It has now been

10 days since I have given up my scale 0__o It has been hard, excruciating and painful. It was extremely hard when I went to see my dietician yesterday for the first time since giving it up and knowing it was hidden in the office somewhere… It's even harder knowing that at any given time I can ask for it back. So I have to just keep reminding myself of the pain the scale brought me and how much I don't want it to have such a hard hold on me. My eating disorder is furious obviously with the fact that I won't take it back. But I have been told it's good to piss ED off! lol IOP is going well. Although today was HARD. We had to make our own grilled cheese sandwich and I had a mini panic attack during the process. I had an even bigger panic attack after eating it and was shaking. I haven't had that happen since I was in the house… But I was just so scared. Grilled cheeses are super super hard for me and the fact that I had eaten one and not purged it was so hard to comprehend afterwards that I wanted to just bolt out of the room screaming. Of coarse I didn't do that… I cried instead. IOP has been super helpful and everything, but oh my goodness it is hard! SO SO HARD. I have cried on the drive there almost every day now because I get so scared of what they're going to serve us or what's going to be brought up and processed… I just get nervous and extremely anxious. I am glad though that I get to be in the program and that I am going despite ED constantly telling me to just call in sick or something… I am working hard! I won't give up. I just need some kicks in then butt to really challenge myself in some certain areas. That's all :)