Can you even believe I ripped the audio from this, converted it to MP3 and put it on my ipod and listened to it every single morning on the way to school all senior year?
How screwed up is this illness?
Sad part is... I sometimes still listen to it.
It's like watching a video of myself.
It's the EXACT voice that's in my head....
It's a video if exactly how my life has been. How many nights I ventured downstairs and ate everything I could... only to come back to my room and purge in my closet.
How in 7th grade I used to put on so much face powder to look pale and sick that my parent's would excuse me from dinner. How I took food with me to the bus stop only to throw it in the sewer or bury it in the snow.
The days I hid in the bathroom at lunch only to lie to my friends saying I was somewhere else.
How on off campus lunch I would purposely disappear so my friends couldn't find me and go without me. Or how I told them I had no money when really, I stayed and sat in the hall looking through my book of thinspiration pictures I had printed out. Or how I made lists of foods that I would allow....
- Celery
- Carrots
- Lettuce
- Apples
That was all.
How many nights I never slept and crept to the basement to go on the treadmill for five hours....
How I brought bags full of food to school, hid them in my locker, signed a pass out, ate it all, and ran to the bathroom to purge it all. I always missed class. Because for me... thin was more important.
How in my first few months of college, I would go to the vending machine, use almost $10.00 on food, eat it all, purge it, go to class; repeat.
On break how I'd go to Target and buy pills.
Gosh, I wasted so much money.
My life, since seventh grade, has been one long journey through Hell. Although I know God is going to get me through this, I just wish he hadn't let me suffer for so long.
I feel as if my entire life, 12 years old to 19 years old, I have lost so much I can never get back. Just because of some stupid voice in my head.
How I hid all this from people for so freakin' long is beyond me....
I know this needs to end.
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