Lunch was stressful. I cried during my check in :/ I was pretty honest with my feelings and everything which is super rare for me when I start a new group with a whole bunch of people I don't even know. So I was proud of myself for not just lying and being like "I'm fine. The food was good. I have no feelings."
I wanted to purge so bad after lunch and was so tempted to just run from the room, but I stayed and fought against the feeling. I know I don't want to purge anymore and I want to just eat and be normal about it. I want this program to work for me! I'm willing to fight and do the work, I'm just SO scared and am afraid I'm going to fail or something. Like, I am still so obsessed with losing weight.
I guess we'll see how it all goes. I'll give it a few weeks or so and see how I feel.
It is a good group. I know some of the girls from when I was at the house, but it's still super stressful. I just want to stay quiet and not talk. I don't know how I'm going to open up... I feel terrified. Plus, ED wants me to stay quiet and keep all my feelings bottled up.
But today while sitting there I felt like I was going to EXPLODE with all the feelings and emotions I was dealing with. THANK GOD I saw my therapist RIGHT after IOP because I was so emotionally unstable by the end. I had so much going on in my head. The feelings from lunch, from the weekend, from days to come, how crappy I felt after eating, how I wanted to just find a place to hide and never come out….
I'm super mad at myself for letting so much get to me. Especially one thing in particular. But it's hard because the thing is something I've dealt with before and to have it happen again REALLY hurts. Like, what happened was good/bad. IDK… it's something stupid and I shouldn't even be thinking about it or EVEN CARE. I should just be over it by now but I still feel so hurt and confused.
I feel like the whole world is just throwing stuff at me every which way and just TRYING to make me feel like crap. Like, right after lunch today I checked my email on my phone and I saw an email from Macy's telling me I didn't get the job I applied for (which hurt like heck) and I felt like CRAP. I wanted to just stand up, surrender to everything, leave the room and just cry. Obviously I didn't do that… I composed myself and tried not to let it get to me but oh so clever ED was all like "Well, obviously you didn't get it. You're not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough… you're a failure and everyone knows that. You should just go home and purge."
I HATE when ED says all of that. It really gets to me. But despite this day, I didn't purge! I actually right after dinner went to my friend's house and vented to her which helped. Obviously I feel like I'm burdening people with my issues, but I know she cares about me and wants to help me, so that REALLY helped. I just the hate feeling like a huge bubble of negativeness. But hey, I have some issues and I need to deal with 'em.
So I guess I just hope things get better these next few days. I need something magical to happen. Like for Jesus to appear in my room and to just like hug me for eternity. I don't know. I just don't need anymore things to go wrong. I just want to be happy. Which I was on Saturday at Jax's wedding :) I had SO MUCH fun! So that's a positive! I didn't really let ED be present that night. I ate dinner, and it wasn't even my meal plan exchanges (which did freak me out) but I dealt with it and ate it (= And with complete strangers at the table too! And they were some cute boys, lol! And normally I'd freak out and not eat because I wouldn't want to look fat or gross to them, but I ignored ED and ate my meal and even talked :D I even tried to get to know one of the guys even better, but that plan flopped…. which is OK. I am OK. At first it did hurt and I got frustrated, but I figured God has someone out there for me and when he comes, it will all work out :) I just get so annoyed waiting….y know? 20 yrs old and still never had a boyfriend! Makes me feel kind of pathetic. But meh, I'm alright :) I have recovery to work on.
Well, that's basically all for now… I hope tomorrow goes smoothly :)
Kelly, I wrote you a long comment, and lost it while trying to get it to post. the short of it was
ReplyDeleteKelly - 1 Ed-0 And that is the way it should be. Don't stress about macy's they aren't worth stressing about.
Ok, that was the cliff notes version of a very long post. Now, go back tomorrow and kick some more ed ass. Love ya,
There are other jobs out there.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing fantastic! Keep on doing what you're doing- you are making progress, and If I can see it from way over here, you're DOING it. I <3 U!