CONTROL.

Today I felt like I needed FULL CONTROL OF EVERYTHING I CONSUMED. Well, that's everyday.... but today I felt it more since this whole week has been over taken by eating BUTT LOADS.

My Dad and I went to Mall Of America and he made me eat lunch. I got a small salad which was nice. I was scared though because I was starting to get hunger cues back. Later on he wanted to get frozen yogurt and I was just too scared and so we shared it. I was kind of upset afterwards, since I felt like I had ruined my entire day.

No. That wasn't until I got home.

I went upstairs and looked through my mail I got gotten today (I got a lot! lol) and then went downstairs to get a drink. My Dad had taken out the plate of sushi I made last night and was eating it. I stared at it. WANTING IT SO BADLY. I told my Mom "Hey, I want some sushi, but I feel like I won't be able to stop (I don't get full.... one of the problems with being bulimic...). She told me to take a few and just enjoy it. To yell at ED And tell him to eff off. I tried, but after three pieces I felt the urge to keep going and going... thankfully she stopped me.

I hate the feeling of not being able to enjoy food because I over eat it. I don't know when to stop. My body is so screwed up. I hate how I did this to myself. I wish I could reverse time and change all of this.

I know today I've been bad. I haven't had even close to 500 calories. In a way, that feels like such an achievement. Of coarse that's ED. The Kelly in me is telling me I need more because I really haven't been getting my self the correct caloric intake. I'm just SO SCARED. After seeing my weight go up in just 5 days.... I am so scared. I cried this morning. I didn't want to leave my room. I felt like I didn't deserve to go to the mall and buy clothes. I felt too large and like a failure. ED was telling me I can only get new clothes when I'm thinner.

When will that be?

In reality, never....

I hate this. Not having IDP for 2 days is really screwing me up. The house is gonna help but also drive me nuts since I won't be able to restrict, exercise or purge... which scares me. I have cried so much thinking about that.

and today my mom interrogated me asking if I had more pills. I HONESTLY DON'T. As temping as it is, I wanna go out right now and get more.... but I've already been told I've messed up myself from the laxatives.

Overall, today was hard. Just plain out hard.