Not okay.

So... yesterday ended on a HORRIBLE note. I found out my weight and cried for three straight hours. I'm not exaggerating. I was devastated.

I just burst in to tears right there to my dietician and was like so mad. The number is HUGE. It's scary, terrifying, and just not what I want to be at. I mean, I was at a low weight and they said it was healthy and they'd stabilize me there... and now, now they just are plumping me up. My dietician told me m body is just trying to find it's good point at where it needs to be.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU, I WAS MUCH LOWER IN WEIGHT BEFORE AND I WAS FINE. I was getting my monthly gift.... I was fine.

I guess this all sounds stupid since I'm in recovery and here I am complaining about gaining... I know it's what was going to happen... I mean, I came here underweight and crap... but I didn't expect to gain THIS MUCH. It just seems ridiculous and unfair to me.

I've done my research, and as long as my BMI is in the range of 18.5 or 24 I'm fine! I was a 20.1 BMI and now I'm 21.4

I'm sorry... but that is just TOO HIGH.

I ended up packing my suitcase yesterday and later when my mom called me I said I wanted to come home but she said NO. I was PISSED.

Honestly, this is all just... UGH. I thought I could do this. I really did. But now I feel as if I NEED my eating disorder to be happy. W/o it I'm miserable. My ED has been my companion since I was twelve.... I can't just throw it away! I know I have to and need to and that I want to, but there's the tiny bit of me that just wants to hold on. To NEVER LET GO.

I don't feel like Kelly w/o it. W/o it... I just feel... lonely.

Now don't go thinking that I'm GIVING UP.... I'm not. I'm still here... at the house.... going to every meal.... so I'm not giving up. I'm just feeling low.

EATING DISORDERS SUCKS.