I'm Amazing

So I was drying my hair just now and it occurred to me that I am pretty amazing. I mean, I think it's pretty incredible that I wake up everyday with this voice in my head constantly telling me I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, I need to restrict, purge, exercise… and yet, I still keep going and fighting. I am stronger than I think. I have been really trying to fight this eating disorder and I must say… I am doing AMAZING. And to all the girls out there fighting one as well.. YOU ARE TOO!

YOU'RE AMAZING. You wake up each day too with this terrible voice and yet, you still keep fighting to recover! It's incredible the work we do. Most people think recovery from ED is simple… Just eat. Umm… it's far more complex than that! I mean, we have to retrain ourselves to learn that food is OK, that it won't change our bodies over night or in just a matter of seconds. We have to learn it's ok to keep it in. That we truly can eat and still be beautiful! Regardless of our weight.

It's not easy relearning all of this. I've had a hell of a time trying to tell myself it's ok to keep food in and not purge. And I definitely still struggle with the whole "you won't gain weight over night" since every morning it looks like I've gained a pound or two. But really, I haven't. And even when the thought of it is SO STRONG, I keep going and eating. Of coarse I still struggle, people know this. I have days where I fall to the ground and cry my eyes out! But I KEEP GOING. And so many of the girls I know do too. Especially my AWH ladies! You girls are amazing! I've lived with you for months and have seen the struggles you deal with and what you've done to overcome is so extraordinary! I love seeing the progress of both myself and you! I am truly amazed at what we are capable of. Honestly, you are so much stronger than what yourself credit for.

I hope I don't sound conceded or crazy, but this is just something I had to share!

Keep fighting, ladies! And remember… "A challenge a day keeps the ED thought away!" (EDT Jen, lol)

WTF.

I am SUPER annoyed right now. My team has decided that there are too many trips happening for me in too short a time (which is true..) and that it isn't good for me and my health. So I won't be able to go to NJ :( I get to go to Maryland for my cousin's wedding, but I'm flying home the next day with my brother. Part of me is seeing that as a huge relief since I think it'll be best for me right now. My team agrees that a shorter trip there is also what's best. I am sad that now I have to call my nana and poppop and break the news to them :/ I know it's going to make them super sad. I just hope they understand that this is for my mental health.

But now my team isn't supporting NH. That my friends, is just not okay. I talked about it today and stuff with my therapist and she said she doesn't think it's such a good idea for a lot of reasons. But if I buckle down and really work hard at this she might support it and let me go. I mean, well, ultimately they can't stop me from going, but I don't want to go and do something my treatment team doesn't support… I want to feel like they believe I can do it and CAN do it. So starting right now, I am going to really kick this eating disorders arse and getting myself on track. I am going to follow my meal plan (at least 85%) and I am not going to purge or exercise. I am going to prove to them that 7 days away from home seeing friends is OKAY for me and I can do it.

I have been wanting to go to NH for years now and now I have the opportunity and I don't want to cancel. It would break my heart and I know it would break my BFF's if I had to tell her I can't come. I can't do that. Plus, I'm not going to let ED take something else away from me. 

I'm just so fed up! I want to be able to go to both places but I have to make decisions for my heath. Which is super sucky, but I know it's only for the better. My eating disorder had been loud and yes I have been using symptoms a lot lately, but I think NH is a super great motivation to work hard! And even after the trip because I don't want to have to lose anything else due to this illness. I want to do things normally and I want to see people. ED will not take that from me!

So please pray for me and for help with fighting against ED and the ability to go to both places! 

xxx

New Hampshire & New Jersey

So in like three weeks I go to New Jersey and then a week and a half after I get back I fly out to New Hampshire. I am terrified. I am stoked to go to both places. First off, for New Jersey because I love being with my family and I ADORE weddings… :) And New Hampshire because I get to see people I haven't seen since I was about 13 and 15! But guess who is interfering though with my excitement? Ed. All morning today I have been panicking because I looked in the mirror and oh my gosh I saw something I did not want to see. Well, first off, every time I look in the mirror that happens, but today I just began to panic because what if when I go on vaca to both these places I GAIN weight? Or what if the people I see think I'm too fat to have an eating disorder? Stupid fears, I know. But for me they're real and they scare me to death. Vacations mean eating out, eating a lot, and doing things on a whim. ALL THINGS THAT SCARE ME. I want to be able to eat and just forget about it but how on earth do I do that? ED is so loud these days. I know I've been trying to be more positive with like writing affirmations to myself and totally covering up certain mirrors in my house (I need to completely cover the ones in my room…). But he just keeps throwing new things at me. New Hampshire is a super important trip for me. I have waited so long to go back and I am super excited for the people I'm going to see. But part of me wants to just cancel because what if I have panic attacks or something? What if I freak out and just shut down? I don't want my trip to be that way. I want to be care free and enjoy the time. I know I'm not going to cancel the trip… that would just let ED win. But I need to just figure out how I'm going to deal if any of those things happen. I don't want to upset people or make them uncomfortable… that's something I fear also. But I need to make sure my needs are getting met too. It will be my first time going on a vacation with an actual meal plan and stuff too. I haven't been on vacation since I started treatment. So to follow it seems hard. What if I have to eat something that isn't at the right time or why if I have to move things around and I completely screw everything up? UGH. Right now ED is telling me to lose as much as I can before both trips to keep myself from gaining a lot. This I know is a poor idea and won't work since IOP is monitoring my weight and if I lose there will be a meeting to discuss that and I don't want that. Been there done that. I just need my mind to shut up. I need ED to go away. I want to stop being this way! WHERE IS THE MAGIC PILL?!

It has now been

10 days since I have given up my scale 0__o It has been hard, excruciating and painful. It was extremely hard when I went to see my dietician yesterday for the first time since giving it up and knowing it was hidden in the office somewhere… It's even harder knowing that at any given time I can ask for it back. So I have to just keep reminding myself of the pain the scale brought me and how much I don't want it to have such a hard hold on me. My eating disorder is furious obviously with the fact that I won't take it back. But I have been told it's good to piss ED off! lol IOP is going well. Although today was HARD. We had to make our own grilled cheese sandwich and I had a mini panic attack during the process. I had an even bigger panic attack after eating it and was shaking. I haven't had that happen since I was in the house… But I was just so scared. Grilled cheeses are super super hard for me and the fact that I had eaten one and not purged it was so hard to comprehend afterwards that I wanted to just bolt out of the room screaming. Of coarse I didn't do that… I cried instead. IOP has been super helpful and everything, but oh my goodness it is hard! SO SO HARD. I have cried on the drive there almost every day now because I get so scared of what they're going to serve us or what's going to be brought up and processed… I just get nervous and extremely anxious. I am glad though that I get to be in the program and that I am going despite ED constantly telling me to just call in sick or something… I am working hard! I won't give up. I just need some kicks in then butt to really challenge myself in some certain areas. That's all :)

Really Nervous...

So, tomorrow I give up my scale.

I am super super scared to do this and I am freaking out. I feel like this should be easy since this is the 4th scale I will be giving up, but it's still just as hard. I know I need to stop buying scales and to not focus on a number so much, but it's what my ED really holds on to. Having a number to go by everyday is SUPER important to it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I need to put my faith and trust in my team and to know they would NEVER let me spiral out of control, but ED keeps saying "All they wanna do is make you fat, fat, FAT!"

I don't know what I'm going to do now when I wake up each morning. My routine is to wake up, go potty, and weight myself…. now I'll go potty and be lost with what to do next 0__o

I need some suggestions. I know I could go eat breakfast, and I will. Breakfast is usually a simple meal for me and I can most times get through it. What I need to something to do afterwards too! Something to get my mind off the fact that I don't have a number and I don't know and won't know how much I weigh. I mean, I could always talk to my team about being open with my weight but we tried that while I was at the house and I ended up crying in my room for two hours refusing to go to programming. So I don't know…

I just really am scared. And it's embarrassing to know this is the fourth scale… like, dude…. how much money did I waste?! I mean, to ED it's not a waste of money but to Kelly, it is… I could have bought cute glam clothes! UGH.

Please pray for me and for peace around this big event for me. I am terrified.