I'm pretty distraught.
So, yesterday was my first day back at work after six months. I went to put my work pants on and GUESS WHAT? THEY DIDN'T FIT. So naturally I started to freak the heck out and I tried to calm down. I decided that I would go out with my friend and buy a new pair. So we did. We went to the store and I got my pants size (the size I tried on a couple weeks ago at the SAME store) and I tried them on and THEY DIDN'T FIT.
WHAT IN THE HECKIN' HECK IS GOING ON?! I was EXACTLY that size a few weeks ago. My dietician told me I wasn't gaining weight and everything was ok. I am so confused and I am so upset. When I see her Monday I am going to demand I get weighed and told the TRUTH. I want to know what is going on in my body. I am sick of this weight thing. I want to be done gaining. I eat my meal plan and I hardly purge.... so you'd think my weight would be stable.
So life has been a bit hectic....
So I'll spare you the details but basically I suck at being a friend and I can't stop hating myself. I've done some stupid stuff the past week that can't be undone and I really regret it. I am so ashamed. I want to apologize to people and say that right now I am in a really hard place and I am really really struggling with body image and self worth and I know that I've kind of distanced myself and what not and I am sorry. I just get in these places where I really get sad and I hide. Which I KNOW is unhelpful and just feeds the eating disorder more but it's hard when every time you look in the mirror you just see this complete failure.
I'm sorry for being so negative.... I don't mean to be. I'm just SO ANGRY. I just feel like people are disappointed in me. I just see in my parent's eyes and with my friends.
I know I'm not in school right now and I'm not working (which I am going to call my boss soon to ask if I can come back to Nadias) and that makes people kind of annoyed... I mean, I'm annoyed! I have to live with myself every day and the constant voice in my head telling me I'm doing everything wrong. Like earlier, I thought about what would have happened if I have never left school to get help and just tried to get through this myself? Would I be graduating soon like everyone else? I mean, I don't regret going to treatment but sometimes I think I really messed my life up. I did eventually get a job which helped things out but it also made things hard.... UGH IDK. I feel so angry!
I'm not looking for sympathy or even replies but I just want people to know that I am not trying to be a jerk and what not... I'm just in a really hard place. So I apologize.
