So, I know I posted earlier and talked about IDP.... but now I just really need to express how I feel at this very moment... I am so upset with myself. I stuck to my meal plan tonight and had my veggie burger. I didn't feel full which made me happy since I HATE that feeling... but, of coarse, ED was telling me how weak I was for eating dinner. Like, I've eaten so much this week due to being in IDP and it's just so overwhelming....
Anyway. ED told me I had to binge. That I would only feel better if I did. So I did. I ate an over abundance of Triscuits and sushi I made. I almost tried to sneak some girl scout cookies upstairs to hide, but I stopped myself. I tasered ED in the arse and said "Enough is enough for tonight."
Yes. I have a taser.
One of the IDP staff, metaphorically, gave me a taser today because she said after yesterday when I handed over my laxatives and diet pills, she saw so much confidence in me. I honestly didn't feel confidence. I was in tears when I confessed to having them. But when she said that to me, I felt a small ounce of hope. I don't know... I mean, I, Kelly, was glad I handed over the pills, but ED was so furious. I went home and I punished myself by binging and purging. It was just terrible.
I'm just getting so angry with myself and how recovery is going so far. I feel hopeless and so weak. I can't get myself to believe that I am going to be healed. This feels everlasting.
I was talking to one of m IDP therapists yesterday about how angry I am with God right now. I mean, I know he's with me. I KNOW THAT. But I feel angry that he let this all go on for SO LONG. I mean.... come on. I haven't eaten normally since I was 12 years old.
I feel like such a disgusting pig right now... I ate so much and my mom wanted me to watch TV and see this documentary about this Olympic Athlete who suffered anorexia, hoping it help motivate me.... all I could think about the ENTIRE time was how jealous I was of how thin she was. And seeing her ride her bike... I wanted to run upstairs, get my shoes, and go for a run around the world with Forest Gump. I feel so bloated and gross. And the strange part is, I want to go eat more.
WTF, ED? LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'm totally with the lady from IDP I see confidence in you too because you know that you want to get better and you're trying with all you've got. Truly, you inspire me. I'm so proud of you for taking the small steps because really, that's what counts. Taser that ED sucker in the butt!
ReplyDeletebtw, I understand the whole "being angry at God" thing. I used to feel like that. But then I realized that even if he did just take it away from me I'd just have new problems. I had to learn to cope with it before I could really let him back in. I know it probably sounds oxymoronic,but that was my experience.
--Love Anna