot of us, me included, let our worth be measured by everything BESIDES God. But when you think about it... what is so important about how we look?

Recently, someone gave someone I know crap for being TOO THIN. When I heard this, I was just awe struck. Here, the media throws at us how we need to be stick model thin in order to be beautiful and accepted. So I thought to myself, well, if the person was fat, you'd be giving them crap for that. So, I wondered... what IS the perfect image? Obviously it's not being too thin or being too fat. So... in the middle? All I know is that for me, I want to be accepted. And I know for a fact that YOU DO TOO.

So while thinking on this, I came to the only conclusion I could.... NO ONE IS PERFECT. We've all been told this thouuussanndss of times and yet we still fail to believe it. There is only one perfect person in this world... Jesus. No matter what we do and how hard we try... we will never be perfect. And it's okay! That's why Jesus died on the cross for us.

For those of you who know me on a deep level know I have always struggled with my own self image. And you're probably reading this going "WTF?". I know... I feel weird too. But I just felt the Lord put it on my heart to share this. I am working on improving myself and learning to accept the way I look.

God created us in his image (Genesis 1:27). God is beautiful, God is wonderful! When you look at yourself and say "Ugh, this just isn't right. My nose is too big, my eyes are too small" you're not insulting yourself.... your insulting the work of God. This has always been a hard one for me. But with time, I am learning to see my beauty.

Image isn't what life is all about. Life is about doing and completing God's plan he has for you. I mean, in the end, when we stand before him, is our image gonna matter? NO. It won't.

So, I say this.... I am going to let God be the judge. Too long I have let people tell me what I was or wasn't. But I know what I am.... and I am worth so much. My life was plagued with lies for 10 years and I am setting myself free. I am beginning to step out of the lies of the enemy and in to the truth of the Lord.

Listen to this song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW9UHJVMbsY

Is this what you want to put people through? Sticks and stones may break bones... but words can make people starve themselves to death.

Be the light for someone. Tell them they're beautiful. That they're worth it. Let's be a light.