Purge Free and Today is Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! So, I have been five months purge free! It's amazing how far I've come! This is the longest I have ever gone in years! Even in residential I never went this long! When I was asked how I did it, I did some thinking. I have realized that by using DBT I have really been able to use my skills to keep myself from purging, self harming, weighing myself, body checking, etc... I am truly amazed at how far I have come. I never ever thought I could ever go this long! I mean, I get urges and everything but I have gotten really good at using the DBT skills. In fact, I will share with you the exact skills I use most to help me :)

1.) Urge Surfing: Observe and describe your current emotion and current thoughts. No judgements. I try to sometimes visualize myself on a wave "riding out" the urges to use symptoms to not giving in.
2.) Radical Acceptance: Accept what is. Decide to accept and tolerate the moment. The acceptance allows you to move on. Remember, just because you're accepting it doesn't mean you agree with or like the situation.
3.) Distract: Do some activities! I like to do some drawing, watch a show, and sometimes talking to someone can help too. I try to do some pushing away too. I have a box where I write down my current worries and fears and I stick them in the box. I try to let it go and not think about it now. Sensation helps too! I would usually self harm when I was in distress. While in treatment I've learned some ways that give you sensation without hurting yourself. I throw ice balloons and hold ice in my hand and stress balls are a miracle!
4.) Improve The Moment: THIS ONE WORKS WONDERS. I try to pray, relax, use imagery, and I try to do one thing in the moment. I just focus on what I am doing in the moment. I don't worry about the future or the past. 5.) Wise Mind: There are two minds: Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. Wise mind is being able to kind of like check the facts. Emotion mind is when you're really upset and you let your emotions control you. I always try to check in with myself and see where I am. What is my wise mind saying? After a lot of practice it is easier to distinguish the two. It can be hard sometimes and I mix up the two but I try to listen and see which voice sounds 'reasonable'.
So yeah! Those are the skills I use most. They help me SO SO So much. I mean, restricting is still a little bit of an issue but I'm really happy that purging is now low. It's really freeing. Of coarse my eating disorder tells me I have less control and I'm going to gain weight like crazy but I check in with my wise mind and I try to see the reality of that thought.
So, today is Halloween! I am being hipster Ariel and I am quite excited :) I hope I win the contest at work! hehe! We shall see XD Anywho.... that's all for now! Bye! xx

New Hampshire 2013

Well, I returned home last night from NH :( It was the saddest day of my life. I seriously did NOT want to leave. I mean, don't get me wrong... I do like MN. I had some great experiences here and I have good friends but I truly feel like I just belong on NH. The whole week I was there I was the happiest I have been in moooonnttthhhsss. It was so great! I followed my meal plan pretty well, got to be with my friends whom I love to death and got to see someone who is very special to me. I just hate that I only get to see these people like once every year. And who knows if I'll get to go next summer?! I just want to move out there. But my parent's don't agree and yadeda! But like, I'm going to be 22 next month.... I feel like I should go... like... leave... do something with my life! I feel like I'm doing really well with all the eating disorder stuff. I really do! And I think that maybe it's time I start my life somewhere else! The only thing holding me back, well the two things, are Kiwi and Kathryn. I LOVE MY CAT TO DEATH AND KATHRYN IS THE GREATEST PERSON EVER. Ugh. I don't know what to do :/ This is how I feel....

Update!! :D

Well, it's been a while! Umm.. well... A couple weeks ago I ended IOP and am now just doing outpatient and weekly DBT group. IOP was no longer an option for me since I wasn't following guidelines as best as I could. I was just really struggling. Anyway, I am now just talking with my dietician and therapist on what to do next with treatment. I think maybe a little break to just think things through should help. It's not that I don't want to recover or anything, it's just hard to be pro-recovery all the tiiimmeee.... The voices in my heard are so darn loud :/ UGGHH.

New Hampshire is in a few weeks! I'm SUPER stoked for that! It'll be so nice to be back in the East Coast with my friends <3 Me and my friend I am staying with are going to have SO MUCH FUN! EEEE!!

Umm... there's nothing else to really say. I guess I'll try to update more though. I guess I just don't want to let people in as much recently. But I know I need to keep myself open and let my support people in. Without you guys I wouldn't be able to keep fighting as hard as am! You guys remind me of my hopes and dreams and that recovery is possible! <3 Love you all!!!

This week sucked...

Let's just say that some people are just annoying... Anyway, things are not going so well. I have been having a really hard time. I don't even know what to say... I just feel so sad. I feel like all I do is go to The Emily Program and work. I'm exhausted and I hardly get sleep. I wake up, go to programming, share my feelings, go to work completely emotionally exhausted and worn out, come home, try to sleep, get up and repeat. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit programming because I need that more than anything right now but I also don't want to take down my hours at work because I NEED the money and plus my parent's would be upset if I did since if I'm not at work then what? They want me to be doing something. I just feel like I need my time. I need to figure things out.

Yesterday my mom asked about school and what I think about it. I told her I have no idea. I don't even know where to start :/ I want to be back in school but I think a four year college isn't for me. I have thought about beauty school and all. I think I would love to do makeup and hair! I'm looking in to it.

But there's so much emotionally going on inside of me. I tell my therapist everything but I only get an hour with her once a week and it's not enough! And now she's leaving and moving and I have to get a new therapist and I don't want to! I have had so many with being in outpatient and then inpatient and then outpatient and then inpatient again.... I just need consistency!

And then there's these emotions in my heart that I can't control and don't understand and it's driving me crazy! AHH! I don't know what to do! I need someone to just tell me what to do! I can't figure anything out :(

NEW HAMPSHIRE!

I'M GOING TO NASHUA, NH THIS SUMMER!

I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED. It's going to be a blast. I am so happy my parent's are letting me go. I am going to pay them back when I can but for now they paid for the ticket! I AM SO SO EXCITED! I will be there July 12-18th XD WOOO!!!

The ONLY THING IS.... I have to follow my meal plan these next two months in order to prove to my treatment team that I can go. Not that they can't like keep me from going but they do have the authority to talk to my parent's about me not going and obviously if I'm not doing well my parent's won't let me go. So I need to really buckle down and follow my meal plan! I want to anyway... it's just hard.

So if all goes as planned, I will do IOP for two more months and then I will leave and go to NH and then just do outpatient. Hopefully I can do it w/o having to go back to IOP or IDP or w/e... I think I can do it. I hardly purge anymore and the only main symptoms I use are like restriction and a little bit of exercise. So, people, I have come a REAAALLYYY long way. I used to purge up to 10+ times a day! Now, if I do purge, it's like once a week. I AM A ROCK STAR. I basically am kicking butt like big time. I think NH is going to be a great success. I will be with a really supportive friend all week who I shall make sure knows my meal plan and my schedule for eating so that I can really do this effectively.

AHHHH I CAN'T WAIITTT!!

!@#$#$^%#

So normally I don't post two days in a row... but this post needs to happen because... I am so aggravated. SO.DAMN.AGGRAVATED I have felt like absolute crap the last few days. I wake up and I'm usually okay but then my day happens and then I just wanna keel over and lay in the fetal position and cry. I'm sick of my eating disorder, I'm sick of people, I'm sick of me and I'm sick of all the things my heart is feeling. I feel like I have this stinging pain that is just tearing my apart and I want to just rip my heart out, stomp on it and never put it back in. I hate feelings. I hate them. I HATE THEM.

(sorry this post is so intense and negative...)

I just want someone to come and hold me and help get me through this. I know I have God, but sometimes I just need something tangible and something I can actually see and hold. I know God is there and I know he's beside me and helping through all of this, but sometimes I get so hurt because I feel like he's not answering me or listening. I need answers and I want them NOW. I can't stand being like this. I want to just step outside of my body and just take a break.

I just pray to God that he answers me and helps me through this. I need him so much right now.

Uncertain...

Well, I have been back at work now for almost three weeks and it has been good! Everyone was super welcoming & kind! I've noticed a big difference in how I interact there too now. I am more of myself and less quiet and reserved. I guess I push ED out a little more while I'm there. I guess the only part that really sucks about working where I work is that I get a lot of weight related comments from customers. It sucks and it's triggering but I guess I just need to ignore those, keep going, and do my best to do what I need to do for me. What those people say are not true and I don't need to listen to them.

Today though has been a rough day. We had a breakfast outing to Panera and I felt so alone during the whole thing. I don't know why. I mean, at one point we were talking about TV shows and I piped in out Once Upon A Time and that got me engaged but it seems like I got shut down or something... no one else really wanted to talk about it. So I just found myself kind of eating and being lost in my thoughts. I wanted to be a part of the experience but I just... idk... ED was so loud.

Anyway, I have DBT group tonight which I'm not looking forward to. I AM SO TIREEDDD.


I hope today goes fast. I just wanna curl up in my bed and listen to music <3

Anyway, that's all.

What In The Heck?

I'm pretty distraught.
So, yesterday was my first day back at work after six months. I went to put my work pants on and GUESS WHAT? THEY DIDN'T FIT. So naturally I started to freak the heck out and I tried to calm down. I decided that I would go out with my friend and buy a new pair. So we did. We went to the store and I got my pants size (the size I tried on a couple weeks ago at the SAME store) and I tried them on and THEY DIDN'T FIT.
WHAT IN THE HECKIN' HECK IS GOING ON?! I was EXACTLY that size a few weeks ago. My dietician told me I wasn't gaining weight and everything was ok. I am so confused and I am so upset. When I see her Monday I am going to demand I get weighed and told the TRUTH. I want to know what is going on in my body. I am sick of this weight thing. I want to be done gaining. I eat my meal plan and I hardly purge.... so you'd think my weight would be stable.

Honestly...

So life has been a bit hectic....

So I'll spare you the details but basically I suck at being a friend and I can't stop hating myself. I've done some stupid stuff the past week that can't be undone and I really regret it. I am so ashamed. I want to apologize to people and say that right now I am in a really hard place and I am really really struggling with body image and self worth and I know that I've kind of distanced myself and what not and I am sorry. I just get in these places where I really get sad and I hide. Which I KNOW is unhelpful and just feeds the eating disorder more but it's hard when every time you look in the mirror you just see this complete failure. 
I'm sorry for being so negative.... I don't mean to be. I'm just SO ANGRY. I just feel like people are disappointed in me. I just see in my parent's eyes and with my friends. 
I know I'm not in school right now and I'm not working (which I am going to call my boss soon to ask if I can come back to Nadias) and that makes people kind of annoyed... I mean, I'm annoyed! I have to live with myself every day and the constant voice in my head telling me I'm doing everything wrong. Like earlier, I thought about what would have happened if I have never left school to get help and just tried to get through this myself? Would I be graduating soon like everyone else? I mean, I don't regret going to treatment but sometimes I think I really messed my life up. I did eventually get a job which helped things out but it also made things hard.... UGH IDK. I feel so angry!
I'm not looking for sympathy or even replies but I just want people to know that I am not trying to be a jerk and what not... I'm just in a really hard place. So I apologize. 

Struggling....

So today was my last day of IDP and I felt really good about it. I start IOP on Monday. I think I'm in a pretty good place to do the transition. I did IDP since being out of the Anna Westin House. Unfortunately, tonight I am REALLY struggling. ED is so loud and I have been looking in the mirror like every 5 minutes and panicking. I was supposed to go out tonight to a friend's party and I made the DUMB decision to look online at the nutritional value of the food and I panicked. Then today I went shopping for capris alone. I walked in to the dressing room and I said to myself, in my head, "Whatever happens in the dressing room does not matter. Numbers do NOT define me.... I am beautiful and I am worth recovery." I put the dang pants. I AM NOT THAT SIZE ANYMORE. I AM UP A SIZE. I literally had to hold in a scream and all the tears that wanted to come spilling from my eyes. But I took a deep breath, left the room, got another size, put them on, they fit, got out, went to pay and darted for the door and went home. I wanted so bad to just scream and yell at everyone because I was a size up. I feel so crappy and ever since I have been trying to restrain from purging and running out to buy a scale and not buy diet pills... I am literally going nuts. I can't seem to get over this. I am so upset. I know I shouldn't care.... I know that the number on the pants doesn't define me.... but for some reason I NEED to be a size smaller. I HATE weight restoration. And now I'm afraid I'm just gaining more because I haven't been purging or restricting and I have been following my meal plan! I want nothing more than to just be able to eat and not use symptoms! Which I was doing bit now I'm afraid. I feel like I need to purge again and restrict and all that. I NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I WEIGH. It is driving me NUTS. My dietician won't tell me. I beg her but she always asks "Will it be helpful?" and obviously I tell the truth... no, it won't be helpful. I just am having a hard time using my skills. I feel like I have nothing to pull out and use. ED is just taking over. I feel defenseless. This is ridiculous!

Mwuah!

Hello to my lovely supporters! Just popping in to say that it's a new week and I am setting new goals and working hard to keep recovery going! This weekend was a tough one and I has some slip ups, but it doesn't take away all the progress I have made. I am working hard and will continue to. Just want to let you guys know I love you all and am so blessed to have such a great support group. You all rock! Mwuah!

Trying to stay positive!

Hey there!

So yesterday was EXTREMELY HARD. The outing was at Pinstripes. It was fun and all, but it was so hard to eat the food. Especially dessert. I was so full from the pizza and salad that I just could NOT eat another bite. ED got loud and omg I wanted to purge SO BAD. When we came back from the outing of coarse I cried :/ I told my group how I felt and it was relieving to get it out but I just felt so exhausted from the day and all the emotions that came up. I don't think people fully get how hard it is for me to go in public and eat. I tried to explain that to my mom last night but she just didn't understand. Oh well. Whatever.

I'm trying to stay positive for today. I know it's going to be a challenging day due to how I feel right now but I'm working on trying to get those feelings out to the group and working on them with them. I've been kind of holding back a bit and keeping all the hard stuff inside because I feel like sometimes I can get really negative :/ But yesterday I was asked to just express my feelings fully and be where I needed to be. It felt good but it also felt crappy.

I just wish all of this could go away. I fight so hard and I do all that I can but sometimes I just feel like nothing is worth it. ED just is so.. so... persistent and I HATE IT! I want a break. I want ED to just go on vaca and leave me alone.

It now has been twenty something days purge free... which is anxiety provoking but also makes me kind of proud. It's been hard to go that long. Especially last night after dinner I wanted to purge but then my group wanted to walk out to our cars together (I bet they knew I was going to... ugh.) and so I just decided to not make any pit stops on the way home and just go home... straight there. And I did and by the time I got home it was too late to purge so I just distracted myself with other activities.

I pray today goes better and the meals aren't too hard. I know I got this but sometimes I feel so helpless :(

Hallo!

                                                  Hey everybody! 

So today is an outing day with programming. I have no idea where we're going for lunch and what out activity afterwards is... but we'll find out! I'm nervous... ugh. I hate not knowing. Well, ED hates it. The unknown with food is always anxiety provoking. I hope we go somewhere good. I mean, hopefully it's not an 'easy' place. We want to challenge ourselves. 

This week has been challenging. It's been 21 days with no purging! That's a LONG TIME. I am impressed with myself. That rarely happens. But I'm really trying to be consistent with eating so I don't wack up my system again. I think my body is so confused..... ugh. 

Tomorrow is friends and family night. I think I'm taking a break from asking people to come. I think I just need to not have people come. Well, family at least... friends are welcome! If any of you want to come let me know! I would love it so much! :D

I'm eating snack right now (yay me!) and it's going pretty darn good. Thought ya'll should know. 

Well, I don't have too much to say. Just popping in to update! Love you all! ADIOS!

Interesting week...

This week was interesting.

Wednesday we had a lunch outing and we went to Hell's Kitchen. It was good, not the best, but it was good. The food was SUPER challenging. I got a grilled cheese and it was SO GREASY. It was def. hard to eat.

Afterwards we went to The Art Institutes (my old school) and went to The Emily Program Art show where I have a piece of mine on display. It was cool to see my art there and helping to promote awareness on eating disorders, but it was NOT fun to be back in the school where my ED had been at it's most worst. It was weird to be back in those halls.. it brought back a lot of bad memories. I almost had a tiny panic attack. At one point the group went to use the bathroom and I couldn't even go in there. I was like "No... not gonna happen." So many bad memories in that bathroom.

Thankfully we didn't stay too long. It was nice to go home though later on. I had a lot of feelings going on that day.

Thursday was EVEN WORSE. I won't say what happened but it was pretty mortifying. I am forever embarrassed and hurt by the situation that happened. But I am trying to move on and forget about it.

Today I have Saturday support group and my friend is coming with (: She's an awesome support. It's the first time she's coming but it means so much to me.

Meal plan has been going ok. So far most days are 96% and I am doing my best to get it all in and to stay in. So far so good! It's been hard but I am doing some hard work.

Thank you all for your continuous support <3 I love you all! xoxox

First Weekend Home!

Well, I made it through my first weekend home! It was hard but I did it.

I've been really struggling but I'm trying my best to just keep moving forward. First weekends home from residential treatment is never easy :/

Friday in IDP we had to plan our entire weekend meal wise. Pfftt. I didn't follow it one bit. ED was like "Screw that". Ugh. I suck at following plans like that. It just doesn't happen. I know it needs to though since that's the only way I'll make progress. But it's so hard when I'm still stuck in the whole "Do I want recovery?". Which I know I do because there's so much I want to do in life. I think I'm just afraid of what life can be without my eating disorder. It's been with me since I was eleven....

I meet with my new dietician today so I hope and pray that that goes well. She seems nice from when I met her last week in group. Hopefully there's no meal plan changes. Unless she takes something off! Which I highly doubt will happen....

I have IDP until 7pm today... that's a long day. Lunch and dinner there. That's exhausting. ED is upset. Breakfast is the only meal of the day I have some control. Which is never good... breakfast is SUPER important and I haven't been eating it :/ Things really need to change. I can't let all these stays at AWH go to waste. I can't waste away. I need to get my butt in to action and really get on board with recovery.

Update!

Well I'm home again! I discharged from the Anna Westin House on Feb. 13th. It was a SUPER HARD transition... even though it was my 3rd time :/ But this time I really did not feel completely ready to go but my team thought I was so I decided to put my trust in them as best as I could.

Being home again is strange... It's always hard to go from 24/7 care to just nothing.... well, I am in IDP at St. Louis Park which is really great. Everyone there is awesome! Plus my old dietician from the house is there so that's cool.

ED has been so loud ever since I've come home which is expected obviously... but it's just aggravating. I feel like I should be better by now. Today marks the 2 years since I first admitted to the house! TWO YEARS 0__o It feels like just yesterday! lol

Anyway. I am glad to be home even though I do miss the EDTs and residents. It's nice to be able to have more freedom :) And I get to cuddle with Kiwi at night! WOO! Yay kitty!

Thanks for all the support, everyone!