Well look who's back!

Life is pretty confusing at the moment….. So, first I'm told I am not allowed to go in to programs for a while since my team feels like I'm in a rough place, which I am, and so they decided I should just hang out in outpatient. So, this was frustrating to hear for KELLY and awesome to hear for ED.

Anyway. I'm chillin' Friday afternoon when my therapist calls and tells me there's an immediate opening at the house and wants me to go….

So I thought about it…..

And I told her I'd do it, despite how I felt kinda thrown around and being told something different every week (gash everything has been so CONFUSING). So I called the admit person for the house and told her my therapist called yadeyada and that I was confused. I had to leave it in a message of coarse because she was out of the office that day -_____- ugh. So all weekend my nerves have been going nuts and I'm so scared to hear from her. I know it'll prob be tomorrow and I hope it is since I can't stand this anymore! I just want something to happen! I feel like I just wait and wait….

Well, I'm just glad they are allowing me to go back. It prob will be short stay since I don't think they really want me there. That's the vibe I was getting :/ Like, I left for 6 months, and now I'm going back…. they'll prob gimme like 30 days and then kick me out. Ugh. I'm sure I'll go in with a set discharge date, which will help, but also stress me out. I do HORRIBLE on time limits. But I need to kick some butt and do this!

I just wish I could go back for at least 2 months so I can really go deep. I know last time I had 5 months to do that, and I didn't use it to my full advantage… but I wasn't even fully sure I wanted to recover.

I KNOW I WANT TO RECOVER. I DO I DO I DO. I don't want my mom crying when she looks at me. I don't want friends looking at me weird (I see when you guys look….). I feel like everyone's watching me and just…. I don't know…. it's awkward.

Anyway. If anyone DOES read this, please pray for me. I need it badly. Danke!