Actually… really nervous. I know I did a lot of hard work here and made a lot of changes, but I still feel like my ED is so strong! But I know it's my time to leave and to face the world….
………
I feel like avoiding everyone which I KNOW is wrong… It's just how I get :/ ED wants it to just be me and him again and I kind of do too…. It's hard to explain… and everyone will probably be mad. I mean… ED is like my BFF. Without him I feel like there's nothing left for me. He's been there with me for 9 years now and if I just threw him to the curb (Which I should) it would hurt too much. He's kind of like my… pacifier. A safety net. I'm so scared to do this. Even with doing IDP at the house for a month doesn't seem like enough. But I know I can't stay here forever, and God knows I don't want that! I mean, I am getting sick of eating ALL. DAY. LONG. I hate it!
I probably sound so anti-recovery :/ I'm sorry. This is just such a hard disease to fight.
Anyway. We'll see how things go outside of here and back at home (yay for Kiwi and seeing Kathryn! And my parents! lol). It will be a process…. a long one. Atleast I know that AWH isn't going anywhere and if years from now I need it, I can always go back. But I can tell you that I won't be back here any time soon and hopefully, the goal is, never again to come back.
Well, it's all in God's hands!
Kelly, I actually don't think you sound anti-recovery. I think you sound so strong and aware and real. It's not like time at the house "cures" ed or just makes it go away. You are still going to have to deal with it and also learn how to let it go and replace it with some new, healthy, kind pacifiers :). I'm so proud of the hard work you've done and I know you got this! I am going to demand to see you because you're probably going to want to isolate, so I'm just going to have to call you every 5 minutes until you finally agree to meet up :). You know you want to. Love you! - Jill
ReplyDeletehahaha, ilu, Jill (=
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