Tangled Tuesday

So.... juuuustt so everyone knooowss.......

TANGLED COMES OUT ON DVD TODAY.

It's kind of a BIG deal.

I'm twirling like Rapunzel with joy XD

Anyway. Sorry I didn't update for a while. The past weeks have been SUPER HARD. I was going through a lot of depression and kind of isolating myself. I had no motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. I get that a lot. I'm so annoyed with myself. My Eating Disorder is so loud in my head and I can't get it to shut up.

I had my weekend pass taken away last weekend because I had used symptoms and got caught. Also, I had a panic attack in the bathroom during dinner last week and because of it I wasn't allowed to go to Target (we go every Tuesday) and I was SO ANGRY. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to control a panic attack? I replaced my dinner with a Boost... it's not like I skipped and didn't replace.

UGH. Just makes me mad. The rules kind of suck here....

But the weekend was okay. Saturday I got in arguments with the staff and I ended up in my room just giving them the silent treatment (so mature, right?). I had another panic attack at lunch that day and ended up crying. Ugh. Then later that night I got in trouble for doing a physical activity with the Wii and I ended up crying. WTF? I'm so emotional.

Sunday I went home for 4 hours, and I got to see Kiwi! <33333 IT WAS AMAZING. She was purring and I was just smiling :D IT WAS SO WONDERFUL.

Anyway.. I have to go to snack so this all the update I have for now.

Thanks again to those who write letters to me! I will respond someday! I PROMISE. I just am so busy here.... I'm sorry :'(

Meeep.

I've been on bed rest all day. I have a terrible fever and keep having horrible cold sweats. I am so miserable.

So I was pulled out of programming all day today. I'm feeling some what better, but still have a head ache and crap.

They say it's prob. a bug or my body just going through the changes of my eating disorder :(

Two days ago we had quite the scare. I had a terrible pain in my heart and I couldn't walk or breathe for a few minutes. But I'm ok. I'm alive.

Anyway. I had a tough weekend. I got caught using symptoms and got my weekend pass taken away. I cried. I hate myself and how I always give in to ED.

Why can't ED just go away? I feel like this is all so hopeless. I know God is going to heal me, but I feel so far from ever being normal again.

I just want my mommy and daddy right now :'(

HOLY FUDGE MONKEY CRACKERS

Ok. So I'm pissed off.

So yesterday I was told my weight dropped rapidly and so they increased my meal plan.

I cried for a full hour.

Then today I was told my weight dropped rapidly even MORE, so now my meal plan is increased even MORE.

I looked at them like this:

And then I basically burst in to tears like this:

And then I basically did this:

I'm so angry and upset. Well, ED is... Kelly is just so confused on what the heck she wants. I want recovery, but I also want the comfort of my eating disorder. It's SO HARD to let go. It's been my coping mechanism for 8 years

But I'm working at my best effort to conquer this illness. One step at a time.

So I moved to a Level 1

Which means I have to have my door open ALL THE TIME. When I pee, shower, sleep, anytime. I HATE IT.

I'm really struggling with self image today (what else is new? pfffft.) But I have a snack in 17 minutes and I don't wanna go. UGH. After that I have Body Esteem group. I like that group.

I also get to see my 'rents tonight :D And some of my friends are coming to visit me this weekend!

OOHH!! And one of EDT's (Eating Disorder Technicians) planned a Beatlemania weekend for just us two XD We're gonna watch Help!

And just jam to the fab four XD WOO HOOO! :) BEST.THING.EVER. I'm excited. My depression has been real bad and so this will lift me up (=

Also we had a lunch outing yesterday and I ended up panicking in the restaurant and sobbing. I just freak out at restaurants... it was so emberassing... people were giving me weird looks like this:

whateva. I lived. So... that's good. I'm praying today keeps going good! :D

And once again, thanks for the mail! I will try to get back to everyone REALLY SOON. I hardly ever have time to myself. UGH. But just always know that I appreciate it all so muuuuuch!