New Hampshire & New Jersey

So in like three weeks I go to New Jersey and then a week and a half after I get back I fly out to New Hampshire. I am terrified. I am stoked to go to both places. First off, for New Jersey because I love being with my family and I ADORE weddings… :) And New Hampshire because I get to see people I haven't seen since I was about 13 and 15! But guess who is interfering though with my excitement? Ed. All morning today I have been panicking because I looked in the mirror and oh my gosh I saw something I did not want to see. Well, first off, every time I look in the mirror that happens, but today I just began to panic because what if when I go on vaca to both these places I GAIN weight? Or what if the people I see think I'm too fat to have an eating disorder? Stupid fears, I know. But for me they're real and they scare me to death. Vacations mean eating out, eating a lot, and doing things on a whim. ALL THINGS THAT SCARE ME. I want to be able to eat and just forget about it but how on earth do I do that? ED is so loud these days. I know I've been trying to be more positive with like writing affirmations to myself and totally covering up certain mirrors in my house (I need to completely cover the ones in my room…). But he just keeps throwing new things at me. New Hampshire is a super important trip for me. I have waited so long to go back and I am super excited for the people I'm going to see. But part of me wants to just cancel because what if I have panic attacks or something? What if I freak out and just shut down? I don't want my trip to be that way. I want to be care free and enjoy the time. I know I'm not going to cancel the trip… that would just let ED win. But I need to just figure out how I'm going to deal if any of those things happen. I don't want to upset people or make them uncomfortable… that's something I fear also. But I need to make sure my needs are getting met too. It will be my first time going on a vacation with an actual meal plan and stuff too. I haven't been on vacation since I started treatment. So to follow it seems hard. What if I have to eat something that isn't at the right time or why if I have to move things around and I completely screw everything up? UGH. Right now ED is telling me to lose as much as I can before both trips to keep myself from gaining a lot. This I know is a poor idea and won't work since IOP is monitoring my weight and if I lose there will be a meeting to discuss that and I don't want that. Been there done that. I just need my mind to shut up. I need ED to go away. I want to stop being this way! WHERE IS THE MAGIC PILL?!