It Begins Tomorrow

Well. I move in tomorrow.

1:00

I am so nervous, upset, anxious.... but mostly angry. Because I know this now means NO SCALE, LAXATIVES, DIET PILLS, OR EXERCISE.

I really don't think I can handle that. I just don't.

Today my group wanted me, for my last night home, challenge myself to dinner with a friend.

I did.

We went to Biaggis. I love that place. I got ravioli. I ate it all. I over ate on the bread. I hate myself for that.

Dessert... we got bread pudding.... MY FAVE. I ate so much.

I felt physically ill. Like.. I felt as if my stomach was about to burst.

Anyway. Just now, my mom came in my room, and I went to move my purse so she could sit down on my bed when....

MY LAXATIVES FLEW OUT!

I was just like.....

She took them and threw them down the toilet. I was like dying on the inside. I wanted to push her to the side, grab them, and run out of my house. I am so pissed off. She was all like "How would you have snuck them in?" and I didn't answer. All I know is I was gonna try.

I know that's all against my recovery stuff... but man, I need my laxatives. I NEEED THEM.

It just makes me so mad that I didn't get to purge my dinner. I felt so sick and gross. I wanted to cry. I feel like I gained a billion pounds tonight. I went on my scale and saw I've gone up 3 lbs since this morning 0_____o HOLY GREHTRHDGB.

Anyway. I can bring my laptop and cell phone.... so I will update still. Some people asked that.

I will keep you all up to date on how things go. Right now, I'm just sitting here staring at my suit case wishing I could burn it and walk out of the house and never come back.