Job and School!

I GOT A JOB!

God is good <3 I knew he'd provide one for me in good time (= And look! 

I will be working at a cupcake bakery :D The place is so cute and alive with wonderful people are so kind and energetic. I'm super stoked to start tomorrow! 

Of coarse ED popped in and tried to ruin this whole experience for me… but what else is new? I'm just trying to ignore him and stay in the happiness of this whole situation! 

The one hard part about it is I get free cupcakes when I work and stuff and so the binging and stuff pops up and kind of makes me nervous :/ It's only one a shift so I shouldn't be freaking out… but ED is trying to blow it out of proportion and make it sound TERRIBLE. He's like "Oh, Kelly… you're gonna lose control! You're gonna gain so much weight!"

Yeah… cuz one cupcake a day is going to make me gain 10 pounds… -__- I'm telling' ya, ED is creative and so annoying. But my wise mind is present and is telling me I'm fine and that it's not possible. So I'm going to be fine (=

I just am happy to finally have something else besides treatment to focus on. For the last two years my whole world revolved around treatment, treatment, treatment, and now I have something else to work for :)

Also, I'm looking hardcore in to going back to school and so that's a good feeling :) I'm looking at schools in New Hampshire, massachusetts, and Vermont. I know that's SUPER far from home, but I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks the idea is wonderful and would prob. help me a lot. It would help to go out to where I love being and to also just kind of start new. Like a new environment, new people… IDK. It's not positive I'll go out there for school, but I would LOVE it if I could. We'll see what God has planned ;) I'm trying really hard to lean on him and trust him with this.

Anyway. That's all! I'll shut up now ;) lol

Home home home...

So my first day back home and I had to see my dietician and therapist. It didn't go over too well with my dietician appt :/ Turns out I lost quite a bit of weight while being away in New Hampshire so she strongly urged me to get back on to my meal plan and do my stuff. Obviously ED was throwing a party in my head when she said I lost weight, but Kelly was like "Oh shoot." She felt pretty disappointed. Honestly, I wanted being in NH to be a time where I could get my crap together and do what I need to do and prove to my team I can do it. But it turns out that ED was a little too strong :/ I did do well still they said. I mean, I was able to be present with people and enjoy my time so that's a HUGE step. Usually I'm a blob floating around… ya know?

Anyway. So after my appt. she told me I needed to eat lunch and suggested the bistro across the street. And guess what? I did it. I first sat in my car for like 10 mins trying to get myself to actually go and when I finally did I was scared out of my miiiinnddd. But I sad down and ate my lunch (as much as I could) and then I went to the park near by and cried a bit :/ I felt so sucky. But I was glad I ate. I needed to.

Then I had my therapy appt. and I cried my freakin' eyes out! I was like so happy about stuff yet so sad… I was all over the place emotionally. lol! But it felt good to just cry. And to talk about it to someone.

But then I come home and find out that tonight were going out to dinner for my sister going to college and an early birthday dinner for me and I was so not prepared for that. I hate eating out twice in one day. SUPER hard for me. But I'm gonna do it and I'm going to succeed. I just need to know that it's normal to do that! IT'S OK. I need to just relax.

Anywwaaay. Here's a hug to all the ppl who read my blog and support me (=

New Hampshire

So it's my last night in NH right now :( I'm really sad but the trip has been super good!!! I had the most amazing time :) I got to see my awesome friends and I even got my first kiss :D So I'm one happy girl :) It was the best night of my lifeeee. I honestly felt like nothing in the whole world could go wrong. It sucks to like someone who is so far away. But I'm putting my trust in God. I know he has his reasoning for what he does.

As for ED... he was pretty present throughout the trip. I did my best to ignore him and just do what I needed to do. I did go a few days with just eating like one meal and nothing else :/ So that was kind of bad. ED was just really taking advantage of being away from home. And obviously I had a ton of nerves going on since I was back in NH. But I just hope that once I get home I can get back on track and do what I gotta do. I can't keep eating and then not eating... it's super hard to go days without eating to go back to eating. It's SO hard.

It's super hard to go home tomorrow :( I love MN... I have so many amazing friends, but I love NH too and I wanna be back so badly. I'm torn between the two. It sucks. But I mean, I feel so happy here. And like, Friday night, with the guy I was with, when I was with him, it was like I was so happy that ED wasn't even there. He was obviously there in the beginning and telling me that I was fat and ugly and all this stupid crap, but once I got in the car with him all I cared about was being with him and when we sat together after the movie, I was so happy that I didn't even have time to think about what if he though I was fat or what not. I felt so perfect with him... I can't explain it... but I just felt like everything was going to be ok. All I can say is that it's great motivation to want to get better. So I can feel this way all the time! But omg, my night with him made my summer complete and I wanted it to never end.

So, my trip was awesome and I had an amazing time with my friends (= I hope I get to come back asap! It's vital and important that I come back.... just sayin'.

Ok! I'm done!