So while having dinner this evening my Dad and I were discussing my treatment and it seems like he's getting frustrated with me. He kept asking if the program was working, how long I'd be in it, la de da de da… it just seemed like he was kind of like "Are you ready to move on yet?" He even said to me that it's been two years and like how much longer do I need it? I told him I didn't know how long I'd be in IOP or anything but I did make it clear that it's helping! I mean, people stay in eating disorder treatment for years… this isn't some easy fix. He then was like "What goals are you setting?" and so I told him and he didn't seem too impressed. I think he wanted something more than "To eat night time snack at least 3x this week."
Then the big thing came… school.
I shut down right there and then. Every time school is mentioned I just shut down. I want to go back, God only knows how much! But I just feel like I'm not quite there… I'm more there than I was a few months ago! But right now it just seems more of an eating disorder type thing to want to go back. I know it prob will always be and I just need to learn to not let it be. (what I mean by that is that going back means freedom and the ability to just relapse with no one there to see…)
Anyway, so we discussed school and I just said I was applying to some schools but hadn't sent in the applications yet but I will be when I'm ready and for sure know when I want to go back. Of coarse he seemed upset by this but he just kind of got up and walked away…. which he does when he wants to say something but knows it will only upset the person he's going to say it to. So now I wanna know what he was intending to say but know it's prob best I don't….
The purpose of this post is to freaking try and figure out if I am taking too long or am going too slow at this whole recovery process?! I feel like everyone looks at me like some giant disappointment! I feel so useless in this world and it sucks. I mean, no job, no school, no boyfriend, hardly any friends left it seems and parents who are just down right frustrated with me is a hard everyday thing to have to live with.
I sit here watching all my friend's live their lives and do such wonderful things and here I am going to treatment everyday sitting in a room expressing my deep feelings and emotions and eating food that frankly I don't want a f*ck to deal with and it seems everyone thinks I'm in some day care where they feed me and it's so easy. Well it's not. It's effin' hard and I hate doing it everyday. And after almost two years of it I feel like I should move on and do something else but I just need to realize that this is what I need right now and that's all that matters. But I constantly feel like my parents think this is something so easy and they just don't get why when I come home everyday I'm so exhausted! Well, I'd like them to try to tell their deepest secrets and feelings to people. They should try making themselves vulnerable and giving up coping mechanisms that make you feel like nothing in the world can harm you and everything is going to be ok because you have those coping mechanisms. THIS IS HARD SHIT. I HATE EATING. EATING IS THE WORST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. And yet, we need to do it to survive (dammit). I don't know what's going on with me right now. bye.
Now I understand your post about how difficult feelings are: you've got a ton swirling around right now! I just think that you're right where you need to be right now. It's always good to question that, so that we make sure we're doing what's best for us, but you are clearly questioning it and coming to the conclusion that this is where you need to be. Your goals are your goals and they don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations. I know your parents seem super frustrated, and to be honest, they probably are. They love you so much and want you to be out living a happy life (which is just what you want too, but your ED doesn't want that). So you're actually on the same page, it's just hard for it to feel that way sometimes. Trust me, I've gone through the exact same thing with my parents. As for watching the lives of our friends and comparing them with our own, we talked about that and how hard that is. Just remember that you're dealing with something they don't have to deal with. Try not to compare.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I know this is a ridiculously long comment, but I want to give you a little bit more of a reality-check/affirmation of what you're going through. YES, treatment is exhausting and one of the most difficult things to do in life EVER. You are working HARD! YES, you are where you need to be. YES, you will eventually be able to do things besides treatment, like go back to school if that's what you decide. You are incredibly smart and talented and have so much to offer. You know what else? You're not useless right now just because you're in treatment; do you know how many people you've helped along the way? Do you know how much you've helped me? You are making a difference even while in treatment. YES, there will be a time where moving on from intensive treatment seems like the next scary/exciting/wonderful step and not a way to revert back to symptom use. And finally, YES, you may have fewer friends than a few years ago, but the ones you have now are the ones who love you for who you are and are going to stick around and be there for you no matter what. It's better to have a few of those than a ton of superficial friends.
Okay, sorry my comment turned into a post nearly as long as your blog. I just want you to know that this questioning is actually a good thing and it's all part of the process. You are loved for who you are, no matter where you are in the process.
I LIKE Jill's comment and am only going to add to it that the AVERAGE length of stay in treatment is 7 years. Yes, seven. Average. Some people get better in two, and some it takes 22.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are exactly where you need to be at the moment. And YES, it is f*king hard to do.
And, yes, keep doing it.