Friday, March 29, 2013
Struggling....
So today was my last day of IDP and I felt really good about it. I start IOP on Monday. I think I'm in a pretty good place to do the transition. I did IDP since being out of the Anna Westin House.
Unfortunately, tonight I am REALLY struggling. ED is so loud and I have been looking in the mirror like every 5 minutes and panicking.
I was supposed to go out tonight to a friend's party and I made the DUMB decision to look online at the nutritional value of the food and I panicked. Then today I went shopping for capris alone. I walked in to the dressing room and I said to myself, in my head, "Whatever happens in the dressing room does not matter. Numbers do NOT define me.... I am beautiful and I am worth recovery."
I put the dang pants.
I AM NOT THAT SIZE ANYMORE. I AM UP A SIZE.
I know I shouldn't care.... I know that the number on the pants doesn't define me.... but for some reason I NEED to be a size smaller. I HATE weight restoration. And now I'm afraid I'm just gaining more because I haven't been purging or restricting and I have been following my meal plan! I want nothing more than to just be able to eat and not use symptoms! Which I was doing bit now I'm afraid. I feel like I need to purge again and restrict and all that. I NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I WEIGH. It is driving me NUTS. My dietician won't tell me. I beg her but she always asks "Will it be helpful?" and obviously I tell the truth... no, it won't be helpful.
I just am having a hard time using my skills. I feel like I have nothing to pull out and use. ED is just taking over. I feel defenseless. This is ridiculous!
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Kells, I'm sorry you're struggling :(. But at the same time, I hear strength in your voice in this post. And I'm glad that you're fighting and angry at ED! That's a good thing! I can relate to some of what you said here and I don't know how to make it better, other than to just say you're not alone, you are strong and beautiful and a wonderful person, who will overcome this, and I love you.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I think you did AWESOME with all these struggles going on in your head and just being able to do what you did at the store. I think you should give yourself some credit. Be kind to yourself. I am so proud of you. SOOOOOOOOOOO proud. I can relate to this in different ways too - just like Jill said - I don't know how to fix it or make it better or ease it....My psychiatrist at the emily program often tells me - When your uncomfortable is when you are doing the work. Some of the hardest work. They would be worried if you were not uncomfortable. I scream sometimes (Silently) in the elevator at the Emily Program - SLP location - I hate that stupid mirror. I choose to look at the floor now. When I get a glimpse of myself I freak out. One thing I learned from DBT - is if you can do anything to distract yourself until Monday...and ride out those urges...and thoughts - DO IT!!!! Even if it means being really annoyed and hating yourself. Its really hard. I am so proud of you Kelly. I feel like I never say the right thing...but I think you are doing such an awesome job. No restriction. No purging. OMG!!! I wish I could hug you. Do you have any distractions you can think of???? Hopefully the weather will be nice! Maybe something not centered around food or clothing...just have some fun.
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