Well it's almost 2012!

I'm planning on partying all night long XD lol

Anyway. My room mate left this week and so I got a new one :/ She's kind of triggering cause she says really bad stuff…. but I just have to ignore her.

The holidays went ok. I went home Christmas Eve and got a lot of nice gifts <3

We had an outing yesterday and I had a terrible panic attack while at the restaurant. The waitress asked if they had done something to upset me and one of the EDTs was just like "It's all good, we got this".

UGH. I hate how I cry in public.

Merry Christmas Eve!

This week was pretty interesting.

Last night I found a bed bug on me...

Anyway. I got a meal plan increase and I have to start restoring weight :( I am not happy with it AT ALL. I know I had to do it last time I was here, but this time it just seems so much harder :'( I cried for a bit after being told.

I am just so terrified to gain weight. I knew I would have to, but omg… I'm just not liking this…

I get to go home on pass today to spend Christmas Eve with the familia :D I get to open muh gifts XD woo! Fun Fun!

I am nervous to have dinner with my family :/ Dinner is always hard.

BUT GUESS WHAT?!

I HAVE BEEN SYMPTOM FREE FOR 11 DAYS.

Just sayin' :D haha! It's hard to be proud but I am learning to accept that life is and will be better w/o symptoms. It's been hard to refrain…. super hard…. but I've been doing good. So I knew you all would be proud of that :)

Well, that's all I got for now.

Love you all! xxxx

Today was

full of emotions.

I got a meal plan increase and I will be starting desserts this week :'( I'm freaking out about that. I had a breakdown right before dinner, which kind of felt good. Sometimes it's just good to cry.

I also discovered I have not yet gained any weight. That pleases ED A LOT. So I'm struggling with those thoughts :/

I get to go home Christmas Eve on pass :) So I'm happy about that. But Christmas day I'll be here at the house. But we have fun stuff we're gonna do :) So it's all good.

It does feel weird though to be in treatment at Christmas time…. but like I tell everyone, I will have plenty more Christmas's in my life. This isn't the last one!

Well, there's not much more to say other than I'm really having a hard time. But I'm off to bed now!

The past couple days

Have been rough :/ Lot's of crying and emotional breakdowns. It's just at every meal, I get so terrified and scared I shake while I try to eat. Thankfully my table helps and get's me engaged in conversation as much as possible, which is SUPER hard for me, but I'm getting some what better.

Last night at dinner we talked about Titanic :) So OBVIOUSLY that helped ;) lol

Well, I can't update too much now, we have breakfast :/ I hope it all goes well. Ugh. I feel like I've gained so much in just 3 days.

Anyway, sorry this update sucked. I'll write more later <3

It's night time...

And I'm chillin on the couch watching Troop Beverly Hills.

Today was a tough day... I cried a lot. It was pretty stressful. But it felt good to get out my emotions.

Thankfully, my friend is sending me bible verses each day to help me through :) it's so nice. I love her! I love all of you who support and help me <3 I truly love you all! I will keep fighting and doing my best!

It's

20 minutes until breakfast.

I just got weighed and all that fun jazz and I gotta tell ya… I wanna bolt out the door. I am shaky and feel sick. I feel pain all over. I'm having anxiety attacks and just these terrible breakdowns.

I want my mommy.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up every 30 minutes. It was ridiculous. And one of the EDTS is just looking at me and not even saying hi. It's SO FREAKIN' AWKWARD. I smiled at her and waved because I KNOW HER and she's just like "bleggh" like, dude… who could forget this face?

Anyway. Today I have a busy day. I have attachment group, mindfulness, DBT, therapy, all this fun jazz. I need therapy badly, I can tell ya that. I have a lot I need to get out. And I know my therapist from last time so it's all ok. I like her and I feel comfortable with her.

Tomorrow we have no programming in the morning and we get to go out on an outing :D Coffee shop and paint a plate :) They're having some cleaning done in the house so we all have to be gone for a few hours.

Anyway. I don't have to much to say. Just that I'm upset and I'm scared.

Back at the old

Anna Westin House.

I am sitting on my bed that I slept in the last time I was here.

Anyway. Staff welcomed me back and everything is ok. I did have my breakdown at dinner, ugh. And I am trying to calm down now. Dinner was the first real meal I've had in weeks and thank God they started me on half portions.

But dude, I wanna run out the door and go home. I regret this. I feel like I'm just gonna gain and gain and gain… UGH. IDK. This is just frustrating.

Anyway. Not too much has happened.

Bye.

Well look who's back!

Life is pretty confusing at the moment….. So, first I'm told I am not allowed to go in to programs for a while since my team feels like I'm in a rough place, which I am, and so they decided I should just hang out in outpatient. So, this was frustrating to hear for KELLY and awesome to hear for ED.

Anyway. I'm chillin' Friday afternoon when my therapist calls and tells me there's an immediate opening at the house and wants me to go….

So I thought about it…..

And I told her I'd do it, despite how I felt kinda thrown around and being told something different every week (gash everything has been so CONFUSING). So I called the admit person for the house and told her my therapist called yadeyada and that I was confused. I had to leave it in a message of coarse because she was out of the office that day -_____- ugh. So all weekend my nerves have been going nuts and I'm so scared to hear from her. I know it'll prob be tomorrow and I hope it is since I can't stand this anymore! I just want something to happen! I feel like I just wait and wait….

Well, I'm just glad they are allowing me to go back. It prob will be short stay since I don't think they really want me there. That's the vibe I was getting :/ Like, I left for 6 months, and now I'm going back…. they'll prob gimme like 30 days and then kick me out. Ugh. I'm sure I'll go in with a set discharge date, which will help, but also stress me out. I do HORRIBLE on time limits. But I need to kick some butt and do this!

I just wish I could go back for at least 2 months so I can really go deep. I know last time I had 5 months to do that, and I didn't use it to my full advantage… but I wasn't even fully sure I wanted to recover.

I KNOW I WANT TO RECOVER. I DO I DO I DO. I don't want my mom crying when she looks at me. I don't want friends looking at me weird (I see when you guys look….). I feel like everyone's watching me and just…. I don't know…. it's awkward.

Anyway. If anyone DOES read this, please pray for me. I need it badly. Danke!

Today Started Off

kind of in a bad place.

I was getting dressed and was putting on a button up blouse. When I went to ask my mom how I looked she just stared at me…. for like a minute straight. And I asked her what was wrong and she just turned away. I asked again and this time she was crying and just said "You look startlingly thin."

First, a smile wanted to appear, but then I felt this pain of overwhelming guilt and shame. I didn't even know what to do or say and so I just walked away….

Now I'm dealing with ED throwing a party in my head and Kelly sitting here just feeling like CRAP.

UGH.

I survived

Thanksgiving!

I had no purging what so ever! It was hard as heck! But I did it! And it feels weird 0__o It's hard to feel proud of myself, but I do feel somewhat proud.... I mean, heck, I had to sit with TOTAL discomfort and millions of thoughts going through my head. It was torture, but I did my best to engage in conversation. I think I did ok. I was pretty lost during the actual meal though. I was in my head and don't really remember anything that was said :/ But I did better during dessert :) My friend came over and she helped keep me grounded. That helped A LOT. We even did Black Friday shopping :D

I'm just glad this holiday is over... now it's time to prepare for Christmas.... I need lots of prayer surrounding that. I'm nervous and scared, but I'm going to try my hardest to be as symptom free as possible!

Thanks to everyone who did call or text me on Thanksgiving for support and words of comfort. It meant the WORLD to me <3 I love you all! xo

oh my glob....

Thanksgiving is just days away and I am LITERALLY freaking out.

I don't even know what I am going to do... a whole day surrounded by food and people... it's making my eating disorder scared out of it's mind. All it wants to do is eat as much as I can, and then use symptoms... which is NOT a good thing to do since family will be everywhere and watching me to make sure I DON'T do that. Which is frustrating since I don't want food police everywhere, but I also don't want to be binging and purging all day.

IDK what to do. I talked a bit to my mom last night on how she can support me and help me through this, but my eating disorder is so sneaky and vicious... it always finds a way to get away with symptom use.

And it's not just thanksgiving I'm freaking out about. I mean, my family is coming day and we're going out places all day long which means EATING AT RESTAURANTS 0___O which is one of the SCARIEST things in the world to me.

I hate how the Holidays, which should be fun and enjoyable, have to be so stressful for me :( I just want to enjoy people's company and the food that is going to be around... but I just can't. It's just impossible.

UGH. I hate that I was cursed with this illness. It really is taking my life away from me. I've become nothing.

How do you

eat normally?

When I am out and about, I look around and I just see people eating and laughing... they don't even give a second thought to what they're eating....

I want to do that. I want to wake up and eat breakfast without label checking, making sure it's under a certain amount of calories.... I just want to eat! I hate how I feel I need to starve all day in order to feel better about myself and then if I, GOD FORBID eat anything, I need to purge.

I just thought a lot about it today. I'm just getting frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED. I can now see how abnormal I am around food. I am WEIRD. I would hate to be with me in public when there's food around.

And recently, I have put A LOT of thought in to Thanksgiving 0___o Oh my gosh am I scared.... scared out of my mind. I am praying to God is goes well.

See, another thing. Another thing I can't just ENJOY. I have to plan days in advance of how I'm going to AVOID food, eat the least, how I'm gonna use symptoms.... you'd think being in recovery this would be SO much easier :'/ Ugh. I know it takes time.... I'm just getting inpatient :'(

Sorry, I just REALLY needed to get that out.

I Can't Help But Think...

that I did something terribly wrong to deserve all of this. It feels sort of like punishment. This whole eating disorder feels like punishment. As if I did something SO BAD that the world threw this disorder at me for torture.

I just can't figure out why and how this all happened. It's confusing and annoying! I wish there was just some way to fix this and make everything better.

And it just makes it all the worse with what happened this week. This whole week has been like a scene from a stupid soap opera. I feel like this is all some sort of joke and one of these says someone will pop out and be like "SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" and tell me this whole situation is a J-O-K-E.

Apparently the plan, well, from what I heard so far, is that I will do a mindfulness based IOP (intensive out patient) program :/ Hardly seems like enough but hey, I'm done arguing. I'm done trying to get to where I feel I need to be. Apparently since I'm the disordered one I can't make decisions for myself.... so I just need to listen to the 'experts' and let them toss me where they want.

I just find it hard to put my trust in them right now. After how it feels like they se out a trap and waited for me to fall in to it! JEEZ.

Well, I'm just going to to surrender and let them take charge.

I've run out of energy.

These days have been a real drag....

Well, I'm no longer in IDP and I am no longer going to the house.

It's a long story, but basically this is how my entire day went today:

Howdy

I feel so disconnected lately with everyone in my group... :/

I notice after we finnish a meal and I go to check in, I really don't know or have anything to say. I purposely disconnect from the food while I eat because to my ED it's a sin to eat and to enjoy the food.... so the only way to get through it is to ignore it and eat mechanically.....

It's gotten frustrating, I must say. I hate the feeling. I used to check in so deeply with my thoughts and feelings and now I'm just this zombie who eats and doesn't feel emotions or anything!

I WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONS!

I think I just get too scared. And half the time the things I wanna say are totally not appropriate because it'll prob. trigger the other girls in group and I don't wanna do that. And it sucks because I don't get to see my individual therapist until December! 0___o Like, how am I supposed to go on that long?! I will have a therapist while in the house, but it's a short stay, so what on earth will I be able to get deep in to?

I just feel lost. I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do after the House and where I'm gonna go and what school is gonna look like... !@#$%# SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I miss those 5 months in the house the first time where all I needed to worry about was recovery and forget the outside world for a bit and work on myself. I now feel like I need to just accept that I have an eating disorder, which fully runs my life, and go to school and add on that stress. Which is dangerous since my purging is how I deal with my stress! And so is restriction. UGH. IT FEELS LIKE A NO WIN SITUATION.

I know, and have known, that one day I'd need to go back in to the world and face it head on... it's just, it's hard when your ED is so dang loud and all you wanna do is scream and cry! Honestly, I want to lay on the floor and cry! I want to punch walls! KICK SHINS! I feel so stressed. I just wish that eating disorders could be fixed asap so people can continue their lives. I just don't want to have a repeat of my first semester of college last year where all I did was use symptoms! I failed all my classes cause of it! UGH.

Well, I will figure this out. I will. It will all work out in God's plans. Yes.

What is going down....

Ok, so I had my case management last Thursday and I was told I'd be going back to the Anna Westin House for about 4 weeks (symptom interruption) and then I'd leave and do some DBT (dialectal Behavioral Therapy) coarses...

I'm a little nervous to know my stay this time won't be as long... Although, I wouldn't want to stay for 5 months again (whOaoaoaOAoa....) but yeah. It'll be a fast little stay, which to me sounded stupid, but my team says it's a good idea :/ I just need to trust them I guess.... which is something I really struggle with.

I just want ED to GO. AWAY.

I'm just nervous as to when I'll be in the house again. I met with the intake person 1 week ago and she said the wait was about 2 weeks... I highly doubt I'll be in there by Thanksgiving.... I'm sure it'll be after.

WHICH I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FOR THANKSGIVING. Ugh. Talk about stress and your ED getting louder... UGH. This is going to be hard this year since everyone (besides my parents) know what I'm dealing with :/ Lots of eyes will probably be on me. Well, whatever... that's life. That's recovery.

That's all for now. I'll try to be more good with updating. I don't even know if people read this anymore 0___o

FAIL.

Decisions...

So, they asked if I wanted to stay in IDP while waiting for an opening for the house or leave and take a break from IDP while waiting for an opening for the house.....

uhhh.....

ummmm......

I can't decide. Part of me wants to, and part of me doesn't. I know I'd use that time to fully engage in symptoms and idk how that would work out too well :/ ..... So, IDK. I'll prob. stay, just to keep some structure and help me ALONG recovery.

Oy. This is just.... my mind is in all different spots. But I KNOW I want recovery. I do I do I do!!!!!

I suck at blogging

I forgot about this blog... whoops.

There's not much to say, really. Just been back in IDP doing the usual.... eating, talking about feeling, setting goals.... which for me has gone somewhat well. I was able to give up my scale last month. Just leave out the part where I cried.... and when I found another scale :/ But hey! That doesn't take away from the fact that I DID at one point in time out my eating disorder by giving it up.

I've been in a rut the last few weeks and some suggestion were made for me in my treatment.... I'm stuck and confused with them. My case manager thought I should think about possibly going back to inpatient and I broke down when she told me. I a few weeks ago had suggested it after really seeing myself and how I was doing.... but when they said it to me I just died inside. A huge chunk is because I'm too ashamed and scared to go back. I have millions of assumptions that staff won't want me back :/ I wouldn't want me back.... I was a b*tch. My eating disorder messes me up.

I'm just afraid they'll be like "Get out"

So I just need to find out if insurance will even cover it again and if they will let me back in. AND I need to decide if I'm willing to go back.... right now ED is telling me not to. I wanna listen to him, God only knows.... but I need to do what's best for me. I can't live life with an Eating Disorder...

There is NO life with one....

I just need a lot of prayer!!!!

Well look who's back!

LOOK WHO'S BAAAACK!

Yes... yes... here I am.

Well it has been like FOREVER since I last posted.... uhhh...... yeah.

ANYWHO. Finished IDP at the house a few weeks ago and am now back at IDP in the offices down the streeeet from the house.

So far things SUCK. I hate going every day. I always sit there wanting to jump out the window. I honestly don't feel like I belong there. I'm too engrossed in my ED and I don't feel like I can do this all right now.

I mean, symptom use has been really bad, and the thoughts in my head have been going out of control. I keep trying to do things to distract myself but it seems nothing works. It all comes right back down to ED and what can I do to avoid eating or what not.

I feel hopeless.

I'm going to keep trying IDP and all and see how it goes. Hopefully things will get better. I know IOP is not where I need to be since I know I need the more support right now... maybe down the road IOP will work. If not, I think I'm just going to try and fix this myself.

I don't know how much more I can take of my life wasting away. I hate watching everyone in my life moving on and being so awesome and fantastic while I dwindle away with my ED... it's sad and pathetic.

Everyone is getting frustrated with me and I can't blame 'em. Heck, I'm frustrated with myself.

Ending to a New Beginning.

The doors are opening to change....

So, the 4th of July I discharge from the Anna Westin House after five long months of living here.

I am full of mixed emotions. I'm scared, unsure, nervous, excited, pestimistic.... just a lot of things.

I'm going to try my hardest to keep working towards my recovery. I will be doing IDP(Intensive Day Program) at the house for a month which is basically I'm here all day I just don't sleep here. Which is weird 0__o I'm not feeling ready to go home at all, but I'm giving it a try. My therapist told me it's like a test run. And if things continue to look down, I can always come back. Which we don't want, but if it's what is needed then it's what's gotta happen. But I'm going to work my hardest to fight ED!

Just keep me in your prayers! I'm hoping everything goes well. I know symptom use will still be there, but I wanna work hard at decreasing it. I don't wanna purge 15 times a day anymore. I don't wanna deprive myself and intoxicate my body with pills. I don't want to exercise for 4 hours... I need to STOP all of this. So please continue to be my support! I love you all!

Come at me bro.

ED is pissing me off right now. He is just filling my head with TERRIBLE thoughts. Like, excessively today. I have looked in the mirror over 50 times and each time I saw like a baby bump. I 'AINT PREGGO. So that is fattooo.

I'm pissed. And the thing is.... ED is all like "You know you need me. You won't survive without me." and I just go....

And I try to argue with him but then I end up just staring in the mirror feeling defeated and completely lame. UGH.

Why do I feel like I just can't win this battle? ED is like.... my boyfriend. I love him. I don't want to break up with him but then again the relationship is unhealthy and so I know I NEED to breakup with him but I can't 'cuz i LOVE HIM.

WTF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS ALL HAPPENED TO ME.

Not okay.

So... yesterday ended on a HORRIBLE note. I found out my weight and cried for three straight hours. I'm not exaggerating. I was devastated.

I just burst in to tears right there to my dietician and was like so mad. The number is HUGE. It's scary, terrifying, and just not what I want to be at. I mean, I was at a low weight and they said it was healthy and they'd stabilize me there... and now, now they just are plumping me up. My dietician told me m body is just trying to find it's good point at where it needs to be.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU, I WAS MUCH LOWER IN WEIGHT BEFORE AND I WAS FINE. I was getting my monthly gift.... I was fine.

I guess this all sounds stupid since I'm in recovery and here I am complaining about gaining... I know it's what was going to happen... I mean, I came here underweight and crap... but I didn't expect to gain THIS MUCH. It just seems ridiculous and unfair to me.

I've done my research, and as long as my BMI is in the range of 18.5 or 24 I'm fine! I was a 20.1 BMI and now I'm 21.4

I'm sorry... but that is just TOO HIGH.

I ended up packing my suitcase yesterday and later when my mom called me I said I wanted to come home but she said NO. I was PISSED.

Honestly, this is all just... UGH. I thought I could do this. I really did. But now I feel as if I NEED my eating disorder to be happy. W/o it I'm miserable. My ED has been my companion since I was twelve.... I can't just throw it away! I know I have to and need to and that I want to, but there's the tiny bit of me that just wants to hold on. To NEVER LET GO.

I don't feel like Kelly w/o it. W/o it... I just feel... lonely.

Now don't go thinking that I'm GIVING UP.... I'm not. I'm still here... at the house.... going to every meal.... so I'm not giving up. I'm just feeling low.

EATING DISORDERS SUCKS.

Meeepz.

That's only a bit dramatic to describe how I feel today.... I feel somewhat this way.

Anyway. Today is a new day. It kind of started off rough. I hate having coffee cake for breakfast. Anything sweet or cakey like in the morning seems like a dessert. It just upsets me. I ended up not eating all of it... We all here were pretty upset.

Anyway. I'm going to work on trying to update here more. Sorry if not all my posts are exactly unicorns sliding down rainbows with skittles and giggles.... But I will try to post more positive. It's just hard to. I've just been really deep in my eating disorder lately and symptom use has been high

I spent a good time venting to an EDT last night and then going upstairs to draw. So that helped. I also ripped up some tissues with a friend, lol! That was very therapeutic.

Today I'm working on yelling comebacks to ED every time he puts a negative thought in to my head. Obviously it didn't work too well at breakfast... but I still have lunch, pm snack, dinner, and hs snack to try. I always keep my journal at the table so I can write it down. It works a little, but it's still so hard to fully grasp and accept the words I say in return. I also need to work on my body checking I really need to AVOID mirrors....

You have no idea how frustrating it is to look in the mirror and throughout the day watch yourself get bigger and bigger... I know it's not physically happening, but at the same time I feel it is. IT'S SO CONFUSING. I changed like 5 times today already because I feel uncomfortable in everything I wear. I HATE IT.

I feel like because I'm this way, no one will want to be my friend.... or like, I'll never have a boyfriend. I know this all random crap to even think about, but it's honestly how I feel.....

Well, that's all I got.

byeeee!

hahaha...

oh, hai.

Yeah... I haven't updated in forever.... Some people asked about that.... sorry.

Umm.... what to say....

Well, it's my 4th month here at the house.... I no longer have a BFF... I've switched rooms 4 times and have had 6 different room mates.... yep-ahhh. I guess I wasn't updating 'cuz I've been in a huge funk and just for real wasn't feeling so motivated to work on recovery... everyone I came in to here discharged and so I'm the person whose been here the longest out of everyone and I feel weird about it....

It's hard because eveeeeeryone here who was my friend is NOW GONE. I mean, there are new ppl here who I have become close to, but I mean.. there were two ppl in particular who I NEED who are now gone X(

Anyway. I don't have anything too AMAZING to say besides "Oh, hey! I haven't had any meal plan increases!" *partaayy*

Ok. This is pointless. Bye.

Tangled Tuesday

So.... juuuustt so everyone knooowss.......

TANGLED COMES OUT ON DVD TODAY.

It's kind of a BIG deal.

I'm twirling like Rapunzel with joy XD

Anyway. Sorry I didn't update for a while. The past weeks have been SUPER HARD. I was going through a lot of depression and kind of isolating myself. I had no motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. I get that a lot. I'm so annoyed with myself. My Eating Disorder is so loud in my head and I can't get it to shut up.

I had my weekend pass taken away last weekend because I had used symptoms and got caught. Also, I had a panic attack in the bathroom during dinner last week and because of it I wasn't allowed to go to Target (we go every Tuesday) and I was SO ANGRY. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to control a panic attack? I replaced my dinner with a Boost... it's not like I skipped and didn't replace.

UGH. Just makes me mad. The rules kind of suck here....

But the weekend was okay. Saturday I got in arguments with the staff and I ended up in my room just giving them the silent treatment (so mature, right?). I had another panic attack at lunch that day and ended up crying. Ugh. Then later that night I got in trouble for doing a physical activity with the Wii and I ended up crying. WTF? I'm so emotional.

Sunday I went home for 4 hours, and I got to see Kiwi! <33333 IT WAS AMAZING. She was purring and I was just smiling :D IT WAS SO WONDERFUL.

Anyway.. I have to go to snack so this all the update I have for now.

Thanks again to those who write letters to me! I will respond someday! I PROMISE. I just am so busy here.... I'm sorry :'(

Meeep.

I've been on bed rest all day. I have a terrible fever and keep having horrible cold sweats. I am so miserable.

So I was pulled out of programming all day today. I'm feeling some what better, but still have a head ache and crap.

They say it's prob. a bug or my body just going through the changes of my eating disorder :(

Two days ago we had quite the scare. I had a terrible pain in my heart and I couldn't walk or breathe for a few minutes. But I'm ok. I'm alive.

Anyway. I had a tough weekend. I got caught using symptoms and got my weekend pass taken away. I cried. I hate myself and how I always give in to ED.

Why can't ED just go away? I feel like this is all so hopeless. I know God is going to heal me, but I feel so far from ever being normal again.

I just want my mommy and daddy right now :'(

HOLY FUDGE MONKEY CRACKERS

Ok. So I'm pissed off.

So yesterday I was told my weight dropped rapidly and so they increased my meal plan.

I cried for a full hour.

Then today I was told my weight dropped rapidly even MORE, so now my meal plan is increased even MORE.

I looked at them like this:

And then I basically burst in to tears like this:

And then I basically did this:

I'm so angry and upset. Well, ED is... Kelly is just so confused on what the heck she wants. I want recovery, but I also want the comfort of my eating disorder. It's SO HARD to let go. It's been my coping mechanism for 8 years

But I'm working at my best effort to conquer this illness. One step at a time.

So I moved to a Level 1

Which means I have to have my door open ALL THE TIME. When I pee, shower, sleep, anytime. I HATE IT.

I'm really struggling with self image today (what else is new? pfffft.) But I have a snack in 17 minutes and I don't wanna go. UGH. After that I have Body Esteem group. I like that group.

I also get to see my 'rents tonight :D And some of my friends are coming to visit me this weekend!

OOHH!! And one of EDT's (Eating Disorder Technicians) planned a Beatlemania weekend for just us two XD We're gonna watch Help!

And just jam to the fab four XD WOO HOOO! :) BEST.THING.EVER. I'm excited. My depression has been real bad and so this will lift me up (=

Also we had a lunch outing yesterday and I ended up panicking in the restaurant and sobbing. I just freak out at restaurants... it was so emberassing... people were giving me weird looks like this:

whateva. I lived. So... that's good. I'm praying today keeps going good! :D

And once again, thanks for the mail! I will try to get back to everyone REALLY SOON. I hardly ever have time to myself. UGH. But just always know that I appreciate it all so muuuuuch!

ALRIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

HERE I AM. Sorry. I have been busy and wasn't updating.

The past week was hard. LOTS OF SYMPTOM USE.

But I'm working on it. It's just hard and confusing. Breaking old habits you've had for nine years is no easy task my friends. But I bet you already know that.

I bet you also know that "I See The Light" from Tangled didn't win at the Oscars last night and so I'm pretty visceral and ornery....

This was my face when I found out.

This is how I reacted.

Anyway. None of that had ANYTHING to do with my recovery. Lol. But it needed to be said.

I guess all that's really been going on here is I have been going through some deep depression and just feeling of self worthlessness.

I have started doing devotions with a book I bought called "Beautiful in God's Eyes". So far it's helpful.... but right now I'm feeling some distance from God. I'm kind of angry with him. I still pray to him and everything.... I'm just upset with him.

I don't want to go in to detail about the past few days since they're just something you don't share. But just keep praying for me :)

I love the letters I receive! They really help me! So thank you everyone (=

Funny Day.

So this morning after breakfast we had Process Group (where we just talk about what's on our minds and offer each other support) and I mentioned how I was upset that I didn't put Nutella on my bread this morning since it's one of my fave foods but one of my biggest fear foods.

I get to snack and what do I see?

someone put a Nutella bottle on my place mat

I LAUGHED SO HARD.

Anywho. That made my day.

Later on, after another one of my groups I came up to my room and saw outside my window this car that was stuck on the middle of the road from the snow and I was laughing and one of the EDTs (Eating Disorder Technicians-my fave one btw) walked my room and walked in like "WTF ARE YOU ON?!" And I just pointed out the window and for literally 15 minutes we just laughed.

DON'T WORRY THOUGH! People helped the car. In fact, one of the people looked like Dhani Harrison XD So that made me pretty happy.

Well, my joy isn't going to last too long since lunch is in 12 minutes -__- UGH. But then I get acupuncture which I am nervous about since I've never had it done before O_o We'll seeeee what happens.

Well! That's all for today so far. No symptom use today! :) I'mma try to keep it that way!

Keep praying for me! xoxox love all of you! Thank you for the support!

Hard Two Days.

Last night I was caught purging my dinner.

I didn't get in trouble. They just let me cry and they hugged me and let me calm down and then they had to make me drink a boost

I did not like that. But I had a good support group. My friend was still there and so she just hugged me for literally 45 minutes while I just sobbed.

Today, same incident. But this time, I purged lunch. I was walking in to the art room when my room mate noticed my nose was runny and my eyes were red (something that gives away you've purged. BIG WHOOP.) and she asked if I was okay and I lied but dang, she was like "Kelly, you can't like to me. What happened?"

I toooolllddd hhheeerrr.

She just hugged me and told me that it would be best for me to confess to it. So I did. I once again had to have a boost to replace to stupid meal. Ugh.

This place is intense. And my symptom use is just crying out to me. I just want so bad to use symptoms! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

UGH UGH UGH.