I still remember the day that I distinctly heard that voice in my head. The voice we now call ED. It's like it happened just yesterday. That's how clear it is to me.
I was 11 years old. I remember standing in front of my mirror looking at myself. I don't remember why I was looking but I was. Then, all of a sudden, the voice appeared. It was literally like someone else was in the room talking to me. Standing right behind me whispering in my ear. It was telling me I was imperfect. I was fat, ugly, a disgrace. It told me my parents were disappointed in me and that I would never amount to anything… That I would be the one to make all the mistakes.
I remember it started picking me apart piece by piece. First my face, my hair, my arms, my legs… then my stomach. I remember my body suddenly began to overflow with emotions and thoughts. Thoughts of destruction and emotions of sadness and anger. It was like I was smacked in the face. I remember I began to cry so hard I couldn't breathe. I was terrified. I thought I had completely lost myself. I was a disgrace. I was a failure. I had let myself go too far. I was fat and I had to do something about it. And that's when everything began. The restricting, the exercise, the purging, the laxatives and diet pills… all because this stupid voice started talking to me and filling me with lies. Now I'm 21 and I look back at this little 11 year old girl and wonder how I could have let this happen? I wish I had been stronger back then and had been able to ignore ED and push him away before he had gotten his claws in me so deep that now I feel like there's no escape.
Tonight I looked in the mirror, the same exact one that I did that night all those years ago, and again I listened to ED pound me with horrible thoughts, and sadly, I listened. I took it and I believed it. But then I stopped and I thought to myself "Why? Why, when after these past two years of hard work and dedication to recovery do I still choose to stand in front of this mirror and listen to ED criticize me?". I don't want to do that. I want to walk away from that mirror, without one glance of myself, and go about my life knowing that I am perfect and beautiful just how I am. I don't need ED and I don't need his little lies. I need to start loving this body and know that it's the only one I've got and I need to cherish it.
Kelly - I am so proud of who you have become. I don't know why ED does this to us. I see you as a fighter. You are eccentric, so witty, charming and beautiful. And I know ED is probably saying to you "DON'T believe her" - I was glad you were able to stand up in the mirror and say "WHY?" that is amazing! Bottom line - You are a fighter girl. And I adore you. ALOT of people love you and sooner or later - I know you are going to love yourself. I also started at about age 11 with all of this. We have always had so much in common. Strange. I am going to try to keep up on your blog. I have one too now - Simplisticheart.blogspot.com - but I am just trying to find my voice. I used to blog ALL the time. I had many blogs from like 6 years ago - I feel blocked. From singing to acting to writing - ED has blocked me. ED does so much damage. I am just so proud of you. And I am so happy I got to know you and I hope we can get to know each other better and I know I am an old woman compared to you - but I would love for you to reach out to me if you ever needed someone. I do care about you. From my heart - I care.
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