It's 1:40 am and I can't sleep. I feel hopeless right now. I feel heartbroken and defeated. I don't even know what to do. I feel like, in this moment, that I want to give up. I haven't felt like this in so long but all of a sudden I feel like just falling to the ground and surrendering to whatever in this universe wants me to suffer. I feel like my pain has been getting so much greater these past few days. I don't know how to describe it but I feel so hurt and ashamed of being me. I wanted to tear everything down in my room and just burn it. I can't stand looking at the person I am. I feel so sad. So sad. It actually makes my chest hurt.
There's a lot going on inside me right now and I don't know who to go to to talk to about it. Should I even try to talk? I feel like I do and nothing changes. The pain just gets worse.
NH is in a few weeks and I am scared out of my mind. I don't even know why. Well, part of me knows, but the other half is just confused.
What's going on with me?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Am I Doing This Right?
So while having dinner this evening my Dad and I were discussing my treatment and it seems like he's getting frustrated with me. He kept asking if the program was working, how long I'd be in it, la de da de da… it just seemed like he was kind of like "Are you ready to move on yet?" He even said to me that it's been two years and like how much longer do I need it? I told him I didn't know how long I'd be in IOP or anything but I did make it clear that it's helping! I mean, people stay in eating disorder treatment for years… this isn't some easy fix. He then was like "What goals are you setting?" and so I told him and he didn't seem too impressed. I think he wanted something more than "To eat night time snack at least 3x this week."
Then the big thing came… school.
I shut down right there and then. Every time school is mentioned I just shut down. I want to go back, God only knows how much! But I just feel like I'm not quite there… I'm more there than I was a few months ago! But right now it just seems more of an eating disorder type thing to want to go back. I know it prob will always be and I just need to learn to not let it be. (what I mean by that is that going back means freedom and the ability to just relapse with no one there to see…)
Anyway, so we discussed school and I just said I was applying to some schools but hadn't sent in the applications yet but I will be when I'm ready and for sure know when I want to go back. Of coarse he seemed upset by this but he just kind of got up and walked away…. which he does when he wants to say something but knows it will only upset the person he's going to say it to. So now I wanna know what he was intending to say but know it's prob best I don't….
The purpose of this post is to freaking try and figure out if I am taking too long or am going too slow at this whole recovery process?! I feel like everyone looks at me like some giant disappointment! I feel so useless in this world and it sucks. I mean, no job, no school, no boyfriend, hardly any friends left it seems and parents who are just down right frustrated with me is a hard everyday thing to have to live with.
I sit here watching all my friend's live their lives and do such wonderful things and here I am going to treatment everyday sitting in a room expressing my deep feelings and emotions and eating food that frankly I don't want a f*ck to deal with and it seems everyone thinks I'm in some day care where they feed me and it's so easy. Well it's not. It's effin' hard and I hate doing it everyday. And after almost two years of it I feel like I should move on and do something else but I just need to realize that this is what I need right now and that's all that matters. But I constantly feel like my parents think this is something so easy and they just don't get why when I come home everyday I'm so exhausted! Well, I'd like them to try to tell their deepest secrets and feelings to people. They should try making themselves vulnerable and giving up coping mechanisms that make you feel like nothing in the world can harm you and everything is going to be ok because you have those coping mechanisms. THIS IS HARD SHIT. I HATE EATING. EATING IS THE WORST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. And yet, we need to do it to survive (dammit). I don't know what's going on with me right now. bye.
Then the big thing came… school.
I shut down right there and then. Every time school is mentioned I just shut down. I want to go back, God only knows how much! But I just feel like I'm not quite there… I'm more there than I was a few months ago! But right now it just seems more of an eating disorder type thing to want to go back. I know it prob will always be and I just need to learn to not let it be. (what I mean by that is that going back means freedom and the ability to just relapse with no one there to see…)
Anyway, so we discussed school and I just said I was applying to some schools but hadn't sent in the applications yet but I will be when I'm ready and for sure know when I want to go back. Of coarse he seemed upset by this but he just kind of got up and walked away…. which he does when he wants to say something but knows it will only upset the person he's going to say it to. So now I wanna know what he was intending to say but know it's prob best I don't….
The purpose of this post is to freaking try and figure out if I am taking too long or am going too slow at this whole recovery process?! I feel like everyone looks at me like some giant disappointment! I feel so useless in this world and it sucks. I mean, no job, no school, no boyfriend, hardly any friends left it seems and parents who are just down right frustrated with me is a hard everyday thing to have to live with.
I sit here watching all my friend's live their lives and do such wonderful things and here I am going to treatment everyday sitting in a room expressing my deep feelings and emotions and eating food that frankly I don't want a f*ck to deal with and it seems everyone thinks I'm in some day care where they feed me and it's so easy. Well it's not. It's effin' hard and I hate doing it everyday. And after almost two years of it I feel like I should move on and do something else but I just need to realize that this is what I need right now and that's all that matters. But I constantly feel like my parents think this is something so easy and they just don't get why when I come home everyday I'm so exhausted! Well, I'd like them to try to tell their deepest secrets and feelings to people. They should try making themselves vulnerable and giving up coping mechanisms that make you feel like nothing in the world can harm you and everything is going to be ok because you have those coping mechanisms. THIS IS HARD SHIT. I HATE EATING. EATING IS THE WORST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. And yet, we need to do it to survive (dammit). I don't know what's going on with me right now. bye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)