So next Tuesday I start IOP (Intensive Out Patient). I had my intake today and after being told some of the expectations and what they expect out of group members, I kind of had a breakdown on the drive home :/ I cried all the way home.
I want to do this and I want to get better, I really do… but it's so hard when I feel so engrossed in my ED right now and all I wanna do is keep losing weight :/ But I know I can't. I can't live my life constantly trying to be thinner. That's not really a life. It's just so hard when all I ever see in the mirror is something I dislike SO MUCH.
I'm really scared I'm going to like get kicked out of group or something. Or like I will do everything wrong or mess up :/ UGH. IDK. I'm just freaking out! I just don't want to disappoint people… I feel like that's all I ever do…
I'm super scared of the eating there though. I eat so little as it is and now I have to eat full meals in group and I am SO SCARED of gaining like a billion pounds… I hate this. I really do.
Ok. Reality check here. Excuse me ed but I need to talk to the recovery minded Kelly who I know. You have eaten many full meals while telling ed where to go, right ? You have fought long and hard to WIN this battle. Ok, so ed has sucker punched you into submission once again, but that doesn't mean he has to be able to continue this abuse of your mind and your body, fight like a girl, Kelly. Fight like your life depends on it, cuz it does. I KNOW how hard it is and I'm not minimizing it in any way . And I know you can do this. That you have it in you to beat the hell out of ed and win. I KNOW this about you. Love ya, hon.
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