One Year Free Of...

Wait for it.... PURGING

It took a lot of hard work and constantly reminding myself of what I want for myself. I never thought that the day would come that I would be able to say I went an entire year without purging. The one year mark is around July 6th.... so it's not a full year yet.... but it's around the corner. It's been a long journey getting to this place and I know I still have a ways to go but I can at least say that I have conquered one of my symptoms. It no longer has control over me. Yes, the urges do still come but I am able to distract myself or tell myself that it's not worth it. Purging is awful and it only gives temporary relief. It may help you to cope with whatever is it you're going through or help to make you feel in control... but in the long run it's a slow spiral down. It literally took me to the point of complete in utter darkness. I felt alone and out of control. I could't go a single day without it. It was what my life revolved around. I am honestly glad I no longer feel so run by it. I don't have to have escape plans from dinner tables or parties.... I can eat and have the emotions and still feel what I do but I don't have to act on it. I can sit and remind myself that the full feeling will pass and purging is not a permanant weight loss tool. Besides, even though body image is still a huge struggle, I can talk about it more and find the support I need. Restricting and other symptoms are still there and I still need to overcome them. But I cannot express how wonderful (and terrifying) it is to know that I am free (as long I continue to keep fighting!) from purging. I hope that anyone out there who is struggling with this symptom is able to find it in themselves to know that even thought it may feel as if you will never be able to overcome it, and trust me... I get totally understand that feeling. II thought I would never overcome it! But I have proven to myself and to my eating disorder that I AM strong enough to overcome whatever it is that is trying to destroy me. And so can you. So keep the faith and always remind yourself of the desires of your heart. You're on this earth to make a difference and do great things. In front of mirrors and on scales are not where you belong <3

Purge Free and Today is Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! So, I have been five months purge free! It's amazing how far I've come! This is the longest I have ever gone in years! Even in residential I never went this long! When I was asked how I did it, I did some thinking. I have realized that by using DBT I have really been able to use my skills to keep myself from purging, self harming, weighing myself, body checking, etc... I am truly amazed at how far I have come. I never ever thought I could ever go this long! I mean, I get urges and everything but I have gotten really good at using the DBT skills. In fact, I will share with you the exact skills I use most to help me :)

1.) Urge Surfing: Observe and describe your current emotion and current thoughts. No judgements. I try to sometimes visualize myself on a wave "riding out" the urges to use symptoms to not giving in.
2.) Radical Acceptance: Accept what is. Decide to accept and tolerate the moment. The acceptance allows you to move on. Remember, just because you're accepting it doesn't mean you agree with or like the situation.
3.) Distract: Do some activities! I like to do some drawing, watch a show, and sometimes talking to someone can help too. I try to do some pushing away too. I have a box where I write down my current worries and fears and I stick them in the box. I try to let it go and not think about it now. Sensation helps too! I would usually self harm when I was in distress. While in treatment I've learned some ways that give you sensation without hurting yourself. I throw ice balloons and hold ice in my hand and stress balls are a miracle!
4.) Improve The Moment: THIS ONE WORKS WONDERS. I try to pray, relax, use imagery, and I try to do one thing in the moment. I just focus on what I am doing in the moment. I don't worry about the future or the past. 5.) Wise Mind: There are two minds: Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. Wise mind is being able to kind of like check the facts. Emotion mind is when you're really upset and you let your emotions control you. I always try to check in with myself and see where I am. What is my wise mind saying? After a lot of practice it is easier to distinguish the two. It can be hard sometimes and I mix up the two but I try to listen and see which voice sounds 'reasonable'.
So yeah! Those are the skills I use most. They help me SO SO So much. I mean, restricting is still a little bit of an issue but I'm really happy that purging is now low. It's really freeing. Of coarse my eating disorder tells me I have less control and I'm going to gain weight like crazy but I check in with my wise mind and I try to see the reality of that thought.
So, today is Halloween! I am being hipster Ariel and I am quite excited :) I hope I win the contest at work! hehe! We shall see XD Anywho.... that's all for now! Bye! xx

New Hampshire 2013

Well, I returned home last night from NH :( It was the saddest day of my life. I seriously did NOT want to leave. I mean, don't get me wrong... I do like MN. I had some great experiences here and I have good friends but I truly feel like I just belong on NH. The whole week I was there I was the happiest I have been in moooonnttthhhsss. It was so great! I followed my meal plan pretty well, got to be with my friends whom I love to death and got to see someone who is very special to me. I just hate that I only get to see these people like once every year. And who knows if I'll get to go next summer?! I just want to move out there. But my parent's don't agree and yadeda! But like, I'm going to be 22 next month.... I feel like I should go... like... leave... do something with my life! I feel like I'm doing really well with all the eating disorder stuff. I really do! And I think that maybe it's time I start my life somewhere else! The only thing holding me back, well the two things, are Kiwi and Kathryn. I LOVE MY CAT TO DEATH AND KATHRYN IS THE GREATEST PERSON EVER. Ugh. I don't know what to do :/ This is how I feel....

Update!! :D

Well, it's been a while! Umm.. well... A couple weeks ago I ended IOP and am now just doing outpatient and weekly DBT group. IOP was no longer an option for me since I wasn't following guidelines as best as I could. I was just really struggling. Anyway, I am now just talking with my dietician and therapist on what to do next with treatment. I think maybe a little break to just think things through should help. It's not that I don't want to recover or anything, it's just hard to be pro-recovery all the tiiimmeee.... The voices in my heard are so darn loud :/ UGGHH.

New Hampshire is in a few weeks! I'm SUPER stoked for that! It'll be so nice to be back in the East Coast with my friends <3 Me and my friend I am staying with are going to have SO MUCH FUN! EEEE!!

Umm... there's nothing else to really say. I guess I'll try to update more though. I guess I just don't want to let people in as much recently. But I know I need to keep myself open and let my support people in. Without you guys I wouldn't be able to keep fighting as hard as am! You guys remind me of my hopes and dreams and that recovery is possible! <3 Love you all!!!