Struggling....

So today was my last day of IDP and I felt really good about it. I start IOP on Monday. I think I'm in a pretty good place to do the transition. I did IDP since being out of the Anna Westin House. Unfortunately, tonight I am REALLY struggling. ED is so loud and I have been looking in the mirror like every 5 minutes and panicking. I was supposed to go out tonight to a friend's party and I made the DUMB decision to look online at the nutritional value of the food and I panicked. Then today I went shopping for capris alone. I walked in to the dressing room and I said to myself, in my head, "Whatever happens in the dressing room does not matter. Numbers do NOT define me.... I am beautiful and I am worth recovery." I put the dang pants. I AM NOT THAT SIZE ANYMORE. I AM UP A SIZE. I literally had to hold in a scream and all the tears that wanted to come spilling from my eyes. But I took a deep breath, left the room, got another size, put them on, they fit, got out, went to pay and darted for the door and went home. I wanted so bad to just scream and yell at everyone because I was a size up. I feel so crappy and ever since I have been trying to restrain from purging and running out to buy a scale and not buy diet pills... I am literally going nuts. I can't seem to get over this. I am so upset. I know I shouldn't care.... I know that the number on the pants doesn't define me.... but for some reason I NEED to be a size smaller. I HATE weight restoration. And now I'm afraid I'm just gaining more because I haven't been purging or restricting and I have been following my meal plan! I want nothing more than to just be able to eat and not use symptoms! Which I was doing bit now I'm afraid. I feel like I need to purge again and restrict and all that. I NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I WEIGH. It is driving me NUTS. My dietician won't tell me. I beg her but she always asks "Will it be helpful?" and obviously I tell the truth... no, it won't be helpful. I just am having a hard time using my skills. I feel like I have nothing to pull out and use. ED is just taking over. I feel defenseless. This is ridiculous!

Mwuah!

Hello to my lovely supporters! Just popping in to say that it's a new week and I am setting new goals and working hard to keep recovery going! This weekend was a tough one and I has some slip ups, but it doesn't take away all the progress I have made. I am working hard and will continue to. Just want to let you guys know I love you all and am so blessed to have such a great support group. You all rock! Mwuah!

Trying to stay positive!

Hey there!

So yesterday was EXTREMELY HARD. The outing was at Pinstripes. It was fun and all, but it was so hard to eat the food. Especially dessert. I was so full from the pizza and salad that I just could NOT eat another bite. ED got loud and omg I wanted to purge SO BAD. When we came back from the outing of coarse I cried :/ I told my group how I felt and it was relieving to get it out but I just felt so exhausted from the day and all the emotions that came up. I don't think people fully get how hard it is for me to go in public and eat. I tried to explain that to my mom last night but she just didn't understand. Oh well. Whatever.

I'm trying to stay positive for today. I know it's going to be a challenging day due to how I feel right now but I'm working on trying to get those feelings out to the group and working on them with them. I've been kind of holding back a bit and keeping all the hard stuff inside because I feel like sometimes I can get really negative :/ But yesterday I was asked to just express my feelings fully and be where I needed to be. It felt good but it also felt crappy.

I just wish all of this could go away. I fight so hard and I do all that I can but sometimes I just feel like nothing is worth it. ED just is so.. so... persistent and I HATE IT! I want a break. I want ED to just go on vaca and leave me alone.

It now has been twenty something days purge free... which is anxiety provoking but also makes me kind of proud. It's been hard to go that long. Especially last night after dinner I wanted to purge but then my group wanted to walk out to our cars together (I bet they knew I was going to... ugh.) and so I just decided to not make any pit stops on the way home and just go home... straight there. And I did and by the time I got home it was too late to purge so I just distracted myself with other activities.

I pray today goes better and the meals aren't too hard. I know I got this but sometimes I feel so helpless :(

Hallo!

                                                  Hey everybody! 

So today is an outing day with programming. I have no idea where we're going for lunch and what out activity afterwards is... but we'll find out! I'm nervous... ugh. I hate not knowing. Well, ED hates it. The unknown with food is always anxiety provoking. I hope we go somewhere good. I mean, hopefully it's not an 'easy' place. We want to challenge ourselves. 

This week has been challenging. It's been 21 days with no purging! That's a LONG TIME. I am impressed with myself. That rarely happens. But I'm really trying to be consistent with eating so I don't wack up my system again. I think my body is so confused..... ugh. 

Tomorrow is friends and family night. I think I'm taking a break from asking people to come. I think I just need to not have people come. Well, family at least... friends are welcome! If any of you want to come let me know! I would love it so much! :D

I'm eating snack right now (yay me!) and it's going pretty darn good. Thought ya'll should know. 

Well, I don't have too much to say. Just popping in to update! Love you all! ADIOS!

Interesting week...

This week was interesting.

Wednesday we had a lunch outing and we went to Hell's Kitchen. It was good, not the best, but it was good. The food was SUPER challenging. I got a grilled cheese and it was SO GREASY. It was def. hard to eat.

Afterwards we went to The Art Institutes (my old school) and went to The Emily Program Art show where I have a piece of mine on display. It was cool to see my art there and helping to promote awareness on eating disorders, but it was NOT fun to be back in the school where my ED had been at it's most worst. It was weird to be back in those halls.. it brought back a lot of bad memories. I almost had a tiny panic attack. At one point the group went to use the bathroom and I couldn't even go in there. I was like "No... not gonna happen." So many bad memories in that bathroom.

Thankfully we didn't stay too long. It was nice to go home though later on. I had a lot of feelings going on that day.

Thursday was EVEN WORSE. I won't say what happened but it was pretty mortifying. I am forever embarrassed and hurt by the situation that happened. But I am trying to move on and forget about it.

Today I have Saturday support group and my friend is coming with (: She's an awesome support. It's the first time she's coming but it means so much to me.

Meal plan has been going ok. So far most days are 96% and I am doing my best to get it all in and to stay in. So far so good! It's been hard but I am doing some hard work.

Thank you all for your continuous support <3 I love you all! xoxox