A Little Education For Ya'll….

Ok. So numerous times I have been approached by people telling me to watch certain documentaries and such things about people with Eating Disorders. They say "Once you see this, you'll for sure want to get rid of ED…" or "This will scare you out of your eating disorder for sure!"

Yeah… no.

For a good example, let's look at today. Now first off, I love my Mom. I know she means well and cares about me. But when I came home today from programming she asked me if I wanted to watch this documentary about a person who died from their eating disorder. I know this was because she wanted to enlighten me and show me that what I'm doing to myself is literally like killing myself and is super unhealthy (Which, by the way, I understand…). Of coarse I asked "Were there pictures shown?". When she said yes I immediately told her that watching the documentary prob wasn't the best idea then because images like this:

FUEL my eating disorder because sadly, and for some f'ed up reason, that is how I want to look. I know, it's messed up, sick, disgusting…. But it's the plain out honest truth.

Also, when people tell me I'm slowly killing myself is unhelpful to hear to, because truth be told, I have struggled with suicide for a while now and hearing that ONLY makes ED louder and more excited. I know, again…. messed up.

So what I want all of you lovely support people to know is:

• Don't mention how ED is a way of slowly killing myself.
• That I am basically going to look emaciated and like a Holocaust victim (I hate when ppl say that!)
• Don't tell me that I'm destroying my body.
• And so on….

Those things only FUEL ED and make him happier and louder.

This disease is hard to explain and honestly, posting this, I know I'll be judged and people are going to think I'm sick, gross, disgusting, severely messed up…. But honestly, the less people understand and know more about this illness, we're not going to get anywhere.

This is all the sad truth for me and I am working on it; Day by day.

Sooo.. tonight is my last night!

I'm feeling somewhat nervous.

Actually… really nervous. I know I did a lot of hard work here and made a lot of changes, but I still feel like my ED is so strong! But I know it's my time to leave and to face the world….

………

I feel like avoiding everyone which I KNOW is wrong… It's just how I get :/ ED wants it to just be me and him again and I kind of do too…. It's hard to explain… and everyone will probably be mad. I mean… ED is like my BFF. Without him I feel like there's nothing left for me. He's been there with me for 9 years now and if I just threw him to the curb (Which I should) it would hurt too much. He's kind of like my… pacifier. A safety net. I'm so scared to do this. Even with doing IDP at the house for a month doesn't seem like enough. But I know I can't stay here forever, and God knows I don't want that! I mean, I am getting sick of eating ALL. DAY. LONG. I hate it!

I probably sound so anti-recovery :/ I'm sorry. This is just such a hard disease to fight.

Anyway. We'll see how things go outside of here and back at home (yay for Kiwi and seeing Kathryn! And my parents! lol). It will be a process…. a long one. Atleast I know that AWH isn't going anywhere and if years from now I need it, I can always go back. But I can tell you that I won't be back here any time soon and hopefully, the goal is, never again to come back.

Well, it's all in God's hands!

So it's been decided….

I leave next Wednesday.

I'll be doing IDP here though for four weeks, so I'll still be at the AWH. But I'm nervous to go home again. I mean, I know what to expect… I've done this before. It's just scary when symptom use has been bad and ED is so freakin' loud and all I wanna do is binge and purge, restrict and work out. But I'm going to go home and try my best to refrain from that.

I just hope I don't mess up again :/

And boy am I not looking forward to today. I have a lot going on and my mind is going crazy and body image is just down the drain. I found out my weight last week and I broke down. I've gained 11 lbs since being here. Hope this isn't triggering to anyone, but it's just hard when I find out I came in under 107 lbs and OMG did that make my ED happy. He was like "Oh my gosh! You were so freakin' close to your FIRST goal weight!" and now he's yelling at me cuz I am so FAR from it now…. and all I wanna do is get back to it :(

UGH. Well… we'll so how things go. I'm pretty determined to do this right this time and not get my butt back up in this place.