Hey there!
So yesterday was EXTREMELY HARD. The outing was at Pinstripes. It was fun and all, but it was so hard to eat the food. Especially dessert. I was so full from the pizza and salad that I just could NOT eat another bite. ED got loud and omg I wanted to purge SO BAD. When we came back from the outing of coarse I cried :/ I told my group how I felt and it was relieving to get it out but I just felt so exhausted from the day and all the emotions that came up. I don't think people fully get how hard it is for me to go in public and eat. I tried to explain that to my mom last night but she just didn't understand. Oh well. Whatever.
I'm trying to stay positive for today. I know it's going to be a challenging day due to how I feel right now but I'm working on trying to get those feelings out to the group and working on them with them. I've been kind of holding back a bit and keeping all the hard stuff inside because I feel like sometimes I can get really negative :/ But yesterday I was asked to just express my feelings fully and be where I needed to be. It felt good but it also felt crappy.
I just wish all of this could go away. I fight so hard and I do all that I can but sometimes I just feel like nothing is worth it. ED just is so.. so... persistent and I HATE IT! I want a break. I want ED to just go on vaca and leave me alone.
It now has been twenty something days purge free... which is anxiety provoking but also makes me kind of proud. It's been hard to go that long. Especially last night after dinner I wanted to purge but then my group wanted to walk out to our cars together (I bet they knew I was going to... ugh.) and so I just decided to not make any pit stops on the way home and just go home... straight there. And I did and by the time I got home it was too late to purge so I just distracted myself with other activities.
I pray today goes better and the meals aren't too hard. I know I got this but sometimes I feel so helpless :(
Kelly, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you...and you should be SOOOOOOOOOO proud of yourself. My psychiatrist at the Emily Program said if your not uncomfortable - you probably are not doing the work. You are fighting. I know the feeling of just wanting the fight to be over. Don't give into purging. Keep distracting. Keep feeling those feelings. It will ALL be SOOOO worth it when you finally recover. I am so proud of you. I wish I could hug you right now. Your not alone in this....I know fighting ED gets really tiring....Sometimes I say "I am so sick of fighting"!!!! And I get how other people don't get how going out in public and eating is so hard. I FREAKED out at all the outings we went to when I was in IDP at St Louis Park....but you know what - You did it - and its over - another hurdle over...and you expressed your feelings and felt them!!! Try to self soothe if you can - a nice hot bath....anything you love to do....Hugs....Carolyn
ReplyDeleteThanks, hun (= And I love that saying that if you're not uncomfortable you're not doign the work! It's so true!
ReplyDeleteKeep u[ the good work yourself! We got this! xx