Hopeless.

It's 1:40 am and I can't sleep. I feel hopeless right now. I feel heartbroken and defeated. I don't even know what to do. I feel like, in this moment, that I want to give up. I haven't felt like this in so long but all of a sudden I feel like just falling to the ground and surrendering to whatever in this universe wants me to suffer. I feel like my pain has been getting so much greater these past few days. I don't know how to describe it but I feel so hurt and ashamed of being me. I wanted to tear everything down in my room and just burn it. I can't stand looking at the person I am. I feel so sad. So sad. It actually makes my chest hurt.

There's a lot going on inside me right now and I don't know who to go to to talk to about it.  Should I even try to talk? I feel like I do and nothing changes. The pain just gets worse.

NH is in a few weeks and I am scared out of my mind. I don't even know why. Well, part of me knows, but the other half is just confused.

What's going on with me?