I Can't Help But Think...

that I did something terribly wrong to deserve all of this. It feels sort of like punishment. This whole eating disorder feels like punishment. As if I did something SO BAD that the world threw this disorder at me for torture.

I just can't figure out why and how this all happened. It's confusing and annoying! I wish there was just some way to fix this and make everything better.

And it just makes it all the worse with what happened this week. This whole week has been like a scene from a stupid soap opera. I feel like this is all some sort of joke and one of these says someone will pop out and be like "SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" and tell me this whole situation is a J-O-K-E.

Apparently the plan, well, from what I heard so far, is that I will do a mindfulness based IOP (intensive out patient) program :/ Hardly seems like enough but hey, I'm done arguing. I'm done trying to get to where I feel I need to be. Apparently since I'm the disordered one I can't make decisions for myself.... so I just need to listen to the 'experts' and let them toss me where they want.

I just find it hard to put my trust in them right now. After how it feels like they se out a trap and waited for me to fall in to it! JEEZ.

Well, I'm just going to to surrender and let them take charge.

I've run out of energy.