I am SUPER annoyed right now. My team has decided that there are too many trips happening for me in too short a time (which is true..) and that it isn't good for me and my health. So I won't be able to go to NJ :( I get to go to Maryland for my cousin's wedding, but I'm flying home the next day with my brother. Part of me is seeing that as a huge relief since I think it'll be best for me right now. My team agrees that a shorter trip there is also what's best. I am sad that now I have to call my nana and poppop and break the news to them :/ I know it's going to make them super sad. I just hope they understand that this is for my mental health.
But now my team isn't supporting NH. That my friends, is just not okay. I talked about it today and stuff with my therapist and she said she doesn't think it's such a good idea for a lot of reasons. But if I buckle down and really work hard at this she might support it and let me go. I mean, well, ultimately they can't stop me from going, but I don't want to go and do something my treatment team doesn't support… I want to feel like they believe I can do it and CAN do it. So starting right now, I am going to really kick this eating disorders arse and getting myself on track. I am going to follow my meal plan (at least 85%) and I am not going to purge or exercise. I am going to prove to them that 7 days away from home seeing friends is OKAY for me and I can do it.
I have been wanting to go to NH for years now and now I have the opportunity and I don't want to cancel. It would break my heart and I know it would break my BFF's if I had to tell her I can't come. I can't do that. Plus, I'm not going to let ED take something else away from me.
I'm just so fed up! I want to be able to go to both places but I have to make decisions for my heath. Which is super sucky, but I know it's only for the better. My eating disorder had been loud and yes I have been using symptoms a lot lately, but I think NH is a super great motivation to work hard! And even after the trip because I don't want to have to lose anything else due to this illness. I want to do things normally and I want to see people. ED will not take that from me!
So please pray for me and for help with fighting against ED and the ability to go to both places!
xxx
Kelly, I know your eating disorder is loud and annoying right now, and LOOK at what it is stealing from you. IT is giving you nothing, and yet is taking your life in return. Really. It is giving you NOTHING. It doesn't care if you die skinny. You can't recover from dead. And you are already being restricted from seeing your grandparents and maybe your friends, too. I KNOW how hard that fight is. I might not talk about it much, but I KNOW. Please don't let it take any more of your life from you. Fight like a girl!
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