It's been a rough

couple few days :/ Went out to eat dinner last night and I kind of over did it I think… I ate some key lime pie and all night I felt so horrible about myself.

But today I ate a bagel (= And this is huge since bagels are one of the BIGGEST fear foods of mine. So that my friends, is something big. But now I have this whole week of just me and my dad and I'm alone all day which makes it super hard (can't seem to find a stink in' job!) and I am worried that I might get out of hand while being home. I am planning on going out and doing things (hopefully. I like to isolate….) and keeping myself occupied. I do need summer clothes but I'm too scared to buy clothes but at the same time am desperate :/ UGH. IDK. I feel like a wreck.

I just don't want to end up using symptoms now that no one is home during the day :/ It's like a wide open invitation, people -___- Ed is screaming at me!

Well. I'm going to do my best.

Thanks for reading this, if you did… which if you're reading this then you did… so thanks.

I'mma go play with my hair now.

challenges.

I think I'm over doing it with the challenges :/ I'm going out to lunch AND dinner today with both friends….

I'm kind of scared since I normally NEVER eat out (totally against ED's rules…) but I really wanna see these friends and I know I can't just go "Oh, oops… just kidding. Not coming anymore! Don't wanna go against ED's rules…"

UGH. I just wanna be a normal human being and go out and have fun! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?!

Well, I'm going to pray that this all goes well.

PANCAKES!

Oh hai there…

GUESS WHAT I DID THIS MORNING?

I challenged myself to making some pancakes and then eating them! Oh yes I did.

So today was my last day of IDP

at the AWH and I thought I was okay with it until it was actually time to go home :/ But I realize that I am terrified out of my minnnddd. I was scared to walk out the door. I knew it would be my last time (hopefully) and that scared me.

I guess it's just scary to know that my level support is gone and I no longer have like EDTS or w/e to check in with everyday. It's a sucky feeling knowing that you no longer belong to a place. I'm weirdly going to miss it :/ I am however glad to be gone and done. I mean, I think I've learned what I can and I have gotten what I can from there.

It's just nerve racking because my ED is so loud and immediately wants to go back to symptom use. UGH. It just won't shut up! I hate it. But I'm going to do my best to stick to my meal plan and to do what I need to do in order to get better and not worse.

There's really not much else to say. So I'm gonna go now.

Bedtime now.

Hey friends!

So, there's not too much to talk about tonight. This post is mainly dedicated to those who I'd like to thank for being there for me (=

HUGS AND KISSES FOR YA'LL =D

Honestly though…. you all have been so important in this whole recovery process.

I have lost a few friends during this time of recovery, but to those of you who stayed by my side, thank you. Thank you so much. I realize that for some this all was a bit much to handle and honestly I don't blame some of the people who left for leaving. This illness is hard and really does change a person. I know I have been hard to deal with this past year of my recovery, and I was hard to deal with while in my ED before recovery.

I guess there was one loss that hurt the most and that loss can never be brought back. I won't say who, but I'm sure you all know.

This loss was one of the hardest I ever had to face. This person has said a lot of hurtful things to me in the past few months, and honestly, after receiving a letter from them, I realized how shallow they really were. They said I "Changed too much" when really, I just stopped living life their way. I'm living life my way. Whether it's healthy or not, it's my life. I don't need to live it any other way than my own. Yeah, some of my choices are not the brightest, but ya know what? We live and we learn.

This person also made the point that they were some how better because they were able to be 'smart' about their choices and I wasn't. The fact that I decided to start purging was apparently a sin to them and because they at least talked to their doctor about weight loss and doing it the 'healthy' way made them better than me.

Well guess what? I.DONT.CARE. I know I made unhealthy choices. I know I continue to make them. But I'm glad. I glad I ended up in the Anna Westin House. Why? Because I didn't just gain knowledge on my ED, but also on forever life skills. I gained and learned SO MUCH that will benefit me for the rest of my life. Like for example, DBT… we all need that! It has SAVED ME. It is some of the greatest stuff ever and if I had never gone to AWH, I would never had gained the skills of DBT!

Another thing this person said was that ED tore them apart from me. That may be. But look at all the people who ED didn't tear apart from me. Those are the people I want in my life. They looked beyond my ED and saw the real me. They never gave up. They stood beside me and didn't judge me.

And yeah, my first time at AWH, I didn't care what I did or didn't do. But honestly, who goes in to treatment all ready and prepared to give up something they've relied on for SO LONG?! Umm.. not me… and not anyone else I know. So I don't need to hear "I wasn't impressed with your first time at the AWH" because ya know what? I know how I was and I know what I did and did not do. But at least I had the balls to go back and do it right a second time.

I think I'm doing great. I think I'm really making progress. And yes, there will be slip ups, no ones perfect, but at least I'm doing something about my issues.

So to the person who wrote this letter to me, here is my response:

Our friendship is over. You decided it, not me. I was there the entire time trying to talk to you and work things out when you constantly pushed me away. But now I'm done. So stop writing to me. If you really don't want to be friends, then stop. I don't need to hear what you have to say because none of it means a thing to me. The only words that matter are those that come from my true friends.

I'm done here.

Interesting week

this has been.

Since I left the house I went without purging, but then last weekend my parents had a Mardi Gras party and it ended up with me using symptoms :'( But ya know what? It's ok. I slipped up, it happens, and I'm no a week free of purging! The main issue is struggling with restriction and exercise. I need some support around that :/

Body image has been down the drain recently…. I've been having a rough time with that :( Which really sucks. I checked in with an EDT about it and like I've been told over a thousand times, body image is the last to go…. UGH. I wish I could be the first.

POSITIVE MOMENT THOUGH :D I challenged myself with eating two beignets my brother made tonight. It was hard as Hell, and dude I wanted to purge SO BAD, but I did it!

So that's an accomplishment. And even though it's hard to accept, I'm at least half accepting it. SO YEAH.

I guess the only real down down DOOOOWWNNN part to all of this is that I was recently told something that really brought me down and I wanted to use symptoms. It's bothering me so much and it's making ED really loud. He's taking this and having a party in my head, man. It's really aggravating and exhausting and I hope it all stops. I hate how people and things they do can really have such a huge impact on my ED :/ Well, I just need to do my best to just keep myself under control as best I can. It's all I can do.

So next week is my last week of IDP and I'm kind of nervous :/ I don't want it to end but at the same time I do…. well, ED wants it to…. A LOT. He wants to gain all control back… ugh. IDK anymore. I'm just frustrated and so annoyed.

This week has really been a drag...

First, ED has been really loud and obnoxious, and second, DAVY PASSED AWAY.

WHY IN THE HECK DID THAT HAVE TO HAPPEN? I mean… seriously… of all the people in the WHOLE WORLD!? DAVY? DAAAAAAVY?!

I didn't eat after I found out, that's how hard I took it. Which, obviously, made ED happy. I suppose I was both in ED symptoms and mourning mode :/ I mean, one of my FAVE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND WHO WAS BASICALLY A PART OF MY EVERY MORNING (I listen to The Monkees every morning… haters gonna hate) IS NOW GONE x___X And on top of all of this sadness for Davy, ED is like louder than Hell. He's all up in my face 24 hours a day yelling at me.

I did do one momentous thing though…. I gave up my diet pills yesterday to an EDT… so that is pretty good. Even though now I'm going nuts and wishing I hadn't because I'm now in panic mode. (Gawd I sound messed up. Sorry.)

I'm in a rough spot. ED is loud, Davy is gone, my mind is a giant clusterf---- and I can't seem to calm down.