Goodbye Home...

Just had my last breakfast at home for a while. I made some of my fear foods...

• 2 Blueberry Waffles with syrup
• 1 pc. of Toast with peanut butter

Doesn't seem like a lot to you.... but me I feel like I ate enough to feed an army.

I'm more anxious now because I looked at the calorie contents on everything and they were either in the 100 cal range or 200 cal range. But I had to have me fat, proteins, all that crap, in order to stick with my dumb meal plan. I had my stupid glass of vanilla soy milk too, which I think is a total waste of calories. UGH.

I weighed myself this morning and had gained 2 lbs from yesterday

I hate myself letting me go out to dinner and indulge like that. I was stupid to do it. I didn't deserve it...

Anyway. Everything is packed and I'm just sitting here watching the clock tick down until I am put into PRISON for 3 or more months.

Just the fact that I gained weight from yesterday is making me so ornery and visceral and I just wanna punch something. I tried purging my breakfast, but my chest was hurting so I stopped. Now my stomach is just hurting.

I really am feeling like I can't do this. I can't let go. I don't know how to live my life without checking labels, exercising, binging/purging.... I don't know HOW TO LIVE NORMALLY.

Will this place help me? That's my one thought I keep having. Will. It. Help. Me? What if things never change? What if I try and try and try but things just don't work out? I'm screwed.

Look, I know I need to be positive and crap, but you try doing this. This feels like I am giving up my pacifier. I'm giving them the one thing that brought me so much comfort for years. I'm giving them a part of me. A HALF OF ME. Half of me is being taken away. A half that I have had since I was 12 years old.

I am scared to death.