Home Alone

So the past four days I have been home alone. My parents have gone to the Virgin Islands for their 25th anniversary and that left me home alone. At first I was super excited because this meant there would be no one nagging or bothering me! :) WOO! It also meant more time for my eating disorder to come in :/ And he did. BIG SURPRISE.

Being alone these past few days has really showed me how disordered I am with food... like for instance, last night I spent a full hour and a half making something I knew I was NOT going to eat. I prepared this elaborate baked mac and cheese and when it came out of the oven, I took a small bite, panicked, and threw the whole thing in the trash. WHAT A WASTE OF FOOD. I don't know why I even made the freakin' dish! I knew from the start I wasn't going to eat it. UGH.

Then the last two days I have obsessively spent HOURS upon HOURS looking up low calorie recipes and foods... Mind you I had 3 days off from work this week (in a row) and I didn't know how to spend my time. Plus I was starving since I've been restricting the past few days. Not too much, but just enough to cause me to go on crazy binges...IT'S NUTS. As strange as it sounds, I can't wait to have my parents back. I need them for support so badly. Me doing this alone is not working.... not working at all. I can't feed myself properly. I know I should... I went to the Anna Westin House, did IOP and IDP, all places that help you to learn how to freakin' feed yourself! I SHOULD KNOW HOW TO FEED MY BODY. Breakfast is the only time I know what to do basically. Well, maybe not.... I mean, I eat two things and I know that in order to eat a full meal you need three food items...

UGH. IDK. I feel like such a moron. Why can't this be easier?!

I HATE ED SO MUCH.