I survived

Thanksgiving!

I had no purging what so ever! It was hard as heck! But I did it! And it feels weird 0__o It's hard to feel proud of myself, but I do feel somewhat proud.... I mean, heck, I had to sit with TOTAL discomfort and millions of thoughts going through my head. It was torture, but I did my best to engage in conversation. I think I did ok. I was pretty lost during the actual meal though. I was in my head and don't really remember anything that was said :/ But I did better during dessert :) My friend came over and she helped keep me grounded. That helped A LOT. We even did Black Friday shopping :D

I'm just glad this holiday is over... now it's time to prepare for Christmas.... I need lots of prayer surrounding that. I'm nervous and scared, but I'm going to try my hardest to be as symptom free as possible!

Thanks to everyone who did call or text me on Thanksgiving for support and words of comfort. It meant the WORLD to me <3 I love you all! xo

oh my glob....

Thanksgiving is just days away and I am LITERALLY freaking out.

I don't even know what I am going to do... a whole day surrounded by food and people... it's making my eating disorder scared out of it's mind. All it wants to do is eat as much as I can, and then use symptoms... which is NOT a good thing to do since family will be everywhere and watching me to make sure I DON'T do that. Which is frustrating since I don't want food police everywhere, but I also don't want to be binging and purging all day.

IDK what to do. I talked a bit to my mom last night on how she can support me and help me through this, but my eating disorder is so sneaky and vicious... it always finds a way to get away with symptom use.

And it's not just thanksgiving I'm freaking out about. I mean, my family is coming day and we're going out places all day long which means EATING AT RESTAURANTS 0___O which is one of the SCARIEST things in the world to me.

I hate how the Holidays, which should be fun and enjoyable, have to be so stressful for me :( I just want to enjoy people's company and the food that is going to be around... but I just can't. It's just impossible.

UGH. I hate that I was cursed with this illness. It really is taking my life away from me. I've become nothing.

How do you

eat normally?

When I am out and about, I look around and I just see people eating and laughing... they don't even give a second thought to what they're eating....

I want to do that. I want to wake up and eat breakfast without label checking, making sure it's under a certain amount of calories.... I just want to eat! I hate how I feel I need to starve all day in order to feel better about myself and then if I, GOD FORBID eat anything, I need to purge.

I just thought a lot about it today. I'm just getting frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED. I can now see how abnormal I am around food. I am WEIRD. I would hate to be with me in public when there's food around.

And recently, I have put A LOT of thought in to Thanksgiving 0___o Oh my gosh am I scared.... scared out of my mind. I am praying to God is goes well.

See, another thing. Another thing I can't just ENJOY. I have to plan days in advance of how I'm going to AVOID food, eat the least, how I'm gonna use symptoms.... you'd think being in recovery this would be SO much easier :'/ Ugh. I know it takes time.... I'm just getting inpatient :'(

Sorry, I just REALLY needed to get that out.

I Can't Help But Think...

that I did something terribly wrong to deserve all of this. It feels sort of like punishment. This whole eating disorder feels like punishment. As if I did something SO BAD that the world threw this disorder at me for torture.

I just can't figure out why and how this all happened. It's confusing and annoying! I wish there was just some way to fix this and make everything better.

And it just makes it all the worse with what happened this week. This whole week has been like a scene from a stupid soap opera. I feel like this is all some sort of joke and one of these says someone will pop out and be like "SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" and tell me this whole situation is a J-O-K-E.

Apparently the plan, well, from what I heard so far, is that I will do a mindfulness based IOP (intensive out patient) program :/ Hardly seems like enough but hey, I'm done arguing. I'm done trying to get to where I feel I need to be. Apparently since I'm the disordered one I can't make decisions for myself.... so I just need to listen to the 'experts' and let them toss me where they want.

I just find it hard to put my trust in them right now. After how it feels like they se out a trap and waited for me to fall in to it! JEEZ.

Well, I'm just going to to surrender and let them take charge.

I've run out of energy.

These days have been a real drag....

Well, I'm no longer in IDP and I am no longer going to the house.

It's a long story, but basically this is how my entire day went today:

Howdy

I feel so disconnected lately with everyone in my group... :/

I notice after we finnish a meal and I go to check in, I really don't know or have anything to say. I purposely disconnect from the food while I eat because to my ED it's a sin to eat and to enjoy the food.... so the only way to get through it is to ignore it and eat mechanically.....

It's gotten frustrating, I must say. I hate the feeling. I used to check in so deeply with my thoughts and feelings and now I'm just this zombie who eats and doesn't feel emotions or anything!

I WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONS!

I think I just get too scared. And half the time the things I wanna say are totally not appropriate because it'll prob. trigger the other girls in group and I don't wanna do that. And it sucks because I don't get to see my individual therapist until December! 0___o Like, how am I supposed to go on that long?! I will have a therapist while in the house, but it's a short stay, so what on earth will I be able to get deep in to?

I just feel lost. I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do after the House and where I'm gonna go and what school is gonna look like... !@#$%# SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I miss those 5 months in the house the first time where all I needed to worry about was recovery and forget the outside world for a bit and work on myself. I now feel like I need to just accept that I have an eating disorder, which fully runs my life, and go to school and add on that stress. Which is dangerous since my purging is how I deal with my stress! And so is restriction. UGH. IT FEELS LIKE A NO WIN SITUATION.

I know, and have known, that one day I'd need to go back in to the world and face it head on... it's just, it's hard when your ED is so dang loud and all you wanna do is scream and cry! Honestly, I want to lay on the floor and cry! I want to punch walls! KICK SHINS! I feel so stressed. I just wish that eating disorders could be fixed asap so people can continue their lives. I just don't want to have a repeat of my first semester of college last year where all I did was use symptoms! I failed all my classes cause of it! UGH.

Well, I will figure this out. I will. It will all work out in God's plans. Yes.

What is going down....

Ok, so I had my case management last Thursday and I was told I'd be going back to the Anna Westin House for about 4 weeks (symptom interruption) and then I'd leave and do some DBT (dialectal Behavioral Therapy) coarses...

I'm a little nervous to know my stay this time won't be as long... Although, I wouldn't want to stay for 5 months again (whOaoaoaOAoa....) but yeah. It'll be a fast little stay, which to me sounded stupid, but my team says it's a good idea :/ I just need to trust them I guess.... which is something I really struggle with.

I just want ED to GO. AWAY.

I'm just nervous as to when I'll be in the house again. I met with the intake person 1 week ago and she said the wait was about 2 weeks... I highly doubt I'll be in there by Thanksgiving.... I'm sure it'll be after.

WHICH I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FOR THANKSGIVING. Ugh. Talk about stress and your ED getting louder... UGH. This is going to be hard this year since everyone (besides my parents) know what I'm dealing with :/ Lots of eyes will probably be on me. Well, whatever... that's life. That's recovery.

That's all for now. I'll try to be more good with updating. I don't even know if people read this anymore 0___o

FAIL.