ALRIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

HERE I AM. Sorry. I have been busy and wasn't updating.

The past week was hard. LOTS OF SYMPTOM USE.

But I'm working on it. It's just hard and confusing. Breaking old habits you've had for nine years is no easy task my friends. But I bet you already know that.

I bet you also know that "I See The Light" from Tangled didn't win at the Oscars last night and so I'm pretty visceral and ornery....

This was my face when I found out.

This is how I reacted.

Anyway. None of that had ANYTHING to do with my recovery. Lol. But it needed to be said.

I guess all that's really been going on here is I have been going through some deep depression and just feeling of self worthlessness.

I have started doing devotions with a book I bought called "Beautiful in God's Eyes". So far it's helpful.... but right now I'm feeling some distance from God. I'm kind of angry with him. I still pray to him and everything.... I'm just upset with him.

I don't want to go in to detail about the past few days since they're just something you don't share. But just keep praying for me :)

I love the letters I receive! They really help me! So thank you everyone (=

Funny Day.

So this morning after breakfast we had Process Group (where we just talk about what's on our minds and offer each other support) and I mentioned how I was upset that I didn't put Nutella on my bread this morning since it's one of my fave foods but one of my biggest fear foods.

I get to snack and what do I see?

someone put a Nutella bottle on my place mat

I LAUGHED SO HARD.

Anywho. That made my day.

Later on, after another one of my groups I came up to my room and saw outside my window this car that was stuck on the middle of the road from the snow and I was laughing and one of the EDTs (Eating Disorder Technicians-my fave one btw) walked my room and walked in like "WTF ARE YOU ON?!" And I just pointed out the window and for literally 15 minutes we just laughed.

DON'T WORRY THOUGH! People helped the car. In fact, one of the people looked like Dhani Harrison XD So that made me pretty happy.

Well, my joy isn't going to last too long since lunch is in 12 minutes -__- UGH. But then I get acupuncture which I am nervous about since I've never had it done before O_o We'll seeeee what happens.

Well! That's all for today so far. No symptom use today! :) I'mma try to keep it that way!

Keep praying for me! xoxox love all of you! Thank you for the support!

Hard Two Days.

Last night I was caught purging my dinner.

I didn't get in trouble. They just let me cry and they hugged me and let me calm down and then they had to make me drink a boost

I did not like that. But I had a good support group. My friend was still there and so she just hugged me for literally 45 minutes while I just sobbed.

Today, same incident. But this time, I purged lunch. I was walking in to the art room when my room mate noticed my nose was runny and my eyes were red (something that gives away you've purged. BIG WHOOP.) and she asked if I was okay and I lied but dang, she was like "Kelly, you can't like to me. What happened?"

I toooolllddd hhheeerrr.

She just hugged me and told me that it would be best for me to confess to it. So I did. I once again had to have a boost to replace to stupid meal. Ugh.

This place is intense. And my symptom use is just crying out to me. I just want so bad to use symptoms! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

UGH UGH UGH.

FRIDAY!

Well, my first full day yesterday was okay. Woke up at 6 am to get my metabolic rate tested. I had to lay on a couch for 10 minutes with a mask over my face. BLEGH. After I had to get my vitals checked and get weighed. I hate it. We have to wear a tank top and shorts for it an it's SO COLD.

Anyway. Breakfast is at 7:30. I'm not too thrilled.

I had a tough dinner last night. I ended up crying and it just sucked.

Good part of today (the best part!) is I get a massage

I'm SUPER STOKED.

And Sat-Sun. I can have visitors ALL DAY. So my friend is coming to see me Saturday

Today is pretty much free sine my music therapist is isn't here for now. she's on vacation.

I really want to take a shower after breakfast, but I have to be with someone at all times X(

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Well, I'mma go.

Temporary Castle!

Some pictures of my room. Not too well. My room mate is in here and she's coloring and I don't wanna disrupt her XD lol

Day One.

So I'm all moved in.

It feel super weird.

My room mate is nice and so that's nice (= She hugged me and that was nice (=

The room is cute and I have my Beatles poster and Titanic poster up. I got my stuff and I feel pretttyyy good. I got my tears all out... soo... that's good.

Dinner was turkey, carrots, and stuffing (wtf?? this isn't Thanksgiving). I felt physically sick afterwards. I was glad they let me skip dessert since it's my first day.

*phew*

Well. I don't have TOO much to say. But I will try and take some pics of my room so ya'll can see :)

Let me know if you wanna visit or send me stuff and I will give you directions, times, my address, all that jazzzzz! :)

Funny!

HAHA! I jut found out that one of my dietitian's I work with at the Emily Program was one of the athletes in the Beijing Olympics 0__0

right here! <--- there she is!

IS THAT NOT THE WEIRDEST THINGS EVER? I think that is SO COOL. And she's super funny! haha! I wonder why she didn't tell us.... lol! Well then... we all have our secrets I guess.

Her's is pretty big. lol! haha! I'm so amused right now.

Goodbye Home...

Just had my last breakfast at home for a while. I made some of my fear foods...

• 2 Blueberry Waffles with syrup
• 1 pc. of Toast with peanut butter

Doesn't seem like a lot to you.... but me I feel like I ate enough to feed an army.

I'm more anxious now because I looked at the calorie contents on everything and they were either in the 100 cal range or 200 cal range. But I had to have me fat, proteins, all that crap, in order to stick with my dumb meal plan. I had my stupid glass of vanilla soy milk too, which I think is a total waste of calories. UGH.

I weighed myself this morning and had gained 2 lbs from yesterday

I hate myself letting me go out to dinner and indulge like that. I was stupid to do it. I didn't deserve it...

Anyway. Everything is packed and I'm just sitting here watching the clock tick down until I am put into PRISON for 3 or more months.

Just the fact that I gained weight from yesterday is making me so ornery and visceral and I just wanna punch something. I tried purging my breakfast, but my chest was hurting so I stopped. Now my stomach is just hurting.

I really am feeling like I can't do this. I can't let go. I don't know how to live my life without checking labels, exercising, binging/purging.... I don't know HOW TO LIVE NORMALLY.

Will this place help me? That's my one thought I keep having. Will. It. Help. Me? What if things never change? What if I try and try and try but things just don't work out? I'm screwed.

Look, I know I need to be positive and crap, but you try doing this. This feels like I am giving up my pacifier. I'm giving them the one thing that brought me so much comfort for years. I'm giving them a part of me. A HALF OF ME. Half of me is being taken away. A half that I have had since I was 12 years old.

I am scared to death.

It Begins Tomorrow

Well. I move in tomorrow.

1:00

I am so nervous, upset, anxious.... but mostly angry. Because I know this now means NO SCALE, LAXATIVES, DIET PILLS, OR EXERCISE.

I really don't think I can handle that. I just don't.

Today my group wanted me, for my last night home, challenge myself to dinner with a friend.

I did.

We went to Biaggis. I love that place. I got ravioli. I ate it all. I over ate on the bread. I hate myself for that.

Dessert... we got bread pudding.... MY FAVE. I ate so much.

I felt physically ill. Like.. I felt as if my stomach was about to burst.

Anyway. Just now, my mom came in my room, and I went to move my purse so she could sit down on my bed when....

MY LAXATIVES FLEW OUT!

I was just like.....

She took them and threw them down the toilet. I was like dying on the inside. I wanted to push her to the side, grab them, and run out of my house. I am so pissed off. She was all like "How would you have snuck them in?" and I didn't answer. All I know is I was gonna try.

I know that's all against my recovery stuff... but man, I need my laxatives. I NEEED THEM.

It just makes me so mad that I didn't get to purge my dinner. I felt so sick and gross. I wanted to cry. I feel like I gained a billion pounds tonight. I went on my scale and saw I've gone up 3 lbs since this morning 0_____o HOLY GREHTRHDGB.

Anyway. I can bring my laptop and cell phone.... so I will update still. Some people asked that.

I will keep you all up to date on how things go. Right now, I'm just sitting here staring at my suit case wishing I could burn it and walk out of the house and never come back.

I Sorreh....

I just wanted to say, after I got feedback from one of my friends who reads this, I'm sorry if it upsets you.

She wasn't rude to me at all, she just said some times it upset her too much and she just couldn't read it.

I understand. I completely do.

I wanna hear what other people have to say. So far, I've only heard from her, and two others who like it.

I don't mean to upset you guys.... I'm just opening up and sharing with you my troubles, my achievements, my goals.... my recovery.

I know I say things on here that may be like "HOLY FOOK, THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH." But, for me, having this blog... it's like such a release. To just get it all out. I feel so good after.

So, I'm sorry if my blog makes you upset. I hope people continue to read it... if not... it's ok. No worrriiieesss!

How I Spent Valentines Day!

I am not in the best of moods. This morning, for the FIRST TIME IN like 8 months, I ate cereal.I was sitting there, staring at it.... I was looking at the nutrition labels and they noticed, so they took me out of the kitchen and picked a cereal for me.

Lucky Charms.

this was my face...

I was like so pissed. I ate half a banana and had some toast with jam. They told me they rather I'd had peanut butter and I was like "Hell No". But they can't complain because I ate everything.

We had yoga today and I was just not in for that... they're all like "become one with your surroundings..." I just did the pose and was like "Wazzup, God?" and had some time with him. I didn't put up with that 'become one with the room' crap.

Right after yoga was lunch! WOO. HOO.

Caesar salads and garlic bread. Not scary sounding at first.... until they show you the model plate.

THE SALADS WERE BIGGER THAN MY HEAD. Not to mention the pieces of chicken on it and we HAD to have dressing and croutons which I always EXEMPT for obvious reasons. So I ate my salad with a long face. And an even longer face when they said "Try eating some salad, some bread, some salad, some bread...." and I was like "I'd rather eat the salad and stare at the bread and hope it disappears!" I hated the bread. When I chewed it, the butter flowed over my chin and I wanted to throw up. I felt like such a slob.

Then came dessert. It's Valentine's Day, right? They have red velvet cake, with white chocolate shavings and raspberries on top. I was not okay with this. There was soooooo much frosting.

Halfway during eating, one of the dietitians noticed I was upset and asked me to express my feelings....

Oh, I expressed them alright.

Ugh. And then we have snack on top of that like half an hour later. I feel like all I do is eat, sit around, eat, sit, eat, sit.... then I come home and it's dinner time, I eat, can't go anywhere for an hour.... then I have to have a stupid evening snack and tonight I have to have cake. I hate their stupid "Challenge yourself." like wtf, no!

I got no word on going inpatient this week today. Hopefully they call tomorrow. I know I go in either this week or the next.

This is all just a blooooooody mess.

I WANNA DIE.

So, I woke up, weighed myself.... dropped three pounds

ED says that's an achievement.

Kelly says that's going backwards in my recovery.

WHO DO I LISTEN TO?

Anyway. After I got my haircut today, I left and had two stalks of celery and some diet ice tea. I was happy and all... got home....

• handfulls of trailmix
• two plain tortilla wraps
• 2 choc. chip cookies
• 5 trefoil cookies
• 2 pieces of sushi
• half a graham cracker

I vigorously searched for the other girl scout cookies and thankfully never found them....

I literally was just shoving food in me without even tasting it... I just stuffed it on me....

I want to purge. SO BADLY. SO SO SO BADLY.

I'm drinking coffee right now.... hopefully, since it's a natural diuretic, it will help get it out quickly..... I'm so pissed I don't have my laxatives X(

I'm NOT looking forward to IDP tomorrow. I don't wanna eat. Tomorrow, when they put the food in front of me, this is how I will react. NO JOKE.

SCREW ALL OF THIS.

I hate you ED.

Scary...

Can you even believe I ripped the audio from this, converted it to MP3 and put it on my ipod and listened to it every single morning on the way to school all senior year?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhvhIzIRuSQ

How screwed up is this illness?

Sad part is... I sometimes still listen to it.

It's like watching a video of myself.

It's the EXACT voice that's in my head....

It's a video if exactly how my life has been. How many nights I ventured downstairs and ate everything I could... only to come back to my room and purge in my closet.

How in 7th grade I used to put on so much face powder to look pale and sick that my parent's would excuse me from dinner. How I took food with me to the bus stop only to throw it in the sewer or bury it in the snow.

The days I hid in the bathroom at lunch only to lie to my friends saying I was somewhere else.

How on off campus lunch I would purposely disappear so my friends couldn't find me and go without me. Or how I told them I had no money when really, I stayed and sat in the hall looking through my book of thinspiration pictures I had printed out. Or how I made lists of foods that I would allow....

• Celery
• Carrots
• Lettuce
• Apples

That was all.

How many nights I never slept and crept to the basement to go on the treadmill for five hours....

How I brought bags full of food to school, hid them in my locker, signed a pass out, ate it all, and ran to the bathroom to purge it all. I always missed class. Because for me... thin was more important.

How in my first few months of college, I would go to the vending machine, use almost $10.00 on food, eat it all, purge it, go to class; repeat.

On break how I'd go to Target and buy pills.

Gosh, I wasted so much money.

My life, since seventh grade, has been one long journey through Hell. Although I know God is going to get me through this, I just wish he hadn't let me suffer for so long.

I feel as if my entire life, 12 years old to 19 years old, I have lost so much I can never get back. Just because of some stupid voice in my head.

How I hid all this from people for so freakin' long is beyond me....

I know this needs to end.

Good or Bad?

As hard as it is to say this....

I DIDN'T PURGE TONIGHT.

It's 9:23 PM and I am sitting here feeling both angry with myself and happy with myself. It's hard to know that I am actually digesting food right now..... I still feel hungry, which is weird.... I guess it's just my body trying to get itself back in order.... I don't know.

It just sucks not knowing when I'm hungry or when I'm full. That's what's so scary about all of this. And the fact that I feel I never have control. I tell myself I'll have one cracker.... I eat the whole dang box. It's ridiculous.

Ugh. And I'm finding is SO HARD to leave this site I've been a part of for a year and a half. It's a site that I won't share the link, but it's a site for thinspiration and tips...

I just want to be thin.

All I can think about right now is HOW SCARED I AM TO WEIGHT MYSELF TOMORROW MORNING. I had two days to lose weight, I butchered it, Monday comes and I'm back to stuffing my body with calories all day long, all week.

I'm so scared to go to bed and wake up tomorrow.

I don't think I can even go to bed.... I feel like doing crunches all night.

COMPLETE FAILURE.

As if today's intake didn't piss me off enough, I now just ate a bowl of tuna fish with some celery and a tiny bit of ranch, two seaweed papers, about 20 triscuits and 5 trefoil cookies

I went looking for the samoa cookies, but THANK GOD my Mom hid them again. I told her this morning I had found them by accident (I didn't eat any.... yay me) and wanted her to hide them again. So I guess that's a plus!

I am so pissed off with myself. And the scary part for me is.... I can't decide if I want to purge or not. I guess after this post, I will have to decide.

Kelly says no.

ED says yes.

It's too hard to listen to Kelly.

I know you all want me to listen to Kelly. But it seems impossible.

God, where are you?

CONTROL.

Today I felt like I needed FULL CONTROL OF EVERYTHING I CONSUMED. Well, that's everyday.... but today I felt it more since this whole week has been over taken by eating BUTT LOADS.

My Dad and I went to Mall Of America and he made me eat lunch. I got a small salad which was nice. I was scared though because I was starting to get hunger cues back. Later on he wanted to get frozen yogurt and I was just too scared and so we shared it. I was kind of upset afterwards, since I felt like I had ruined my entire day.

No. That wasn't until I got home.

I went upstairs and looked through my mail I got gotten today (I got a lot! lol) and then went downstairs to get a drink. My Dad had taken out the plate of sushi I made last night and was eating it. I stared at it. WANTING IT SO BADLY. I told my Mom "Hey, I want some sushi, but I feel like I won't be able to stop (I don't get full.... one of the problems with being bulimic...). She told me to take a few and just enjoy it. To yell at ED And tell him to eff off. I tried, but after three pieces I felt the urge to keep going and going... thankfully she stopped me.

I hate the feeling of not being able to enjoy food because I over eat it. I don't know when to stop. My body is so screwed up. I hate how I did this to myself. I wish I could reverse time and change all of this.

I know today I've been bad. I haven't had even close to 500 calories. In a way, that feels like such an achievement. Of coarse that's ED. The Kelly in me is telling me I need more because I really haven't been getting my self the correct caloric intake. I'm just SO SCARED. After seeing my weight go up in just 5 days.... I am so scared. I cried this morning. I didn't want to leave my room. I felt like I didn't deserve to go to the mall and buy clothes. I felt too large and like a failure. ED was telling me I can only get new clothes when I'm thinner.

When will that be?

In reality, never....

I hate this. Not having IDP for 2 days is really screwing me up. The house is gonna help but also drive me nuts since I won't be able to restrict, exercise or purge... which scares me. I have cried so much thinking about that.

and today my mom interrogated me asking if I had more pills. I HONESTLY DON'T. As temping as it is, I wanna go out right now and get more.... but I've already been told I've messed up myself from the laxatives.

Overall, today was hard. Just plain out hard.

Rough Morning

This morning has been rough and I've only been awake for half an hour. My Dad came in, woke me up and asked if I wanted to go to MOA to get stuff before I go away. I said yes. For multiple reasons.

• I won't be home to have the urge to binge and purge
• I will be walking all day and burning calories.
• I won't be home to run to my scale every hour to check my weight.

But, I went to take my shower, and afterwards I weighed myself.

I can't put in to words my feelings right now.

I have gained 5 lbs.

I won't mention my weight since I don't want it to be triggering or anything.

Honestly, yesterday I thought it was water weight and I'd shed it off over night or when I went potty.... NOPE. It's all on my thighs.

I feel like crap right now. I just hate this whole situation. I mean, I was so close to my ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT, and now look. I just am so pissed of and so furious and angry and I just wanna yell and scream!

This just isn't working for me.

Some feelings...

So, I know I posted earlier and talked about IDP.... but now I just really need to express how I feel at this very moment...

I am so upset with myself. I stuck to my meal plan tonight and had my veggie burger. I didn't feel full which made me happy since I HATE that feeling... but, of coarse, ED was telling me how weak I was for eating dinner. Like, I've eaten so much this week due to being in IDP and it's just so overwhelming....

Anyway. ED told me I had to binge. That I would only feel better if I did. So I did. I ate an over abundance of Triscuits and sushi I made. I almost tried to sneak some girl scout cookies upstairs to hide, but I stopped myself. I tasered ED in the arse and said "Enough is enough for tonight."

Yes. I have a taser.

One of the IDP staff, metaphorically, gave me a taser today because she said after yesterday when I handed over my laxatives and diet pills, she saw so much confidence in me. I honestly didn't feel confidence. I was in tears when I confessed to having them. But when she said that to me, I felt a small ounce of hope. I don't know... I mean, I, Kelly, was glad I handed over the pills, but ED was so furious. I went home and I punished myself by binging and purging. It was just terrible.

I'm just getting so angry with myself and how recovery is going so far. I feel hopeless and so weak. I can't get myself to believe that I am going to be healed. This feels everlasting.

I was talking to one of m IDP therapists yesterday about how angry I am with God right now. I mean, I know he's with me. I KNOW THAT. But I feel angry that he let this all go on for SO LONG. I mean.... come on. I haven't eaten normally since I was 12 years old.

I feel like such a disgusting pig right now... I ate so much and my mom wanted me to watch TV and see this documentary about this Olympic Athlete who suffered anorexia, hoping it help motivate me.... all I could think about the ENTIRE time was how jealous I was of how thin she was. And seeing her ride her bike... I wanted to run upstairs, get my shoes, and go for a run around the world with Forest Gump. I feel so bloated and gross. And the strange part is, I want to go eat more.

WTF, ED? LEAVE ME ALONE.

End Of Week One in IDP

So... it was my first week in IDP and I gotta say....

IT WAS STRESSFUL.

I first started off on a smaller meal plan than the other girls and I liked that... ALOT. But today I started on a full meal plan and I was pissed off. I let them know.... I told them how I felt. Like I wanted to pick up the food, throw it at their faces, cue some Paul McCartney music and strut out of the building.

Besides that, I had some art therapy today which was nice. We made Valentine's for one another and shared some encouraging words. A girl from our group (theres 4 of us) is leaving IDP and today was her last day. It was sad :'( But I know that she is gonna do great! She was a great person to get to know.

And as of the beginning of the week, I cried almost every five minutes. It was embarrassing but they comforted me. Like, Tuesday they took us out to breakfast and the dietitian's came with is and helped us portion out our meals. I got corn pancakes with oranges and cranberries on top and a small side of fruit. The whole dish was five mother flippin' huge pancakes and I was like "NO. NOT GONNA HAPPEN." So my dietitian said I could eat one :) YAY ME! YAY HER! But after we all finished we did our check ins where we talk about how the meal made us feel and what was hard for us during it and ya know... I didn't get through the first word before bursting into tears in the middle of the restaurant -___- UGH.

The following day's were somewhat better. I mean, I got to eat less than the others and I didn;r have to eat my full desserts which felt GREAT. But today it was pack your own lunch and I brought two girl scout samoa cookies, which is a serving size, and they said "That's not a serving." so they took them away and gave me four oreos. WTF. I wanted to throw a chair. Trust me, I let them know in check in after that how pissed I was.

Well. That's all I have for now. There will be more in the coming weeks when I move in and all that fun stuff -__- Ugh. I'm so nervous for that. I hate this whole situation. I hate how it happened to me. I hate it hate it hate it hate it!!!!!!!!! GRRRR.

I guess my last thought for now is the struggle of seeing I have gained 5 lbs since monday. It's so hard to not use symptoms and to not freak out. Cuz honestly, I want to restrict all weekend.... but who knows what will happen. I know for recovery I need to eat, but this week was TOO MUCH.

Pray for me.