Let's just say that some people are just annoying...
Anyway, things are not going so well. I have been having a really hard time. I don't even know what to say... I just feel so sad. I feel like all I do is go to The Emily Program and work. I'm exhausted and I hardly get sleep. I wake up, go to programming, share my feelings, go to work completely emotionally exhausted and worn out, come home, try to sleep, get up and repeat. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit programming because I need that more than anything right now but I also don't want to take down my hours at work because I NEED the money and plus my parent's would be upset if I did since if I'm not at work then what? They want me to be doing something. I just feel like I need my time. I need to figure things out.
Yesterday my mom asked about school and what I think about it. I told her I have no idea. I don't even know where to start :/ I want to be back in school but I think a four year college isn't for me. I have thought about beauty school and all. I think I would love to do makeup and hair! I'm looking in to it.
But there's so much emotionally going on inside of me. I tell my therapist everything but I only get an hour with her once a week and it's not enough! And now she's leaving and moving and I have to get a new therapist and I don't want to! I have had so many with being in outpatient and then inpatient and then outpatient and then inpatient again.... I just need consistency!
And then there's these emotions in my heart that I can't control and don't understand and it's driving me crazy! AHH! I don't know what to do! I need someone to just tell me what to do! I can't figure anything out :(
I'M GOING TO NASHUA, NH THIS SUMMER!
I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED. It's going to be a blast. I am so happy my parent's are letting me go. I am going to pay them back when I can but for now they paid for the ticket! I AM SO SO EXCITED! I will be there July 12-18th XD WOOO!!!
The ONLY THING IS.... I have to follow my meal plan these next two months in order to prove to my treatment team that I can go. Not that they can't like keep me from going but they do have the authority to talk to my parent's about me not going and obviously if I'm not doing well my parent's won't let me go. So I need to really buckle down and follow my meal plan! I want to anyway... it's just hard.
So if all goes as planned, I will do IOP for two more months and then I will leave and go to NH and then just do outpatient. Hopefully I can do it w/o having to go back to IOP or IDP or w/e... I think I can do it. I hardly purge anymore and the only main symptoms I use are like restriction and a little bit of exercise. So, people, I have come a REAAALLYYY long way. I used to purge up to 10+ times a day! Now, if I do purge, it's like once a week. I AM A ROCK STAR. I basically am kicking butt like big time. I think NH is going to be a great success. I will be with a really supportive friend all week who I shall make sure knows my meal plan and my schedule for eating so that I can really do this effectively.
AHHHH I CAN'T WAIITTT!!
So normally I don't post two days in a row... but this post needs to happen because...
I am so aggravated. SO.DAMN.AGGRAVATED I have felt like absolute crap the last few days. I wake up and I'm usually okay but then my day happens and then I just wanna keel over and lay in the fetal position and cry.
I'm sick of my eating disorder, I'm sick of people, I'm sick of me and I'm sick of all the things my heart is feeling. I feel like I have this stinging pain that is just tearing my apart and I want to just rip my heart out, stomp on it and never put it back in. I hate feelings. I hate them. I HATE THEM.
(sorry this post is so intense and negative...)
I just want someone to come and hold me and help get me through this. I know I have God, but sometimes I just need something tangible and something I can actually see and hold. I know God is there and I know he's beside me and helping through all of this, but sometimes I get so hurt because I feel like he's not answering me or listening. I need answers and I want them NOW. I can't stand being like this. I want to just step outside of my body and just take a break.
I just pray to God that he answers me and helps me through this. I need him so much right now.
Well, I have been back at work now for almost three weeks and it has been good! Everyone was super welcoming & kind! I've noticed a big difference in how I interact there too now. I am more of myself and less quiet and reserved. I guess I push ED out a little more while I'm there. I guess the only part that really sucks about working where I work is that I get a lot of weight related comments from customers. It sucks and it's triggering but I guess I just need to ignore those, keep going, and do my best to do what I need to do for me. What those people say are not true and I don't need to listen to them.
Today though has been a rough day. We had a breakfast outing to Panera and I felt so alone during the whole thing. I don't know why. I mean, at one point we were talking about TV shows and I piped in out Once Upon A Time and that got me engaged but it seems like I got shut down or something... no one else really wanted to talk about it. So I just found myself kind of eating and being lost in my thoughts. I wanted to be a part of the experience but I just... idk... ED was so loud.
Anyway, I have DBT group tonight which I'm not looking forward to. I AM SO TIREEDDD.
I hope today goes fast. I just wanna curl up in my bed and listen to music <3
Anyway, that's all.
