Well it's almost 2012!

I'm planning on partying all night long XD lol

Anyway. My room mate left this week and so I got a new one :/ She's kind of triggering cause she says really bad stuff…. but I just have to ignore her.

The holidays went ok. I went home Christmas Eve and got a lot of nice gifts <3

We had an outing yesterday and I had a terrible panic attack while at the restaurant. The waitress asked if they had done something to upset me and one of the EDTs was just like "It's all good, we got this".

UGH. I hate how I cry in public.

Merry Christmas Eve!

This week was pretty interesting.

Last night I found a bed bug on me...

Anyway. I got a meal plan increase and I have to start restoring weight :( I am not happy with it AT ALL. I know I had to do it last time I was here, but this time it just seems so much harder :'( I cried for a bit after being told.

I am just so terrified to gain weight. I knew I would have to, but omg… I'm just not liking this…

I get to go home on pass today to spend Christmas Eve with the familia :D I get to open muh gifts XD woo! Fun Fun!

I am nervous to have dinner with my family :/ Dinner is always hard.

BUT GUESS WHAT?!

I HAVE BEEN SYMPTOM FREE FOR 11 DAYS.

Just sayin' :D haha! It's hard to be proud but I am learning to accept that life is and will be better w/o symptoms. It's been hard to refrain…. super hard…. but I've been doing good. So I knew you all would be proud of that :)

Well, that's all I got for now.

Love you all! xxxx

Today was

full of emotions.

I got a meal plan increase and I will be starting desserts this week :'( I'm freaking out about that. I had a breakdown right before dinner, which kind of felt good. Sometimes it's just good to cry.

I also discovered I have not yet gained any weight. That pleases ED A LOT. So I'm struggling with those thoughts :/

I get to go home Christmas Eve on pass :) So I'm happy about that. But Christmas day I'll be here at the house. But we have fun stuff we're gonna do :) So it's all good.

It does feel weird though to be in treatment at Christmas time…. but like I tell everyone, I will have plenty more Christmas's in my life. This isn't the last one!

Well, there's not much more to say other than I'm really having a hard time. But I'm off to bed now!

The past couple days

Have been rough :/ Lot's of crying and emotional breakdowns. It's just at every meal, I get so terrified and scared I shake while I try to eat. Thankfully my table helps and get's me engaged in conversation as much as possible, which is SUPER hard for me, but I'm getting some what better.

Last night at dinner we talked about Titanic :) So OBVIOUSLY that helped ;) lol

Well, I can't update too much now, we have breakfast :/ I hope it all goes well. Ugh. I feel like I've gained so much in just 3 days.

Anyway, sorry this update sucked. I'll write more later <3

It's night time...

And I'm chillin on the couch watching Troop Beverly Hills.

Today was a tough day... I cried a lot. It was pretty stressful. But it felt good to get out my emotions.

Thankfully, my friend is sending me bible verses each day to help me through :) it's so nice. I love her! I love all of you who support and help me <3 I truly love you all! I will keep fighting and doing my best!

It's

20 minutes until breakfast.

I just got weighed and all that fun jazz and I gotta tell ya… I wanna bolt out the door. I am shaky and feel sick. I feel pain all over. I'm having anxiety attacks and just these terrible breakdowns.

I want my mommy.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up every 30 minutes. It was ridiculous. And one of the EDTS is just looking at me and not even saying hi. It's SO FREAKIN' AWKWARD. I smiled at her and waved because I KNOW HER and she's just like "bleggh" like, dude… who could forget this face?

Anyway. Today I have a busy day. I have attachment group, mindfulness, DBT, therapy, all this fun jazz. I need therapy badly, I can tell ya that. I have a lot I need to get out. And I know my therapist from last time so it's all ok. I like her and I feel comfortable with her.

Tomorrow we have no programming in the morning and we get to go out on an outing :D Coffee shop and paint a plate :) They're having some cleaning done in the house so we all have to be gone for a few hours.

Anyway. I don't have to much to say. Just that I'm upset and I'm scared.

Back at the old

Anna Westin House.

I am sitting on my bed that I slept in the last time I was here.

Anyway. Staff welcomed me back and everything is ok. I did have my breakdown at dinner, ugh. And I am trying to calm down now. Dinner was the first real meal I've had in weeks and thank God they started me on half portions.

But dude, I wanna run out the door and go home. I regret this. I feel like I'm just gonna gain and gain and gain… UGH. IDK. This is just frustrating.

Anyway. Not too much has happened.

Bye.

Well look who's back!

Life is pretty confusing at the moment….. So, first I'm told I am not allowed to go in to programs for a while since my team feels like I'm in a rough place, which I am, and so they decided I should just hang out in outpatient. So, this was frustrating to hear for KELLY and awesome to hear for ED.

Anyway. I'm chillin' Friday afternoon when my therapist calls and tells me there's an immediate opening at the house and wants me to go….

So I thought about it…..

And I told her I'd do it, despite how I felt kinda thrown around and being told something different every week (gash everything has been so CONFUSING). So I called the admit person for the house and told her my therapist called yadeyada and that I was confused. I had to leave it in a message of coarse because she was out of the office that day -_____- ugh. So all weekend my nerves have been going nuts and I'm so scared to hear from her. I know it'll prob be tomorrow and I hope it is since I can't stand this anymore! I just want something to happen! I feel like I just wait and wait….

Well, I'm just glad they are allowing me to go back. It prob will be short stay since I don't think they really want me there. That's the vibe I was getting :/ Like, I left for 6 months, and now I'm going back…. they'll prob gimme like 30 days and then kick me out. Ugh. I'm sure I'll go in with a set discharge date, which will help, but also stress me out. I do HORRIBLE on time limits. But I need to kick some butt and do this!

I just wish I could go back for at least 2 months so I can really go deep. I know last time I had 5 months to do that, and I didn't use it to my full advantage… but I wasn't even fully sure I wanted to recover.

I KNOW I WANT TO RECOVER. I DO I DO I DO. I don't want my mom crying when she looks at me. I don't want friends looking at me weird (I see when you guys look….). I feel like everyone's watching me and just…. I don't know…. it's awkward.

Anyway. If anyone DOES read this, please pray for me. I need it badly. Danke!

Today Started Off

kind of in a bad place.

I was getting dressed and was putting on a button up blouse. When I went to ask my mom how I looked she just stared at me…. for like a minute straight. And I asked her what was wrong and she just turned away. I asked again and this time she was crying and just said "You look startlingly thin."

First, a smile wanted to appear, but then I felt this pain of overwhelming guilt and shame. I didn't even know what to do or say and so I just walked away….

Now I'm dealing with ED throwing a party in my head and Kelly sitting here just feeling like CRAP.

UGH.