Come at me bro.

ED is pissing me off right now. He is just filling my head with TERRIBLE thoughts. Like, excessively today. I have looked in the mirror over 50 times and each time I saw like a baby bump. I 'AINT PREGGO. So that is fattooo.

I'm pissed. And the thing is.... ED is all like "You know you need me. You won't survive without me." and I just go....

And I try to argue with him but then I end up just staring in the mirror feeling defeated and completely lame. UGH.

Why do I feel like I just can't win this battle? ED is like.... my boyfriend. I love him. I don't want to break up with him but then again the relationship is unhealthy and so I know I NEED to breakup with him but I can't 'cuz i LOVE HIM.

WTF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS ALL HAPPENED TO ME.

Not okay.

So... yesterday ended on a HORRIBLE note. I found out my weight and cried for three straight hours. I'm not exaggerating. I was devastated.

I just burst in to tears right there to my dietician and was like so mad. The number is HUGE. It's scary, terrifying, and just not what I want to be at. I mean, I was at a low weight and they said it was healthy and they'd stabilize me there... and now, now they just are plumping me up. My dietician told me m body is just trying to find it's good point at where it needs to be.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU, I WAS MUCH LOWER IN WEIGHT BEFORE AND I WAS FINE. I was getting my monthly gift.... I was fine.

I guess this all sounds stupid since I'm in recovery and here I am complaining about gaining... I know it's what was going to happen... I mean, I came here underweight and crap... but I didn't expect to gain THIS MUCH. It just seems ridiculous and unfair to me.

I've done my research, and as long as my BMI is in the range of 18.5 or 24 I'm fine! I was a 20.1 BMI and now I'm 21.4

I'm sorry... but that is just TOO HIGH.

I ended up packing my suitcase yesterday and later when my mom called me I said I wanted to come home but she said NO. I was PISSED.

Honestly, this is all just... UGH. I thought I could do this. I really did. But now I feel as if I NEED my eating disorder to be happy. W/o it I'm miserable. My ED has been my companion since I was twelve.... I can't just throw it away! I know I have to and need to and that I want to, but there's the tiny bit of me that just wants to hold on. To NEVER LET GO.

I don't feel like Kelly w/o it. W/o it... I just feel... lonely.

Now don't go thinking that I'm GIVING UP.... I'm not. I'm still here... at the house.... going to every meal.... so I'm not giving up. I'm just feeling low.

EATING DISORDERS SUCKS.

Meeepz.

That's only a bit dramatic to describe how I feel today.... I feel somewhat this way.

Anyway. Today is a new day. It kind of started off rough. I hate having coffee cake for breakfast. Anything sweet or cakey like in the morning seems like a dessert. It just upsets me. I ended up not eating all of it... We all here were pretty upset.

Anyway. I'm going to work on trying to update here more. Sorry if not all my posts are exactly unicorns sliding down rainbows with skittles and giggles.... But I will try to post more positive. It's just hard to. I've just been really deep in my eating disorder lately and symptom use has been high

I spent a good time venting to an EDT last night and then going upstairs to draw. So that helped. I also ripped up some tissues with a friend, lol! That was very therapeutic.

Today I'm working on yelling comebacks to ED every time he puts a negative thought in to my head. Obviously it didn't work too well at breakfast... but I still have lunch, pm snack, dinner, and hs snack to try. I always keep my journal at the table so I can write it down. It works a little, but it's still so hard to fully grasp and accept the words I say in return. I also need to work on my body checking I really need to AVOID mirrors....

You have no idea how frustrating it is to look in the mirror and throughout the day watch yourself get bigger and bigger... I know it's not physically happening, but at the same time I feel it is. IT'S SO CONFUSING. I changed like 5 times today already because I feel uncomfortable in everything I wear. I HATE IT.

I feel like because I'm this way, no one will want to be my friend.... or like, I'll never have a boyfriend. I know this all random crap to even think about, but it's honestly how I feel.....

Well, that's all I got.

byeeee!

hahaha...

oh, hai.

Yeah... I haven't updated in forever.... Some people asked about that.... sorry.

Umm.... what to say....

Well, it's my 4th month here at the house.... I no longer have a BFF... I've switched rooms 4 times and have had 6 different room mates.... yep-ahhh. I guess I wasn't updating 'cuz I've been in a huge funk and just for real wasn't feeling so motivated to work on recovery... everyone I came in to here discharged and so I'm the person whose been here the longest out of everyone and I feel weird about it....

It's hard because eveeeeeryone here who was my friend is NOW GONE. I mean, there are new ppl here who I have become close to, but I mean.. there were two ppl in particular who I NEED who are now gone X(

Anyway. I don't have anything too AMAZING to say besides "Oh, hey! I haven't had any meal plan increases!" *partaayy*

Ok. This is pointless. Bye.