I was born August 21st 1991 to the loving parents of Linda and Michael Reinhardt. in Maryland.
As a child, I remember being happy all the time. There were no cares in the world. I remember the endless nights of playing with my American Girl doll, Samantha, and those long afternoons playing with my millions of Barbies (half of which I stole from a friend). I remember all the excitement I felt each time I watched a Disney movie or my favorite television show was on. It seems it all went by so fast…
I remember starting middle school like it was just yesterday. I remember how scared I was. How sad I was. But then, how excited I was! I felt somewhat grown up. Seventh grade was honestly one of the best and worst years of my life. I had awesome teachers, I met my best friend… but it was also the year when things started to go down hill.
I started focusing on my body more than usual. I started comparing myself to others constantly. I have to admit, I wasn’t the most popular kid, and actually, I was hardly noticed at all and mostly this one boy picked me on a lot in particular. He would tell me I was fat, ugly, a loser, and I believed him. I let the words eat away at me. I spend every night trying on clothes to figure out how to look ‘cool’. I tried doing my make up and my hair. I tried everything I could think of to look beautiful and to be accepted. I read magazine article after articles to find the answer of perfection and beauty. But I could never seem to perfect it. There was always a flaw in me.
Soon, I decided the answer was to go on a diet. So at twelve years old, I began dieting. I let myself eat, but only small portions which then soon turned smaller and smaller. I started faking sick to get out of dinner. I still remember the nights lying in bed with the worst pain in my stomach because I hadn’t eaten all day. I remember crying myself to sleep it was so bad. But the pain didn’t stop me from continuing.
Every morning I woke up at 5:00 and snuck out to our workout room in our house and ran on the treadmill for 2 hours before school. No one ever knew.
Each day I skipped every meal, lied to people, and hid things. I started to become one big liar.
People slowly began to notice but hardly said anything. I just went about and did my thing.
My best friend, Kaitlyn, noticed something was wrong and tried to confront me about it numerous times, but I always came up with some sort of lie. Soon, she just stopped. It was clear to her I didn’t want the help. I was in total denial that anything was wrong.
Later in the school year, I was told I would be moving back to Minnesota (I lived there from kindergarten to 3rd grade). This was extremely hard for me. I had to leave all my friends behind. At first, I felt somewhat excited since I would be going back to my old friends and that sounded exciting.
Boy was I wrong.
I started going to Plymouth Middle School and things just got worse. I was picked on there for being ugly by this one boy (he picked on me previously to living there). So now I had him to pick on me again. Everyday he had some snide comment to say to me.
The friends I had previous to living there didn’t want to be my friend anymore and the hopes of starting those relationships back up again were crushed. It was really hard on me. I felt alone and completely abandoned.
Of coarse I got the stupid comments on my infatuation with Titanic, and constantly was teased. I got notes left on my locker of people drawing the ship sinking and me drowning. It always hurt, but I pretended I was fine and not affected by it when truly, deep down, I was hurt…. Immensely.
I never felt normal growing up and with all this teasing; it just fed in to the thoughts that something was wrong with me.I wasn’t the smartest kid in school and I even once had a teacher tell me something was wrong with my brain and should see a doctor. My mom of coarse got super angry and confronted this teacher, but still, even to this day, the words she said still ring in my head.
Around this time I also started cutting. It started to become obsessive and I would do it multiple times a day. It helped to ease the pain and suffering. I didn’t know how to cope with the pain and this seemed to be the only way. It worked for me. Sometimes I even hoped people would notice the band-aids on my wrist, or the scars, just so the world would see I was in pain…. that I was suffering. But no one ever said a word. So I kept it locked deep inside and never told anyone.
My eating disorder started to get worse. I kept going days without eating until one day I fainted in the halls and was sent to the nurse. When she said I had to eat, I refused. She called my mom and she came to get me and I got a long talk. At this time my mom hadn’t known I was struggling with this for a while. I lied to her about it and soon she ended up just sending me to Melrose where I did outpatient for a few months. It was horrible and I hated it. I was loosing weight more and more rapidly. My mom began to see this was serious and it put a lot of stress on her.
After quitting Melrose (I hated it there), I started high school at Marantha Christian Academy. It was one of the greatest decisions of my life. I was welcomed to a whole new world. I began to come close to the Lord and accepted him in to my heart and felt ready to fully live my life for Christ.
The first year there my eating disorder was pretty quiet. It was like it was hardly there. I was able to enjoy life and my new friends, my new relationship with God… everything seemed perfect.
When tenth grade started, things started to go down hill again. The voices became loud again and I started restricting again. I started exercising for hours at a time again. But each time the hours became longer and longer. Soon I was on the treadmill for over four hours. I was determined to reach my goal. I started recording everything I ate, the nutritional information, my weight…. I bought a scale an began weighing myself every morning, then every morning and afternoon, then just up to about 20 times a day. I became addicted to thinspiratin and pro ana sites. I became a member of over 10 sites and was an active member. Soon I started my own site. As people joined, it just fueled my eating disorder more. I had texting buddies, email buddies, IM buddies, all people to help motivate me to starve myself. Sadly, I did the same for them. It was a terrible time and still can’t find it in me to forgive myself.
By eleventh grade I had learned how to purge. I still remember the first time I did it and the feeling I got. It was like everything in the world had been changed. All my worries were gone… nothing mattered. I became addicted. I purged up to 15 times a day. It was honestly all I felt could get me through.
Senior year I had lost so much people had started commenting on me and telling me I had the ‘perfect’ body. This made my eating disorder happy to hear. It got me excited and soon I started to use laxatives and diet pills to achieve an even more ‘perfect’ body.
I soon started to work in the cafeteria (not by choice) and had to prepare food and serve it to the younger kids. This became dangerous and led to a lot of stealing food, hoarding it, hiding it in my locker, and binging and purging while at school. It was what I did anytime I felt bad, did poorly on a test, or felt like my day was just utter crap.
I used to hide when everyone went off campus for lunch. I would hide in the girls bathroom exercising. I was just completely at a low point. I never went anywhere with friends. I isolated and hid myself from the world. I became so depressed and my only friend was basically my eating disorder.
By college I was in the darkest spots. I started at The Art Institutes. They had a culinary program and always gave out free food that they had made. I remember waiting for class eating cake after cake after cake and then using symptoms. I was so drained I was failing my classes and had to drop them all.
One day, in September, I had come home and had eaten dinner with my family. Afterwards, I went to use symptoms and my mom walked in on me. The shock and horror on her face was enough to scare me even to this day. In a panic she called every doctor possible.
After this, I decided to leave school and seek help. I found The Emily Program and decided to give it a try. By February 16th I entered The Anna Westin House. It was terrifying and absolutely scary. I remember holding on to my dad for dear life crying my eyes out begging him to take me home. But with no luck, he left and I was stuck.
As the weeks went by, it got easier. I got accustomed to the rules, how things ran, the staff, residents… For the five months I spent there I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was so deep in my eating disorder I used symptoms all the time. I didn’t take anything seriously. I wanted my eating disorder. I was too afraid to let go. I was scared of how life would be without it. It was scary to imagine! I wanted to avoid it any way I could.
During the stay, my best friend, Kaitlyn, had decided she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore. One night I got a text from her saying I wasn’t her best friend anymore. This honestly confused the heck out of me. Thinking maybe she was drunk or something, I tried calling her… but she never answered. After a few days she finally answered in a text saying terrible things to me. I was completely heart broken and was devastated to know my best friend no longer wanted me in her life. For days I shut down, isolated in my room, cried, didn’t go to meals… It was almost like a breakup.
It was so hard because Kaitlyn and I were SO CLOSE even though we were miles apart. She was like my sister. I told her everything. We talked everyday, and it was like she was always right there beside me. It took a while to overcome the pain and the heartbreak. But I was happy I was in a place where I had immense support and love to help me through.
Even though it’s been about nine months since we’ve talked, I still feel the pain and still cry every so often. But I am stronger now and know that maybe this was just how it was meant to be.
After I left the house I went to IDP for 3 months. It was hard and I still didn’t know if I wanted recovery. I continued to use symptoms and lie. I never followed my meal plan and constantly isolated.
After a while things started to change and I began to realize what I wanted. I wanted recovery. I was sick of how I was living and wanted it to change. So Dec. 13th I came back to the Anna Westin House with a completely new attitude. I came in with the complete goal of NO SYMPTOMS, to put fourth my BEST effort and to do whatever I could to overcome this.
Being here now is exciting. I am in a whole new place and feel so good about what I am doing and who I am. Although it’ so hard since it’s been the longest time I’ve gone without symptom use, I am able to see it and be somewhat proud.
I know have a great support system in my life. My friend Kathryn has stuck beside me the whole time and has been the biggest support of all my friends. I am so thankful to God that I have her in my life along with my loving parents who never give up on me and continue to help me fight. My entire family is a huge support system and I can’t imagine trying to do this without them. I am confident in myself and know that I will recover. Things are different and I can definetely feel change in the air.
I will continue to fight and I will not stop until I defeat ED. I know I can and with my God beside me, I will overcome this. I will never let go of the hope. I will go on! I will fight and I will one day eat popcorn while watching That 70’s Show laughing and having no care of what I am eating. I will enjoy food and I will have my life back.
