Just now I was down stairs with my dad and we were watching TV together. I went to get up and he asked "Whatchya doing?" and I replied "I'm gonna go read." and then he said "Well, fine. That doesn't bring me joy or anything but do whatever you want."
I was just like...
I'm starting to see that everything I seem to do displeases him. I know he's mad because I don't have a job. I hate how I keep getting these sparks of hope for these jobs and I feel like he's proud and then they fall through and he's just disappointed in me. I can't help that no one seems to want me :/ It's hard on me and I don't think he knows that. Nor my mom. It been hard and it's really fueled my eating disorder in many ways. It's making me feel like all I'm really good at IS having an eating disorder. It seems it's the one thing I can do right. Everything else I seem to suck at.
I hate being home all day but they don't understand that it's hard to leave and do something when you're so dang depressed. I don't the world to see me.
I hate my body and I hate how I look and it's been really hard lately and having these types of comments said to me just makes ED loud and go "See, you suck at everything. The only one you can please is me." and I truly believe that right now. It feels like the only one I can please is ED.
Plus, my faith is slowly going down the drain which is NOT good. I feel like God isn't even there. Everyone keeps saying he'll bring the right job for me but I'm just like "well, it better be soon because my parent's are starting to hate me".
Seriously. I feel like the worlds biggest disappointment.
If only my parent's knew how I felt and knew what I was truly going through. They keep saying they're seeing progress in me (which I know I've made some) but if only they knew that everyday is Hell for me and ED is SO LOUD. SO. FREAKING. LOUD.
I don't even want to read anymore now. I just want to lie down and cry. That may seem dramatic but honestly, I feel drained and emotionally exhausted. I look at all my friends and see them getting married, having jobs, being in school and I just can't help but feel jealous.
I mean, I've been looking in to going back to school but even that doesn't seem to please my parents. They're just like "Oh, okay…" and then they have to be like "I don't know.. that's a hard school to get in to". Like I NEED anymore of that kind of talk. That just turns me off again!
UGH. I'm so frustrated and annoyed.
